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But wouldn’t that be the very opposite of waking up?
Chapter 13
Samantha burst intoher apartment like a storm and collapsed into her recliner. She eyed the cupboard. She had two choices: drown this thing or face it straight on.
She didn’t want to drink.
She couldn’t face this, whatever this was.
She physically felt herself being pulled in opposite directions, and she felt paralyzed in that chair.
Help me, she prayed without meaning to and then nearly laughed at herself. She’d just asked for God’s help to do the thing she really didn’t want to do.
Her hand shaking, she reached for her phone, looked up the stupid song, and pressed play.
And as the professionals filled her apartment with their miraculous combo of notes and words, she sank deeper into her chair and closed her eyes.What are you trying to tell me, God? I am so, so exhausted. Exhausted from fighting this battle that never ends. I can’t. I can’t. I am awake. Why are you telling me to wake up? I am awake. But I’m so tired.
God did not answer her, and the song ended. She opened her eyes just enough to press play again, not letting herself look at the cupboard. And she listened to the song again.
And this time, when she got to the bridge, she heard extra voices. She would have been startled if the voices weren’t so comforting. She knew they weren’t really there. And yet they were. These voices weren’t coming through her phone’s speakers.
This was a chorus from heaven.
Singing along with this bridge.
Telling her to wake up.
“Okay, okay, okay,” she said aloud, weakly. “I give up. I’ll wake up. Just tell me how.”
And then all of a sudden, like an instant download, she understood.
She was sleepwalking.
She looked like she was awake. She could walk and talk. But she was sleepwalking. She was not wide awake. She was existing somewhere between awake and asleep, somewhere between life and death, somewhere between freedom and prison. “I don’t know how to be free, God,” she whispered. She’d tried so many times before and failed so many times before. How could this be any different? How was anything ever going to change as long as she was this weak?
You are weak, but I am strong.
