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I never knew that about my mom. I was so busy dealing with my own grief and being a teenage girl, it never occurred to me she was secretly dealing with her own hell. Of course, I knew she was heartbroken. We all were, but I had no idea she didn’t want to keep living. That she prayed to be taken, too.
“How did we not know this?” my sister asks, just as shocked by this revelation as I am.
“You didn’t know because I hid it from you. I didn’twantyou to know. I couldn’t put that on you girls. It wasn’t your cross to bear. I had to keep telling myself that your father needed me here with you girls, not with him in heaven. I kept telling myself I would put one foot in front of the other for him. I put on a brave face in front of you. But at night, when I was alone in the bed I shared with your father, I fell apart over and over again.“ My mom’s eyes shine with unshed tears. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t love you two. It means I had to find a reason to get out of bed every day. I couldn’t find the strength to do it for anyone else. Just your dad. The idea that he would be so disappointed in me gave me the initial push. Seeing you girls grow up to be the women you’ve become has made getting on with life so, so worth it, though.” Tears are streaming down her cheeks now as she recalls the hell she went through in the early days of my dad’s passing.
“When did the ache go away? The one that makes me feel like I can’t do anything but live with this hollowness in my chest that never leaves?” Rubbing my aching chest, I implore her to give me answers. “Like I haven’t lost the part of myself that makes it possible to be me?” I need to know when this hell will be over. When I can feel like moving on from what happened and being strong is truly possible.
“Oh, sweet girl.” She puts her hand to my cheek and wipes away the wetness from under my eye. “That’s not something I can tell you. But I will say this: the hole gets smaller. Every day it will close little by little. Helen can’t take your life from you.” She tilts my face to hers to make sure I’m looking at her and really hearing her. “Just like your dad leaving this life didn’t take mine from me. It changed it, of course, but it didn’t stop it. Nothing ever really does.” Dropping her hand back to mine, a small smile moves across her face. “Do I still worry when you girls aren’t in my house in front of me, where I can see with my own eyes that you’re safe? Of course. Do I still have days when I miss your father so much it feels like the cavern in my chest has reopened like it was in the beginning? I’ve had my moments.” She takes a calming breath in and a long exhale out before she continues. “You, sweetheart, had it proven to you, more than once, that life can change in the blink of an eye. Sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better, too. Like meeting Aiden, maybe? Meeting someone who wants to be there with you in the dark is not something you find every day, honey.” Her hand lightly squeezes mine as her gaze pleads with me to believe her.
I don’t know how my mom made it through. When I think about losing Aiden forever, I can barely catch my breath. But didn’t I decide to walk away because I thought I wasn’t strong enough for him? Normal enough for him? Didn’t I already choose to lose him? We didn’t get that choice with my dad, and here I am throwing away all the good just so I can try to avoid the bad. My choice to leave isn’t making as much sense as it did earlier today.
“I miss Dad. So much. I miss having him here and making everything better with hot chocolate and a hug. I miss when the only problems I had could be solved with sugar and hugs.”
I take a deep breath and squeeze my sister’s hand, knowing she feels the same. The three of us clasping hands with tears streaming down our faces is quite the sight. But my mom is right. No one can take and keep something unless I let them. And goddammit, I’m not going to let Helen keep me from living my life. If my mom could get through the worst thing to happen to her for the memory of my dad, maybe I need to remember I’m his daughter and he wouldn’t want me giving up. He’s not here, but I have my sister and my mom. Now there’s coffee instead of hot chocolate, and wine when that doesn’t work.
“I love you girls and I’m so happy I never laid down and let the hole swallow me. I wouldn’t be here to see you fall in love, get married, and have babies.” Mom nods her head in Kasey’s direction.
My mom has been foaming at the mouth for grandbabies since Donovan and Kasey moved in together. Of course, she would find a way to work it in.
“Whoa, Mom, we’re talking about Lindsey here, not me.” Kasey rolls her eyes, and my mom gives me a little wink, lightening the mood a bit. God bless that woman for knowing when I need a change of subject.
My sister stays with us for dinner, and we spend the night reminiscing about Dad. Even though he’s not here, when his girls are sitting around the table, I swear I almost feel him wrapping me in the hug, telling me everything will be okay. It’s time I start to believe that.
When Kasey leaves, my mom and I make our way upstairs and get ready for bed. Just as I pull the covers over me, my mom walks in and sits on the edge of my bed like she used to do when I was little. Her hand sweeps the hair from my forehead, and she leans over and kisses it.
“It was nice talking about your dad tonight,” she tells me with a warm smile on her face.
“It was. I’m glad I came home. I think this is exactly what I needed.”
She nods in understanding. “Are you going to call Aiden tomorrow?”
“I am. I’m scared to death, though, that he won’t want to hear from me. I really screwed up yesterday, then again today when I left. He might not want to deal with me.” My voice is barely above a whisper, the thought terrifying me.
My mom chuckles a little. “Sweetheart, I may not know Aiden very well, but he doesn’t strike me as the type of man to cut and run in a difficult situation. I have a feeling when you call him it’s going to take a herd of wild horses to keep him from jumping in the car to come get you.”
I smile at the thought. My mom has always been good at reading people. God, I hope she’s right about Aiden.
“I’ll let you get some rest. I love you, sweet girl.” My mom bends over and kisses my forehead one more time before getting up and going to her room.
It’s late and I don’t want to call Aiden now and wake him up. Tomorrow, I tell myself. I can wait until tomorrow.
Chapter seventeen
Aiden
Gettinghomefromthebar after meeting with Jackson and subsequently Liam as well, I had zero inclination to clean up the mess I made during my tantrum earlier tonight. Fucking Liam reminding me I have a debt to pay. Shit, he should have chalked helping us find Lindsey and Kasey up to repaying me after he hooked me up with a security job that was more damn drama than it was worth. He knew I didn’t want to deal with anything having to do with a girl on drugs, but that’s exactly what I got from him when he recommended me for my first job in the States. Of course, I came to realize this is par for the course with Liam. Never gives anyone the full story.
I rub my hands over my face as I collapse on the couch, feeling like the world has just handed me a giant pile of shit and I’m left cleaning it up. I’m exhausted, slightly buzzed, and a lot confused slash angry at Lindsey. How could she have let one bad night ruin everything? This thing that started between us is new, but I thought we were marginally stronger than that. Jesus, I don’t even know how to unpack this mess. I want to believe she’ll see reason after a bit, but what do I know? I know what it’s like to love someone who can’t cope with life, and now I’m stuck here questioning if I can do that again. Then I remember her soft sighs and the way she enjoyed her morning coffee like there was nothing in the world that made her happier. Well, there were a few things I could think of, but I’m not going there right now.
Fuck, I need to clean this mess up. Looking around the room, I see broken glass and spoiled breakfast strewn through the kitchen and living room. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly through my nose, trying to will myself off the couch and clean it up, but I can’t seem to find the energy or motivation. Maybe I need a day to wrap my head around what a spectacular mess everything has turned into. These thoughts are too maudlin, even for me.All right, Clarke, suck it up.
I rise and grab the trash can, carefully picking up the glass and food. The last thing I want to deal with is a glass shard in my hand. The only pain allowed tonight is the one in the center of my chest.
Once finished, I crash on my bed, the sheer exhaustion from the night before and today taking its toll. One problem. My sheets and pillows smell like Lindsey when I fall into bed. The anger comes roaring back and I jerk up, ripping the sheets and pillowcases off the bed as though they’re the most offensive things in the room. The angry, jerky movements aren’t necessary, but waging war on my sheets makes me feel better.
I don’t even bother remaking the bed, instead grabbing a blanket from the closet and collapsing on the mattress. My mind is raging again, but I refuse to spend the night tossing and turning over a broken heart. I’ve never been that guy and I’m not about to start now.
I ponder the idea of helping Liam with his rescue mission. I could make it work, but Jesus, the last time I rescued a “kidnapped” girl, it ended up being a huge fucking waste of time.
