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I came out of the bathroom and sat on a stool at the vanity unit across from his bed. He’d gotten undressed and was sitting up, his tattooed torso looking like a work of art against the dark wood of the headboard and the crisp white of the pillows.
“Tell me,” he demanded.
“These shorts,” I replied, lifting the t-shirt and hoody slightly so he could see what I was referring to. “I was wearing a pair like this that night. Being here with you. In them. Alone. I’m scared.”
Tanner’s mouth fell open, like something had just clicked in his head. “Shit. Of course you are. I get it. You want me to get you something else to wear? I can call Addi.”
“No, I’m wearing your lovely long hoodie and I know you won’t hurt me.” As if to reinforce my words, I moved to perch on the very end of the bed, nervously biting my fingernails as I let my gaze find his.
“But I kissed you when you didn’t want me to.”
“And you won’t do it again, because you know I’ll destroy you with a knee to the balls.”
“That I do, angel. But can I be honest?” Tanner asked, leaning forward, stretching his hands over the covers reaching for me.
I shuffled forward slightly and placed my hand in one of his. “Always.”
“You seem so different. The clothes you show up to gigs in, your hair, make-up.”
“Is all an act. Fi pointed out that if I want to be around the Gods, I should dress like I wanted to fit in, so I did.”
“Fuck, I’m firing her tomorrow.”
I laughed. “You are not.”
“Yeap, I fucking am. You don’t have to change to fit in with us, Em. You’re perfect, just the way you are. I hate that you’d think you need to change.” Tugging my hand firmly, Tanner pulled me closer, kissing the back of my knuckles. I was still a distance from him, but my skin erupted in goosebumps, knowing that I was sitting on a bed, alone with a Cosmic God. I didn’t know if it was fear or excitement causing it.
“I don’t. Honestly. I want to change. I’ve tried to hide myself for such a long time. I’m tired of it. I want to find out who I am. Remember who I was before that shithead took it from me.”
“Hell, yeah.”
I smiled. “Give me a blanket and I’ll sleep in the chair.” As I pointed at the highback chair near the bed, he shook his head.
“Like hell, you will. You’ll sleep in here with me. I didn’t touch you that first night. You can trust me, Em. Plus, you can keep an eye on me so I don’t sneak out to drink.”
“Fine, but keep your hands to yourself, rock star.” I pulled back the sheets and settled in the bed next to him, noticing a contented smile spread across his face.
“Promise, angel. My hands will firmly remain away from you.”
Chapter 15
Tanner
I’dbeenadicksince I came off stage. I couldn’t understand what had happened. I was having the night of my life, then I spiraled. Convincing myself that she wanted to fix me, that she was getting some weird kick out of it, but she’d not done anything to make me feel like that. I was doing what I did best. Finding an excuse to ruin my sobriety. A reason outside my weakness and addiction thatdroveme to do it.
And here I was, at a bar. I’d not let a drop past my lips, but I sank into the familiar feeling of the glass in my hand… the warmth of it… the smell. Gray had been here for about half an hour, begging me to come back to the penthouse, to not drink, not blow my last chance with Addi, but I didn’t care. All I could hear was its call, like a siren, singing out into the night, beckoning me to run headfirst onto the jagged edges of the ice that waited for me at the bottom.
And suddenly, there she was.
Deep down, I knew I’d done what I did to her because she’d promised to stay with me. Her company made it impossible for me to fall, and I wanted to slip spectacularly. To swan dive. To drown. I hoped she’d leave, give up, write me off. And although she did go, she had Rob stay with me and now she was here again, pulling me back from the edge.
I followed her back to my room like a lost sheep. I watched her. Her smile, her concerned eyes, her body moving under that hotel robe she wore. I needed to hang on to her. Tether myself to her, so I didn’t go under. To get her to stay with me and stop me from fucking everything up. Just until I could speak to Levi. The voice in my head—my mum’s voice—was deafening me, reminding me of all the reasons I was worthless and unwanted, and I didn’t know how to silence it without her.
Emmy reminded me how afraid she was to put herself in this position. How vulnerable she felt sharing a bed with me. I heard her. I listened. I offered her my clothes and put distance between us. As long as she promised to stay with me, I would give her everything she needed.
Dressed in one of my t-shirts, and a hoodie that almost reached her knees, she climbed into bed with me and I pulled the covers over us. Turning on her side to face me, she pushed her hands under her cheek, between her face and the pillow. My body pulled to her like a magnet and my heart felt like it only beat properly when I was near her.
“You’ve been a lot today, Tan. Yo-yoing emotions. Lashing out. It’s been hard to watch and even harder to be a part of.”
