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Agitated, I stand and pace along the back wall of my office. “I’m sorry…this is difficult to talk about.”
“Take your time.”
Brandon waits for me to calm as I walk the room. I lean my back against the far wall, arms folded across my chest, trying to create distance both figuratively and physically.
“It’s not a story I share often. Jo, Gauge, Chase, and Punk are the only ones I’ve told the full story too. The rest of my crew has gotten some of it from me and the rest from the people I’ve mentioned. It’s the story of how my parents were killed when I was an infant and the man responsible…”
For the next forty-five minutes, I tell the story of how my parents were gunned down in their home by a brutal drug lord and how he continues to taunt me to this day.
“I didn’t realize I even had an anger problem ‘till Jo entered my life.”
“And why do you think her presence triggered the change in you?”
“Before Josephine, I never had a committed relationship outside of the brothers I made in service and my crew. The last female I was close to was myAbuelita Lucia,who passed from lung cancer right before my eighteenth birthday. I saw relationships ripped apart constantly while in the Navy and figured they weren’t worth the bother. Sexual partners were one-night stands only, which worked for my dangerous life as a mercenary—if they aren’t close to me, they can’t get hurt.
“Then Jo comes running along—literally—and I couldn’t resist her. Told her I wasn’t looking for a relationship because they weren’t for me, but she called me on that bullshit. She said I didn’t want a partner for the same reason she didn’t, because we were scared of losing the other person.”
I pause, looking out the window, recalling the conversation on our first date where she changed my perspective. “I didn’t realize how right she was until that moment. That was the day I claimed her as my old lady. Shortly after, I had to leave on assignment. I fucked up royally with her, and she ended things. That was the first time I truly lost it. I flipped the room my team and I were hunkered down in for the mission.”
Relaxed, I continue, planting my ass in my chair. “I earned her heart back when I came home, but then shit happened with Jacob.”
Brandon nods, understanding Josephine’s story well.
“There have been so many incidents since then where I’d scream at people or break something all because, as Jo said, I’m scared to lose the ones I’m closest to. I fear for her emotional, mental, and physical safety. When it comes to the other family members, I have similar feelings, but with Jo, my reactions are over the top. I’ve lost too many people: my parents,mi abuela, men and women under my command in the Navy, and I’ve survived through the pain.
“But Jo…” I shake my head “…she’s my heart, my soul, my world. If something happens to her, it will destroy me. She and I are linked; there is no me without her. The shit with Esteban has ramped up my fear. He toys with me, and now, he’s toying with her.”
“And you have little to no control regarding Esteban,” Brandon says, understanding.
“Precisely.”
He leans forward. “Atlas, you realize you’re an individual, right? Your life does not center around Jo’s existence. You had a life before Jo; you would have a life after if something unfortunate were to happen to her.”
I smirk at the junior counselor in training. He clearly hasn’t met ‘the one’ for him yet. “Not for me. I don’t want this life without her. Where she goes, I follow.”
Brandon looks at the floor for a long moment before looking back at me. “Fear is your trigger, and through violence is how it’s released. It’s concerning, but I believe through counseling, we can come up with tools to help you combat your urges to act out when something upsets you.”
Thank fuck.
Brandon pulls out his planner and clicks on his pen. “When would you like to schedule your next session?”
“How soon are you available?”
