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“I’m so sorry, Rowan.”
“So am I.” She smiled and it physically hurt. “I would rather our last memory had been our sleigh ride in rural Russia. Hot cocoa, laughter, and cheeks rosy from the cold. Any memory out ofthousandswe shared instead of watching him die beneath me in the same hour he claimed my virginity.”
She could see James struggling for words.
“It really is a shock to lose your innocence and your man at the same time.” Walking around him through the door, she bumped into Gage. He steadied her and she immediately stepped out of his grasp. She didn’t look at his face. “Sorry.”
“Everyone worried when you didn’t come back,” he explained. “Can I do anything, Rowan?” She shook her head. “I love your slippers.”
The statement made her release a semi-hysterical laugh. Needing to escape, she gestured mutely toward her office. Bennett’s ring flew off her thumb. Gage snatched it out of the air, stared at it in his palm for a long moment, and then held it out to Rowan.
Shaking hard enough that her teeth chattered, she took it back. “Th-thank you.” Holding her hands to her chest, she walked down the hall.
In her office, she sat cross-legged on the couch she and Bennett had often lounged on for their big conversations. They loved it more than any other in the house.
Slipping the ring on her thumb again, she stared at it numbly. “I understand, I think. Part of me does. You asked me for something and...I always tried to make what you wanted possible. I wish you hadn’t asked forthis, Bennett. I have no idea how I’m going to live with it.”
Leaning against the heavily padded back, she stared at the ring and thought about the first time she met Bennett.
When Miss Jeffries covered her with a blanket, she blinked at her in confusion. “Did I fall asleep?”
“Rest is the best medicine. It’s afternoon. Can I get you something to eat?” Rowan shook her head. “Hmm. Water then. You need to keep up your strength.”
“Maybe later,” she answered.
“I’m gonna sit in this comfortable chair in the corner and work on my needlepoint. I’ll be quiet so you can think.”
Rowan didn’t know if she answered or not. She stared at the ring she’d placed on Bennett’s finger the day they married. He’d never taken it off outside of lab tests.
“You gave me the biggest damn ring I’d ever seen and went simple for yourself.” She looked at the diamond band she wore without the engagement ring and smiled. “The first time you saw I wasn’t wearing that fucking thing, I thought you’d fall over. You and I were always changing expectations, Bennett.” Blinking against tears that burned, she tried to smile. “I knew Icouldlose you but...I never really thought Iwould.”
She let her mind drift, remembering.
It was dark when she woke from another nap she hadn’t known she was taking. A lamp Bennett bought her when she showed him what it was like to thrift store shop glowed softly across the room.
“I don’t understand,” he’d told her in mock outrage. “Three dollars for alamp? Why does anyone pay full price for anything?”
She’d laughed and replied, “Exactly, Bennett.”
For the first time, Rowan registered the soreness between her legs. It was something she’d never felt before and when she realized the cause, she started crying all over again.
Nina lowered to the couch beside her and held out a box of tissues. She was crying as well. “I’m sorry, Rowan. It was achingly obvious how much you loved each other. We don’t have to talk. We can just sit.”
The minutes drew out in silence.
“It was supposed to be a celebration,” Rowan finally told her. “A celebration of his incredible life...and it ended up being a wake.” She met caramel eyes and whispered, “It’s my fault.”
“No. It isn’t, Rowan. I know that emotionally it’s going to take you a long time to believe that, accept it, but it isn’t your fault. Bennett chose the time and place of his death - spending his last moments with the woman he loved above and beyond anything else in his life.”
“I was theweapon.” The words were almost inaudible.
Nina reached out and took her hand. “You were thecomfortthat kept him from being afraid. You were thetouchthat told him he wasn’t alone. You were theheartbreakthat showed he’d be missed, remembered. You were thestrengththat gave him relief from his sickness.”
Rowan covered her face. “The pain...I don’t know what to do.” Gasping, her body was wracked with sobs. “I-I don’t know how to breathe, how to be now.”
Moving closer, Nina pulled her into a hug and the sobs worsened. “I’m sorry you lost your Bennett. I’m sorry your heart is broken.” Nina cupped Rowan’s head gently as she rubbed her back. “It’s going to be okay. Every day, it will get a little easier. I know it doesn’t seem like it now - the pain is fresh and new - but it will ease.”
They sat like that, Nina holding her while she cried. She didn’t know when she cried herself to sleep but woke when James lifted her carefully from the couch.
