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Chapter 8
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Itwas4.30am,and I was wide awake, sitting on the edge of the pool, legs hanging in the water as my heart pumped in my chest after my hour-long swim. The hotel had arranged for the pool to be open through the night, so I could use it if I couldn’t sleep. I guessed Addi figured that it was better if I accidentally drowned in a pool rather than finding a way to drown myself in drink or drugs.
Except tonight, for each stroke I pulled and each length I swam, my head didn’t clear. I just thought about her more.Emmy.Her uptight outfits, the thick layer of protection she shrouded herself in, her lack of make-up, her no-nonsense approach, the way her words seemed to calm us all, even though we’d just met her.
She’d told me she didn’t trust me anymore, and I didn’t blame her, so how could I convince her to come back and write for us? The more I’d thought about it… about her, the more I realized I couldn’t just let her go. I had to find a way to bring her back to us. I should have never left her apartment until I’d changed her mind. I got up and moved to one of the loungers dotted around the pool, wrapping a towel around my waist and pulling on my robe to keep me warm. Picking my phone up from the table, I typed a message to the number that Addi had reluctantly given me earlier when Emmy quit and ran out on us.
Me: You never told me if you forgave me.
I didn’t know what I expected to get from this conversation as I had a feeling she’d said everything she wanted to say earlier, and it was stupidly early in the morning when most sane people were asleep.
E: I forgive you. Go enjoy the rest of the tour. PS why are you awake and texting me at this godforsaken hour?
Me: I don’t sleep very well. Being sober has made it so much worse. What’s your excuse?
E: I’ve not really slept since Mum died. Not sure why. I guess I just don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. And I’m even more sorry if I added to that feeling of not being safe. I would never hurt you.
E: Yeah, but you did. And it keeps happening. I don’t know if I have a label stuck on me that says ‘take without consent.’
Me: You told me you couldn’t trust me. I get why, so I wanted to share something with you that might help. Can I?
E: You don’t need to, Tan. Go be a rock star. I will help Addi find someone to write for you.
Me: But they won’t be you. We all like you. We want you with us. The guys will kill me if you don’t come on tour with us.
She didn’t reply, so I just started typing.
Me: My dad left when Mum got pregnant.
Me: She blamed me for being unhappy. When I was 12, she left for the first time. She left me alone, with no food for a whole week. When she came back, she screamed at me for hours because the house was a mess, ranting about how I’d driven her to leave because I was hard work. After that, she’d leave every 3 or 4 months. Sometimes for a night or 2. Other times for weeks. She told me if I told anyone, I’d be taken into care and never see her again. She was my mum. I loved her. I didn’t want to leave her. So, I kept quiet. I started going to see the twins a lot. Lori and Phil never asked questions, fed me, let me sleep over, but I couldn’t tell them. When I was 15, I forgot that I was covered in bruises and took my top off for some reason. Lori saw. She came to the house that night to talk to Mum only to find me with no lights, heat, or food. I was so scared, alone in the dark that I was sleeping on the couch with a baseball bat next to me. She took me home that night and they got temporary custody of me. Mum never came back. I don’t know if she heard about Lori and Phil, or if she’d just left me for good. They all became my family. They loved me when my own mother made me feel worthless. I didn’t hear from her again until a year ago when she tried to blackmail me. I’ve never told anyone else, outside the band, any of that.
I lay back in the lounger and closed my eyes, feeling the weight of the world falling from my shoulders. I dreaded people finding out that I was so unlovable my own mum abandoned me and left me to fend for myself in a cold, dark house. My phone beeped, piercing the silence of the pool.
E: I’m so sorry she did that to you. What a bitch. I hope you’re doing something to keep her away from you, Tan. You’re not that little boy anymore and you couldn’t have made her stay. That’s all on her.
Me: I didn’t tell you so you’d feel sorry for me. I took something from you tonight and I wanted to give you something equally as important. My secrets.
E: I appreciate it. Thank you for trusting me.
Me: I’ve got to go. Bye, Em.
I opened a new text to Rylee.
Me: Sorry it’s so early, Rylee, but when you get a chance, could you find me a therapist I can work with while we travel? Thank you.
Emmy
Ireadandre-readhis messages until my eyes blurred. He gave me his secrets. He opened up. He told me about his mum, and remembering how he behaved when he learned I would unpick his past on the first morning at breakfast was huge.
“Hey, Shelly. Are you awake in there?” I stared down at an angry tortoise who was fuming that I’d woken him with my petty people problems. “How would you like a little holiday with Auntie Quinn? I need to go on a trip and I don’t think you’d like a tour bus full of rock stars. Then, when I get back, I will find us a house with all the dandelions you can eat.”
I swore he winked at me.
“Right then, that’s sorted. I best pack again, but first I should check with Quinn, hadn’t I?”
