Page 70 of Paging Dr. Douche


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"Aren't you a goddamn doctor!You good for nothing.... ugghhhh!" Nyla grunts through another big contraction, and I hold on to the side of the bed as she calms down.

Her contractions are getting stronger, but she was adamant about not having an epidural.

"Nyla, you have to breathe, babe. You can do this." I say and grab a piece of ice to rub against her lips.

"Oh, this sucks. You're never going to touch me again. I swear to god, Nic. That's It for you. This ride is closed." She moans and rocks side to side as she breathes in and out.

I lean down and whisper out of earshot of the nurse, "Are you sure?" I lick up the shell of her ear.

She sucks in a breath and a slight moan leaves her mouth before she starts to groan again.

One of the many pluses about Nyla's pregnancy is she was horny all the time. In the middle of the day, night, on the drive home. In the shower. It felt like I was constantly coming, and I enjoyed every second of it.

"Okay, maybe just a ride limit. … God, I hate you." She grabs hold of me and whimpers as another contraction hits her hard. I do my best to help support her when all of a sudden she starts climbing up the bed.

"No, nope. Nope. Baby, baby." She says over and over, and I try to hold her still.

"What is it?"

"This baby is coming now." She says, and I look over to her print out, but she squeezes my hand before I can read it.

Another contraction.

"Nyla, let me see. I'll just check real fast." I try to move from my spot at the side of the bed, but faster than I thought possible she launches up and with almost super human strength yanks me back.

"Don't you dare look under that sheet. If I don't know what my bits look like under there. You don't get to see either." She snarls.

She's got such a death grip on me, I'm not stupid enough to even try. "Okay, can I go get the doctor then?" I ask softly, hoping she'll let me go and not choke me to death where I stand.

"No need. I'm right here." Dr. Lambert, Nyla's obstetrician, comes in, and I heave out a sigh of relief.

She gets her gloves on and her protective equipment before she gets on her stool and rolls over.

She takes one glance and gestures over to the nurses in the room.

"Okay, Nyla, time to deliver this baby, when I say push you bear down into your bottom. You know the deal." The doctor says, and suddenly a fresh sheen of sweat breaks out across my skin.

"Oh fuck, I change my mind. I don't wanna... I don't wanna..." Nyla grabs at my arms, her nails cutting through the skin. "I don't....ooouuugh"

"Push." Doctor Lambert says and Nyla sucks in a deep breath, strains and I hear myself counting to ten calmly. Internally, it feels like a five alarm fire is going off.

When the ten count is over, Nyla falls back and sucks in more oxygen.

Another contraction hits, and we do the process all over. Eight more times until the doctor says, "Keep going, a little more."

Nyla screams through the end of the push.

"Good Job Nyla! Take a breather. The head is out. One more push and you'll have your baby." Dr. Lambert says as she grabs the suction bulb and starts cleaning out our babies airways.

"Mmkay." I kiss Nyla's head, it's obvious how tired she is. How hard it is, but my woman doesn't give up.

She lets the one contraction go by but the next one she bears down and in the middle of my ten count both shoulders are out, and the doctor has our baby in her hands.

I hold my breath for a second as all the worries and fears mixed with happiness and excitement rush through my mind. It all evaporates when I hear that high, piercing cry.

"Congratulations, you've got a baby boy." The doctor lifts the baby and places him still sticky right on Nyla's chest while she gets the clamps ready for me to cut the umbilical cord.

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