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I wish she would roll toward me and give me a kiss or something, anything. She stays facing the door and I turn to face the window. I was so excited to get home to my girl. This certainly isn’t how I envisioned our reunion going this evening.
I drift to sleep after staring at the window for Lord knows how long. My dreams are plagued with disturbing images of seeing Lindsey chained to a pipe in that dirty basement I found her in all those months ago. Only, in my nightmare, every time I almost reach her, she moves farther and farther away. My legs feel like I’m trudging through waist-deep mud, and the harder I struggle to reach her, the slower my body moves and the farther away she’s carried.
I wake with a start just after three in the morning and realize Lindsey isn’t lying in bed with me. After climbing out of bed, I check the living room and the patio. Nothing. I turn toward the hallway and see her bedroom door cracked with a faint glow coming from the room. Pushing the door open, I find her curled up in her own bed with her bedside lamp on, like she’s trying to chase away the shadows. My first instinct is to carry her back to my room. I don’t want distance between us, but it looks like there’s no choice in the matter. I won’t force her to sleep next to me. Maybe she just needs a little space to work through this in her head for the night. Maybe I woke her because of my tossing and turning from my nightmares. Hopefully my dreams don’t become my reality.
Quietly walking back to my own room, an uncomfortable feeling washes over me. Defeat. I can’t help someone who doesn’t want my help, but dammit, I won’t give up on her, on us. I’d given up on trying to help my sister because she refused my mum and I at every turn. That’s not a mistake I’ll make with Lindsey.
She can sleep in her own room tonight, but we will be talking about this in the morning. I’ll show her I want to support her, that I’ll be there for her. She just has to let me in. She can’t run away when things get hard, because if either of us has learned anything from our experiences, it’s that it gets painfully harder before it gets easier, but it’s not impossible. Never impossible. I refuse to watch her move farther and farther from me without a fight. Tomorrow we’ll figure this out and we’ll get back to where we were just a few hours ago. We may be down, but I’m far from out.
Chapter fourteen
Lindsey
“No,no,pleaseletme go. I don’t know what you want. I don’t even know Jackson, I swear. I’ve never met him. I don’t want him, I promise. What do you want?”
I awake drenched in sweat. By the look of the blankets, I’ve been tossing and turning all night. These fucking nightmares. I thought I had control. I thought I was getting better.
I was wrong.
I came to sleep in my own bed last night, unable to comfortably lay next to Aiden knowing what a mess everything became in just a few short hours. I didn’t want him seeing what the nightmares would do to me, knowing they were going to come with vengeance last night. Lying in Aiden’s bed, every time my eyes closed, I saw her and the basement. As soon as his breathing evened out, I took the coward’s way and snuck out to my room.
I heard everything last night between him and Abigail. I got good at pretending to be asleep in the basement, so Helen would leave me alone. It wasn’t hard to fool him, too. Was it the best course of action? I don’t know, but I couldn’t face him or the others last night. What a foolish idea it was, thinking I had my shit together.Stupid, stupid girl.
Oh, and I heard the blow he delivered to Jackson. The crack practically echoed throughout the entire building. Any other time, I would have run in to see what the hell was going on, but last night I just couldn’t.
I need to get out of this bed and face the music. I shouldn’t have let them take all the blame, but I did, not having the wherewithal or the guts to deal with it last night. It’s not like today is going to be any different, but something has to change. And it’s something Aiden isn’t going to like.
First, coffee.
Aiden is standing at the stove without a shirt on as he makes breakfast. Usually, the sight would’ve given me butterflies. Today? Nothing. I guess I’m back to being numb to all things except this crippling anxiety I thought had left. It did for a while, at least, and those were the best moments of my life. Now back to ground zero. Shit, this morning feels like I’m starting even lower than that.
“Good morning, Sunshine.” Aiden turns to me with a tight smile. He doesn’t know what my reaction to the events of last night is going to be any more than I do at this moment. The wound that seemed to have healed was ripped open, leaving me bleeding all over. At least that’s what this feels like.
“Hey. Is there coffee?” I ask flatly.
His brows draw down at the emotionless tone of my question. Our interaction today is the polar opposite of every other morning we’ve had since we started sleeping together. No sweet morning kisses or smiles behind coffee cups. No teasing touches or longing looks. Maybe not ever again. I certainly don’t know when I’ll be smiling again. Last time it took two months or so before I felt anything other than impending doom. This time around? Who the hell knows?
He pours me a cup and I spot the eggs and bacon he’s making. It looks like he’s putting effort in, but the smell of food turns my stomach today.
I take the offered coffee and head to the couch. My purse is on the coffee table, so I grab my phone out of it and look at the screen. There are four missed calls from my sister and a few texts, all some variation of her saying she’s worried and to call her back as soon as possible. With a sigh, I toss my phone on the coffee table already exhausted by the idea of having to talk to her.
“I spoke with Kasey this morning,” Aiden calls from the kitchen. “I told her you would call her when you got up. I convinced her not to come over, but I don’t know how long that’ll last if you don’t ring her back.”
I grunt in his direction, sipping my coffee. I don’t feel much like talking to anyone this morning, including Kasey.
“Would you like me to call your therapist’s office and schedule a phone appointment?” he offers.
“No. I can do it. Can I just have my coffee first before everyone jumps on the ‘Help Lindsey Through Her Latest Episode’ train?” I reply, irritated with the suggestion. He doesn’t deserve my ire. He deserves so much better than I’ll ever be able to give him.
“Lindsey, I just want to help. I’m here for you. Whatever you need, I’ll take care of it.”
“I need to not have been kidnapped. I need to not have had a complete meltdown in a bar where everyone saw. I need to not be a complete fucking mess. If you don’t have the power to turn back time and fix the disaster that is my life, then there really isn’t anything I need from you,” I snap.
Aiden stumbles back a bit, as though I tried to slap him across the cheek. The pain on his face would break me and have me apologizing for my hurtful and totally unnecessary words if it were any other day, but it’s not. It’s today, and I’m more of a mess than I’ve ever been.
“I know you’re upset, and last night feels like an enormous setback, but we can get through this. You’ve done so much work and come so far. Please don’t think last night means anything more than one bad night. It’s unfortunate, but not insurmountable, sweetheart.”
Oh, he sounds so hopeful and so naïve. Bad night? That was the worst breakdown I’ve had since Kasey tried to drive me to my first therapy appointment. I couldn’t leave my apartment for months after. He’s trying to make me feel better, but he has no idea what last night meant. It was just a reminder of how broken I am. Stupidly, I thought living a life free of fear and doing all the things I used to would be possible, but it’s not. If all these months later I’m still having horrible flashbacks like that in public after seeing a person who reminds me slightly of Helen, then I don’t know if I’ll ever be better, normal. Right now, I’m certainly not there. I can’t expect him to be with me if I don’t have the right answers. Or any answers at all.
