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I released her nipple, and she sighed, tugging my hand back to her breast while we talked. “I do, angel. She’s probably paid someone around us to spy for her. It’s how she’s getting these so-called secrets she’s threatening me with.”
“I’m scared, Tan. She could really hurt me. I mean, she has really hurt me. Twice.”
“You have Matt, you have Thomas’ team, you have us. Nothing bad is going to happen, Emmy, I promise.”
She wrapped her hand over mine, holding me in place, pushing my hand to palm her breast. “I know. It’s just this lifestyle, Tan. I don’t know how you do it. Not knowing who you can trust. Not being able to go anywhere or do anything without it being planned and taking security with you. It’s a lot. I think I’m missing my old life. Just me, writing and Shelly.”
I stilled my hand. “Are you regretting your decision to come with us, angel?” My voice cracked with fear as I waited for her to break my heart.
“No, not regretting it, but feeling a little weighed down by what it means.” Her honesty sliced through me like a knife.
“I can’t change my life, Em. Even if I left the band tomorrow, I’d still be me. The press would still want a piece of me. What does that mean for us if you’re getting cold feet about it all?” I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed, gripping onto the sheets as I tried to calm the anxiety suddenly bubbling in my chest.
I felt her hand on my back as she moved to kneel behind me. “Hey. Hey, Tanner, look at me. I didn’t say I didn’t want you. It’s a lot to get used to, but it’s all worth it if we get to be together. It’s going to take some time to adjust. I’m not giving up on you or leaving or changing my mind about us. I love you. That will make everything else worth it. I’m sure of it.”
I stared at the floor, unsure of how to shake the feelings that were now sitting heavy on my chest.What are those feelings? Fear, worthlessness, self-hatred?Her arms encircled my waist as she pressed her head against my back. “Come on, rock star. We have a bus to board and I need caffeine. I love you. Let’s try to ignore all the other stuff and focus on the tour and getting your story written. Right, I’m going to go pack. I will see you on the bus.” She kissed my cheek and, just like that, she was gone and I was left alone with the belief, again, that I wasn’t worth sticking around for.
Emmy
“Hey,Ems.Where’severyoneelse?” I looked up from where I sat at the small dining table on our tour bus to see Gray’s smiling face. I pulled my glasses off, pinching the bridge of my nose where they’d sat too long before I glanced at my watch, gasping at the time.
“Tanner is on a call with Levi or maybe he’s asleep now because he’s been gone ages and Mav’s in his room, either that or we’ve left him behind at the hotel,” I said with a laugh.
“What are you doing?” Gray asked, pointing at the pile of papers in front of me.
“Just trying to scope out some chapters and work out what’s going to go where in your book. What’s going on with you, Gray? It feels like I never see you anymore.” I motioned to the seat opposite, wanting him to sit so we could chat, but he didn’t move.
“We’re stuck on a bus or in a hotel together 24/7. Of course you see me, Em.” He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“You know what I mean. I thought you were avoiding me. Is something up?”
“Na, you know me, Em. I’m a man of few words.”
“Okay, well, man of few words, why don’t you make us both a coffee and then come and talk to me? I have a book to write about you, you know?”
A few minutes later, he placed two mugs on the table, coming around to my side of the table and sitting, as I moved my notes and laptop out of the way.
“What do you want to know, Em? Ask me anything.”
I tilted my head, thinking of what to ask him first. “Why music? What got you started?”
“I’m not sure. I just always wanted to play. I started lessons when I was a kid and the fact I could sing was just lucky, I guess. Mav and I met Tanner at school and started the band, and you know how Frankie joined us.”
“And you enjoy it? It’s what you dreamed about? Hoped for?”
“You’ve seen our life, right? It’s pretty amazing. I can’t complain.” I watched the expression on his face, not believing a word of what he was saying.
“That’s the material stuff, but what about your day-to-day life? I’ve seen how crazy it is. Is that what you wanted?”
He paused, taking a sip of coffee before be turned to answer me. “It’s not. What I want is a life away from music. Someone to come home to at the end of the day. Someone who wants me for me and not because I’m in a band. I want someone to look at me like you look at Tanner.” Gray paused, staring at me in a way that confused me. “I know you might think I’ve been weird because I have a thing for you, Ems, but that’s not it. You’re stunning, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve kept my distance because I’m so fucking jealous of what you and Tan have. I mean, you don’t seem to care that he’s loaded or famous or in a band. You seem to like him for him and I’m desperate for the same. It’s hard to watch.”
Guilt hit me hard. “Sorry, Gray. You should have said something. We could have been more… discreet.”
“You are. That’s not the problem. It’s the lingering glances, how much you care for him, the way he protects you. It made me sad because I don’t have that. I don’t think I’ll ever have that. I don’t think I’m normal, Em.” He wrapped both hands around his coffee mug, staring into the dark liquid as if he hoped I wouldn’t notice what he’d just said.
I didn’t push him. I just waited to see if he said anything else. After a few minutes, he sighed. “About 18 months ago, I think I fell in love. I’ve never told anyone this and it can’t go in the book, please, Em. This isn’t about the band. This is my private life. I need to know it will stay like that.”
“I promise, Gray. Anything you tell me today will stay between us. I won’t even talk to Tanner about it if you don’t want me to.”
