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Leaning back, Gage stared into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Rowan.” He stroked her hair back from her face with a frown. “It isn’t only sadness you feel now. It’s also rage.”
“I-I need to stand up.” He moved back and lifted her to her feet. She wiped furiously at her tears. “He made mekillhim...used my body to stop his.”
“Oh, Rowan…”
“I love the house, the surprises, and that he loved me enough to try to make me happy even after he was gone.” Pacing, she stopped and pointed at Gage. “Even lining up his replacement as if I caneverfeel normal again.”
“He needed your touch more than the next beat of his heart. I understand that, Rowan.”
“Do you? Maybe you understand howhefelt.” She pressed her hands to her stomach. “The body that growshis sonis the same one that Bennettdiedin-inside. How cananyoneunderstand how that makes me feel?” Shaking her head, she whispered, “I feel like a monster. I fight taking what Idesperatelywant from you because I have nightmares about you dying like he did. I can’t make it stop.”
“I can.”
Gage took three steps to her, gathered Rowan in his arms, and dropped his mouth over hers.
Chapter Nineteen
Rowan’s brain short-circuited with the overwhelming input. She tried to wrap her mind around the insanity of the circle she’d traveled.
From Gage to Bennett to Gage again.
His kiss was both foreign and achingly familiar. He stroked her face and moved his lips over hers. She opened for him out of reflex, as if time and pain hadn’t passed between them.
The way he touched her while they kissed was different than nine years before. His hand smoothed gently from her head to her low back again and again.
It was the same way he gentled his horse and earned the trust required to command such a powerful creature. It sank to her bones, deep into her heart, and made her sigh.
Lifting her hand, she rested it over his heart. It beat strong, steady in his chest and she wanted to sob with relief.
Breaking the kiss, he murmured, “Rowan, open your eyes.” Her lashes fluttered open and she stared into calm hazel that held flecks of light green. Cupping the side of her head, he asked, “Are you alright?”
“I...yes.” Strangely, it was the truth. “You k-kiss differently than you used to. Slower, more intense.”
“I learned patience.” His thumb rubbed the skin in front of her ear. “Bennett was thebestman who ever loved you, Rowan…but he isnotthe only one.” Eyes wide, she didn’t reply. “You thought I said it to get what I wanted from you.”
He shook his head. “I admired the girl you were. I fell in love with the woman you became. Everything about you - your mind, heart, and body. I messed up, didn’t show the love I felt, and hurt you badly...I know. It’s impossible to explain the regrets I have, Rowan.”
She’d never believed it. The first time Gage told her he loved her was when Rowan caught him and Nina together. She’d been sure he said it to manage her, to calm her down, to diffuse the situation.
“I didn’t...think you meant it then,” she admitted.
“My timin’ was shit. I knew it the second the words left my mouth. You thought I was playin’ games with you.” Pressing a kiss to her temple, he rested his forehead against hers. “In all this time, since the first time I felt my heart clench at the sight of you, it’s never faded. Not once.”
Kissing her lips lightly, he set her slightly away from him. “You’re not in a place to love anyone but Bennett and that’s okay, Rowan. I can wait. I’vebeenwaitin’ and I gotta tell you, it’srealcharacter buildin’.”
Tilting her head, she didn’t understand what he was telling her.
“A few months after you left Daingerfield, I threw myself into one hook up after another. I was desperate to duplicate what you made me feel. Every woman I touched who wasn’t you made me hate myself a little more.”
Inhaling deeply, he let her go and walked to the porch railing. Leaning against it, he rested his hands on the wood at his sides. “Bennett called the house before your twenty-fifth birthday. Introduced himself and asked how I could be stupid enough to let you go. I was pissed at first - felt like he was rubbin’ it in that he had you and I didn’t.”
Rowan lowered carefully into the chair.
“He said he wouldn’t always be around but he was real vague.” Gage shrugged. “I figured he meant the age difference between you but knew better once I saw you together. You can’t lie for shit. Your love was written all over your face...so was your fear. When you told me about his heart, everything he said to me made sense.”
“Wh-what did he say?”
“That you’d only loved two men in your life and there might come a day when you’d need the first one to step up.” He looked out at the yard for a moment. “After your party, he called me again. Asked if I still loved you. I admitted that I did and I’d understand if he didn’t want me around.”
