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“From what I’ve heard, you’ve been living that lifestyle to the max for a while. Your overdose…?” she asked warily.
“Was an accident, but I’ve been too close to the edge for a long time. This time, Addi threatened to quit. Frankie and the twins told me they’d go too and then Lori and Phil turned up, so I knew I was in big trouble.” I paused as I remembered the gravity of that conversation. I’d tried to play down what had happened but they forced me to face it. Although it was hard, I knew now it was what needed to happen.
“They’re Frankie and the twin’s parents, right? You lived with them growing up?”
“I did. I moved in with them when I was fifteen.”
“Can I ask why?”
I swallowed, hating thinking back to those six weeks I lived on my own, but also grateful that it was that point in my life when everything changed for the better. “You can, but it doesn’t mean I want to answer. I mean, it’s no secret that my mum abandoned me. Isn’t that enough for your book?”
“I quit. Remember, Tan?” I tried not to smile at the way she shortened my name like she’d known me for years. “I’m not writing your book. This is someone being interested in learning more about you. Not you, the Cosmic God, but the real you. I’m trying to be a friend.”
I lifted the empty pasta bowl from her hand, taking it, along with mine, to the kitchen sink, trying to give myself an out, so I didn’t have to answer. The thought of having a friend that wasn’t in the band or part of the band’s circle confused me.
“Maybe one day, Emmy. Not tonight, though. It’s a long story, and it’s late. You should get to bed. My driver’s outside, so I’m going to get back to the hotel.”
“First, explain what happened tonight, Tanner, because you hurt me and I don’t understand why.”
Running my fingers through my hair, I turned to look at her, wide-eyed, waiting for me to give her an answer that would make what I did better. “I did. I told you, I have all this energy, emotion, tension… call it what you will. Drinking. Drugs. They used to help me take the edge off. Tonight it all boiled over and you were the only thing I could see that might help me regain control and not sink into my demons.”
“That’s a weak excuse, Tan.” Her words surprised me. I was so used to being surrounded by people who just accepted my behavior and said yes to whatever I wanted, but she was different. She expected more. She was exactly what I needed. A moral compass to help me learn to navigate the world.
“You can’t just grab a girl because you feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed. I’m not a piece of meat for you to play with. I was with you all to do a job. I’ve spent years trying to go unnoticed. Forty-eight hours with your band and I’m reminded not once, but twice, why I’ve tried so hard to be invisible. You reminded me why I’m not safe. Why I can’t let my guard down, not even for a second, because people seem to see me as weak and pounce.”
I hated myself even more when I saw the fear and hurt in her face and the way she seemed to shrink into herself. “I never meant to pounce. I don’t know who I am sober. It’s harder to be that cocky rock star when you’re not high or full of whiskey. You just looked like a safe place. Someone to hang on to until those cravings passed. I’m sorry for kissing you like that and making you feel like you weren’t safe. I promise you’re safe around me, Emmy. I would never intentionally hurt you.”
Taking off her glasses, she laid them on the coffee table, rearranging the blanket around herself like a protective shield. “But you did, Tanner,” she replied, her tone flat and emotionless. “You hurt me more than you probably realize. I’m sorry you’re struggling, but maybe try speaking to a therapist, go to an AA meeting, take a trip to the gym… maybe try those things, rather than forcing your lips on an unsuspecting woman, because that shit is going to get you into trouble.”
I hung my head, not sure what else to say to her. She placed her hand over mine, where it sat on my thigh. A bolt of electricity shot through me as her soft palm settled against my skin. This time when she spoke, her tone was softer and her eyes glinted with emotion. “Get some help, Tan. If you’re struggling, get some proper help. From what I’ve heard, being sober suits you, so don’t risk everything and blow it.”
“And what about you?” I asked her, hoping beyond hope that she’d come back and work with us.
“I’m going to move in with my friend Quinn, find some new clients, and carry on with my life. Band life isn’t for me. I’m not meant to be around that level of crazy.”
“What if I promise to get the help? What if I promise to—?” She pressed her index finger against my lips, shaking her head.
“You can’t make promises for me. You need to make them for yourself. Ones you want to keep. I’m not meant to be a part of your story, Tanner. Think of me like a shooting star. There for a second, but if you blinked, you missed me.”
I smiled, her finger still pressed to my lip. I took a moment to take her in. Bright eyes, those freckles, the soft curve of her breasts, her long legs, and those hideous rainbow socks. She was right. Her innocence was the polar opposite of what we had in the band and I didn’t deserve to take that from her, but for some reason, the thought of leaving her behind made my heart ache.
Leaning forward, I placed a soft kiss on her temple, glad when she didn’t shrink away from my touch.
“Is there anything I can say to change your mind, Em? Anything?” I murmured out as a last-ditch attempt to change her mind.
“I appreciate you trying, but if I’m honest, Tanner, I just don’t trust you and I can’t be around people I don’t trust. I can’t make myself a victim again. I won’t do it.”
I wanted to argue with her. Offer her the world to come back with me. Promise that I wouldn’t be a douchebag again and I would keep all other douchebag men from her path as long as she was with us, but I knew it wouldn’t make a difference.
“I’m so sorry, Emmy. I hope you forgive me, but I understand that this life is a lot, and you didn’t have the best introduction to it. I’ll see to it that Addi pays you a severance payment because it’s my fault you had to quit.”
“Tanner, I don’t want your money. Just promise me you’ll look after yourself and make good choices. I’m sure you have the power in there somewhere. Get a therapist. Speak to someone. Open up and shake off those demons for good.”
“We leave tomorrow afternoon. We’re getting the tour bus to France to start the European leg of the tour. I’m going to leave Matt here until we leave, just in case you need him. Any problems, just let him know.”
I stood, taking her hand in mine, kissing her knuckles. As I paused for a moment, our eyes locked. She bit down on her bottom lip, and this time I couldn’t hold in the groan that broke free from my chest. “Em, it was a pleasure to meet you. I’m sorry that things didn’t go according to plan, but I wish you all the luck and happiness for the future.”
And just like that, I walked out of the door, back to my life, feeling like I was leaving a part of myself behind.
