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17
Iknew my baby was gone the moment I woke up from surgery. I could already feel the emptiness inside before the doctor gave me the heart-breaking news. I held my stomach for the longest time with mixed emotions of relief and sadness. Relief because I wouldn’t have to bring up my baby alone, and devastation I wouldn’t be given a chance to show the world I could do it.
The doctor explained I’d experienced an ectopic pregnancy. The fertilised egg had implanted itself outside my womb, where it couldn’t survive. The pain and nausea were due to internal bleeding from my fallopian tube rupturing. They performed emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube and fix all the internal damage it had caused, losing me twice on the table in the process.
I drifted in and out of consciousness over what must have been days. Familiar faces came and went. Mum, Dad, Nate, and Amanda, but never Luke. Every time I stirred, I wearily scanned my hospital room, searching for him. But when he wasn’t there, I cried myself back to sleep.
It was late in the night when the fog finally lifted and I woke with clear eyes.
A nurse wandered in and smiled warmly. “Welcome back, Natalie,” she whispered. “Your head should be getting much clearer now. We have started to reduce your pain medication.”
“Oh, okay, thank you,” I croaked, trying to find my voice.
“You know, he has barely left the hospital since the day you were brought in,” she said, glancing across the room.
My forehead furrowed and I tried to follow her gaze, but grimaced in pain.
“Here,” she offered, adjusting my bed so I could see.
When I discovered Luke fast asleep in my visitor chair, the monitor beside me verified the moment my heart started to race.
“But this is the first time I’ve seen him in here,” she continued. “Did you want me to wake him for you?” she asked, checking my vitals and filling her chart.
I pulled my eyes from Luke and gazed up at the nurse. “No, let him sleep. He looks exhausted.”
She nodded with a warm smile and left as quietly as she arrived.
My eyes fell back on Luke. My heart yearned for him.
He lay on his side, cradling his forehead in his hand as he slept soundlessly. His unshaven face and dishevelled hair almost distracted me from his freshly bruised and swollen eye socket.
Before I could process his injury, Luke started to stir. He shifted uncomfortably in the chair, and rubbed his eyes.
“Hey, sleepy head,” I spoke softly, but startled him anyway.
“Hey,” he gasped, moving to my bedside. “How long have you been awake? You should’ve woken me.”
I offered him a tired smile. “You look like you needed the sleep.”
Luke ran his hand over my hair as he gazed down at me. “Don’t worry about me, how are you doing? Are you in any pain, do you need me to call the nurse?” he rambled, searching my bedside for the buzzer.
“No, no, I’m okay,” I chuckled, catching his hand.
The pain in his eyes was palpable. “You had me pretty scared for a while there, Blue,” he said, placing his other hand over mine.
I lowered my eyes as they welled. “I’m sorry, Luke.”
He quickly shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said, blinking back tears. “I’m sorry.”
I turned my head away. “Please don’t.” This was all on me.
“No please, I need to say this,” he begged, cupping my face in his hand and bringing me back to him. “You tried to tell me and I wouldn’t listen. God, I’m sorry Natalie. I was just so focused on not—”
“Please Luke, it’s okay.” I placed my hand gently on his face to reassure him.
Tears formed in his eyes before he dropped his head and nodded. He threaded his fingers though mine and held tight, as he focused on regaining control of his emotion.
“I would’ve looked after you, Blue,” he professed miserably, gazing back up at me.
