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“I saw the mess she was in, Rogue, I carried her into that ER thinking that she was gonna die in my arms. You wanna know why I’ve not been there, why I’m not there right now? It’s because I can’t bear to look at her. I can’t handle…”
Rogue's fist comes out of nowhere, catching me completely off guard and smashing into the side of my face. If she had a dick between her legs I’d take relief in retaliation, but somehow I manage to draw on the little restraint I still have left in me.
“You fucking deserved that,” she tells me, shaking out her wrist and trying real hard to make out that she didn't just hurt herself.
“Yeah, I probably did, and that's the least I deserve because all this is my fault. I let her come to the fight. I trusted Storm to take care of her and I refused to throw the fight when Cooper asked me to. I brought her into this damn club. There are so many fucking scenarios that led to her being in that hospital bed, and all of them are my fuckin’ fault, Rogue. So hit me again, or maybe take out that pretty white gun of yours and fire a bullet right between my eyes, because I mother fuckin’ deserve it.” I’m yelling at her now, all the emotions I’ve not been letting surface wringing my guts out and bleeding from my pores.
“When are you boys gonna a realize that you ain’t fucking gods? We’re women, we make decisions for ourselves, and sometimes those decisions have consequences, devastating ones. I won’t tell you what to do, Troj, I shouldn’t have to. But I’ll say this. Your girl needs you.” And with that said, she spins around and marches away from me.
I head inside the clubhouse and sit at the bar, waiting for one of the girls to show their faces and when no one comes, I storm behind the bar and help myself to a bottle of scotch, unscrewing the top and throwing it across the room.
I slide on the floor, where no one will see me, and take another swig from the bottle. Then I reach inside my pocket and take out the necklace her uncle gave me last night.
I roll the beads one at a time between my finger and thumb, remembering the meaning her uncle told me for each one. All the promises I can’t make her anymore.
Love… I never told her I loved her, she told me, and I never said it back, because a word didn’t seem to hold enough power for how she made me feel. I was gonna show her it on our wedding night instead.
Strength… How can I be strong for her when I’ve never felt weaker?
Forgiveness… She won’t forgive me for putting her through that, and how the fuck could I expect her to when I will never forgive myself?
Fertility… Who knows if Shaniya will ever be able to have kids after what happened to her. I’ve seen her with her friend's kids and with Dylan. If she never becomes a mom herself it would be criminal.
And lastly, Hope… How can there be hope when we’re both shattered pieces now?
I clutch at the necklace in my fist and I let myself cry for her.
Because she thought I could protect her from anything, but I don’t know how to fix her from this.
“Home sweet home,” Rogue fakes enthusiasm as she pulls into the reserve. Grimm and Brax park their bikes on either side of Rogue’s truck and they keep their engines running.
Both me and Rogue look out the windshield onto the village. People are going about their business. Kids are playing, men are still repairing, and women chat while they hang clothes out to dry.
“It’s the hardest part,” Rogue's voice lowers. “Trying to blend back into a world that doesn’t know darkness.”
“I don’t know how to be me anymore,” I admit to her. I’m not the same person that left the village four days ago. That girl had a future, she was pure.
I’m broken now.
I have no idea what my future is anymore, but I’m starting to think I’m going to have to accept that Troj won’t be a part of it.
I haven’t heard from him since the night of my attack. The girls have run out of excuses for him, and I’ve run out of hope for us.
“Listen,” Rogue turns to face me, her arm resting over the steering wheel. “You will never be the same person. What happened to you was real fucked up and I’m not gonna pretty it up with promises that you’re gonna be okay. You are never as long as you live, gonna forget what happened to you.
But you will survive it.
Feeling sorry for yourself ain’t gonna be what makes you strong. Shit happened to you, and now you got to find a way to live through it.” Rogue’s words are harsh, but I admire her for them.
“I don’t want to be here anymore.” I look at the place where I grew up, at the same faces I’ve seen every day, the village that never changes. This isn’t what I want. “We had so much planned. I wanted him to show me all the states. I want to know more about the world. I was gonna get a job. Troj spent so much time worrying about keeping my culture alive for me, but change was what I really wanted.”
“Well, make it happen,” Rogue tells me. “Take control of your life, do all those things you want to do. This place, this town, it’s all such a small part of the world.” I take in what she says, and try to imagine being out in the world by myself. The thought almost makes me laugh. I know nothing about life, and I’m scared of my own shadow these days.”
“You want me to come in with you?” Rogue nods her head toward my cabin.
“No, you’ve done enough for me, Rogue. Thanks for being there.” I take her hand in mine and smile at her gratefully. It’s a strange bond we share now. An unlikely friendship, but one I’ll cherish.
“You know where I am if you need me. I’d say to call but… I never answer my phone,” Rogue shrugs.
