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I choke on the sob rising in my throat, willing it away.
“Please don’t do this, Viv.” His voice breaks and I let the first few tears fall down my cheeks. He wipes them away. “Please.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to do this.” My words are hard to choke out. The look on his face when I finally open my eyes has me questioning everything.What was I doing?
I can’t see a way through this. I can’t see this working right now when he was so focused on everything else, when I was struggling with finding out where I belonged in a world that was full of too many options and no right choices.
“I know,” Comes his rough reply. It doesn’t give me that magical answer I was hoping for. It doesn’t solve the issue. Maybe we jumped too fast, maybe I’m letting fear move me in this moment, maybe I’m wrong…
I don’t know how long we sit there, him working over in his mind what’s happening and me… in some sort of trance, when he finally stands. I feel the loss of him immediately.
“Viv.” His voice is rough and I look up at him and see a resolve in him I’ve never seen before. “I know this is hurting us right now. I don’t feel like this is the right choice, but I swear to you right now, I will make this better. I promise you.” He leans over and kisses the top of my head, my eyes fall shut at the contact. “I’m not giving up. I’ll make you trust me again.”
I open my mouth to reply, but with what? But nothing comes out. He leaves the balcony and moves back through the apartment and out the front door.
When the door finally closes, it’s then and only then that I let myself fall apart.
Chapter Forty
“That’s it! I’m done dating. That’s the last time I’m told I look like Harrison Ford ‘in his prime’. I’m moving into an RV and traveling the world. Maybe I go become a Monk. Who’s with me?” – Derek
ARCHER
Work only gets crazier the closer we get to finishing this damn house. Which is only good for me, because it means that I’m busier than I’ve ever been and it allows me to not think about the train wreck that is my personal life.
I was so fucking lost outside of work.
I woke at four every day and ran three miles, right past her apartment because that’s what I was used to, and she was never there.
A few months back, I noticed that she had started to sit on the balcony and watch me jog by. I never acknowledged it because I secretly liked it and didn’t want it to stop. Then the last few weeks had been crazy as hell, and I stopped jogging, but the consolation was that I was seeing her when I woke and when I went to bed most days.
Now, I don’t have her.
To be fair, she was probably still sleeping at four thirty in the morning, but I had to try.
After I was done with my run, I went home, showered, got my shit together and went where I was needed. Usually it was just the jobsite, but sometimes I was at home improvement stores getting fixtures, double-checking they were all the ones the homeowners asked for and making sure they were ready for install.
I’d be done around seven, get home, eat something with the guys or sometimes alone and then head to the gym where I’d work out for an hour or so before I headed home and crashed.
The only way I was able to sleep was if I wore myself out so much that I couldn’t not pass out.
I missed her too fucking much.
I didn’t anticipate her ending things before we’d had a real start, but in my heart, I knew I was hurting her.
Viv liked to put up a tough front, she liked to pretend that she was one of the guys and could take every dig. She did that when we were teens too, hardened her exterior so that Enzo and I wouldn’t think we were hurting her feelings. But it was a ruse. She was incredibly sensitive, and I knew this. I knew it to my core, and yet, I kept hurting her.
I hate myself for it. I don’t know what I was going to do to win her back, but this feeling in my gut, the churning that feels like constant heartburn, told me that I won’t be happy unless I fixed things.
I knew that meant I had to figure out how to balance work and life. I had to find a way to make Viv a priority, even if that meant having her come to the site for lunches or what have you. I can’t believe I never thought of that before.
I shake my head at myself as I enter the loft after another long, grueling day. My stomach was growling at me, and I realize I skipped lunch again.
Laughter wraps around me when I step into the living room and I note that all the guys, even Graham, plus the girls are all here. My heart leaps as I glance around, searching for her face.
“Archer!” Derek yells and stands up, grabbing me around the shoulders and hugging me tightly. He hums against my shoulder as I stand there, hands to my sides and frown. “I missed you.”
I shove him off of me, a laugh leaving me at his creepy-ass comment. “Get the fuck out of here.”
