Page 73 of Paging Dr. Douche


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It’s been two days since I confronted Percy, and so far I’ve gotten nothing from him besides a stonewall. He’d even stopped responding to my emails completely. Right now I’m pretty much back in the same exact spot that I was in a few days ago. I need to figure something out before I lose my job.

“Hey Ella, how ya doing?” Larry leans over the wall of my cubicle with a pen in his mouth. I smile at him and have to stop myself from reaching up and playfully caressing his face. He and I had dated for a while when I first got into the writing pool, but it didn’t work out. There was no fire, just a bit of smoke.

“I’m good Larry, what about you? Have we heard back from our friend in the DMV yet?” I may have a lot of connections, but Larry has way more. I’m sure he could take down anyone if he only put his mind to it, instead he is comfortable skating by on the bare minimum. I think the last article he’d pushed through was about Miley Cyrus and how she is dating her bodyguard. It was a big thing for a while, but just like everything else it lacked any real merit.

“Nah, nothing yet. But she’ll get back to us as soon as we get a hit. She told me that the car was registered out of state, so it may take a few days.” He lingers over me like he has something to say.

“Cool, did you need something else?” I have work to do and right now all Larry’s doing is distracting me.

“Uh … yeah ... Well I was wondering, I mean I know we—“

The door to Sam’s office slams open and Megan, a second year reporter comes storming out crying. “You fucking asshole, I worked my ass off for this company.” She screams at him over her shoulder.

Everyone is standing up, all of us have that bit of nosiness to us. I mean, everyone in here chases after stories for a living.

“What’s going on?” I say keeping my voice low. A second later the door to Sam’s office opens again and five more people walk out. All of them are either crying or looking downtrodden.

I watch as each of them walk over to their cubicles and start packing up their belongings.

“Oh no, did he fire them?” I look over to Larry who shakes his head in disbelief.

I walk out of my cubicle and walk a bit closer to Megan, there is one sure way to get details on a story and that’s by talking with the angriest person involved. An angry tongue is a loose tongue.

“Megan, what happened? What’s going on?” Another one of my co-workers asks as I perch myself against the wall of her cubicle.

“That egomaniacal windbag had the nerve to tell me that my stories are washed up. That I’ve been recycling the same things for the past year. How the fuck is it my fault that these trustfund babies don’t do anything different? It’s either a drug or sex scandal, that’s it. If they did something else then that’s what I’d fucking report about.” Megan slams her ergonomic mouse into a small box before she moves on to the next item on her sparsely decorated desk.

Drug scandal.

That’s pretty much all I have right now with Percy. He’s involved in a drug scandal. If I bring this story the way I have it right now to Sam’s attention, what’s to say that I won’t be out in the next round of layoffs? He’s already given me a warning that I need to give him something fresh and inventive. I don’t think another drug scandal is going to do it.

No, I need to figure out a way to get a story I know would knock everyone’s socks off. It’s either the interview or bust. The key to getting what you want is to stay present. Basically annoy the hell out of someone until they do what you want them to do. It’s not the most subtle technique, but in my lifetime that’s what has worked the best.

I’m not giving up on the green eyed enigma that is Percival Snow. I’m going to find a way to get that interview even if it means I have to follow him into the bathroom to do it. If he has no toilet tissue I wonder if he’d talk to me then.

“I’m so sorry Megan, this is fucked up.” I say, trying my best to offer her some condolences, even though in my brain all I can think is thank goodness it’s you and not me.

“It’s more than fucked up, it’s fucking criminal. It has to be. He wants us to lie, Ella. That’s what he’s going after, he wants us to lie in order to get the biggest story. This may not be the most reputable newspaper around, but I thought we were fucking better than just printing fucking libelous articles.” She rolls her eyes and another of my coworkers asks her a question. That’s my cue to slide on out.

My quota for public interaction is at its maximum for today.

I slide over to my cubicle and pull out my phone, I flip back and forth between the photos and the video trying to find out if there’s any other angle I could use. Maybe once I find out who this mystery man is, I could use him against Percy.

Right now I’m going to focus all my energy on breaking Percy down. It’s time for me to get to the best part of my job.

Sleuthing.

Stalker powers activate!

* * *

Investigating a mystery is all about how well you can wait. Lucky for me I’m perfectly happy in my own company. I’ve been out of the office for most of the day already just trying to keep tabs on Percy. He’s come and gone two times today. Both times he’s escorted by a man with curly brown hair who seems to be very animated and excited about whatever it is they are talking about. I watched Percy go to the newsstand and pick up a few papers, from what I could see through the window of the coffee shop. He skims through each of them before he folds them up and hands the papers to the curly haired man. He’s probably checking out the competition. That would make sense.

Even though Percy has gotten in and out of luxury vehicles no one really notices that there's a billionaire in their midst, one of the perks of living a private lifestyle. You can still walk around without being hounded by people like … well, people like me.

“I’m not a hound, I’m just a small town girl trying to get a piece of the big town pie. It’s only one stupid interview.” I whisper to myself.

“Excuse me?” The waitress asks as she pours my third cup of coffee.

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