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Confused when she opened her eyes, morning sunlight filtered through the sheers in her old room.
The one Rowan slept in before she married Bennett.
Everything from the night before slammed into her brain and she released a keening cry of pain. Shoving back the blankets, she realized she was naked and quickly gathered the robe around her that James had wrapped her in the night before.
Throwing open the door to the hall, she ignored James as he called her name. She stopped in the center of the master suite, shaking violently.
The bed was empty and made with fresh sheets. Their clothes from the night before were gone. The world tilted.
“Bennett…?”
“Rowan,” James said softly behind her. “They took him to be prepared for the funeral.”
Falling to her knees, she released wracking sobs with her hands over her face. “No, no, no…”
Then Miss Jeffries was in front of her. “Sweet girl. It’s gonna be okay. Let me help you, Rowan.”
“I-I let him go. I should have held on. I should have fought for him...he would have fought for me. I k-killed him as surely as if I put a bullet in his brain.”
“No, honey. That’s not how it was. That’s what your mind is tellin’ you in your grief but that don’t make it so.”
James brought a chair and helped Miss Jeffries lower to it. She reached out to take Rowan’s hand.
“Bennett was tired and he loved you so much. He told Mary-Margaret and James that it was his choice and he wanted to be with you when he took his final breath on this earth. He said nobody would see him through to the other side like the angel he married.”
Rowan’s throat felt as if she’d swallowed ground glass. “I’m not an angel...I’m ahorribleperson.”
“Everyone knows that’s not true and you’ll realize it once some time goes by and the shock of it all fades a bit. We need to get you in the shower and into some fresh clothes. Let me help you, Rowan.”
Her eyes stared at the carpet and her vision blurred. “Miss Jeffries...m-my Bennett is gone.”
“I know it and I’m so sorry. I never saw anybody love as hard as you loved that man. You loved him from the first to the last and he knew that, Rowan. He knew.”
For several minutes, she stared at the floor and tried to form a single rational thought. Nothing came. One thought repeated over and over.
You killed him.
You killed him.
You killed him.
James touching her elbow startled a scream from her. Blinking, she met Miss Jeffries’ eyes in front of her. Turning her head, she stared at the man Bennett had loved like a son.
“Forgive me, James. I didn’t mean it.”
“No, Rowan. You gave him peace. You gave him something only youcouldhave. He refused to back down once he made the decision. He swore me to secrecy - and Mary-Margaret - so he could soak up every minute of the last days with you without his pending death in your mind.”
“I never would have hurt him, James.”
“I know that, sweetheart.”
“I don’t know what to do now.”
“One thing at a time. First, we get you off the floor.” He lifted her easily to her feet. Wrapping her in a hug, he whispered, “One thing done. You can do this, Rowan. Bennett said you were the strongest person he’d ever met. Show the world the powerful will that kept him with us so much longer than we dared to hope.”
She whimpered in pain.
Leaning back, he murmured, “Second, a shower. Miss Jeffries will stay with you. Third, put on some soft, comfortable clothes. Then we’ll go from there.”
