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He nodded with a small smile. “I don’t want them to know what a freak I am.”
Reaching out my hand, I placed it over his. “Talk to me, Gray.”
“I think I was in love.” His face twisted, as if the memories were too hard to remember.
“Okay, and what happened with her? Why would you want to keep it a secret?”
“It wasn’t a her. It was athem.”
“What?” I spluttered. “Like a non-binary person?”
“No, like there were two of them.”
I stared, confused. “I don’t understand, Gray, and I want to. Start from the beginning.”
“We brought a photographer in to take some new shots of us. Addi wanted a relaxed, behind-the-scenes view of life with ‘the Gods’ for the website. Ivy was stunning. About eight years older than me. Firey red, curly hair, emerald green eyes, curved in all the right places. She was only here for about two weeks, but she really got under my skin. She was easy to talk to, asked me questions about me and not just about being in the band, and when she smiled or laughed, I felt like I might fall apart. I longed to be the one that could make her happy, so she laughed like that all the time. She told me she had a boyfriend at home, waiting for her. Someone she’d been with for years and so I presumed that was the end of my fantasy about being with her.”
“A few weeks later, Addi asked me to meet with Ivy to sign off the photos because she was busy, bailing Tanner out of jail for beating someone up… but that’s a whole other story. When I saw her again, I knew I was in trouble. She was even more stunning than I remembered. And then there was him… Ethan. They asked me to stay. I should have left. But I didn’t. In fact, I stayed for a month. The things the three of us did together… even now they make me blush, but, fuck, Em, it felt so right with them both. Over the years, my sexuality has been pretty fluid. I’ve never thought I was gay, straight, or even bi. You know my past, you know the crap that’s been in the press over the years. But with them, everything made so much sense. And they helped me with so much more than just my sexuality. They helped with my OCD. Helped me feel comfortable in my own skin, which I’ve never really felt.”
“But I’m me and I needed to focus on my career. Addi was happy enough to remind me about how my past has affected the reputation of the band, so as my month off came to an end, I did the only sensible thing. I put the band first, and I ran. I left them both in the middle of the night. After they both told me they loved me. I ghosted them. I didn’t explain. Didn’t return their calls. I didn’t even have the guts to send them a break-up text. I walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. From two people I loved because I decided I couldn’t be who I am with a relationship like that. Polyamory isn’t exactly accepted. I worried about what my family and the fans would think. I didn’t want to be a freak and have the press going crazy with stories about meagain.”He paused, staring out the window, and I could feel his sadness seeping from every pore in his body. I knew about his past and his OCD, but he always seemed so happy and carefree, I didn’t think it was a problem anymore, but maybe we had all underestimated how much he was struggling.
“I loved them, Em. I loved them and I left them. I still love them. I miss them so fucking much it physically hurts to think about them. But I feel like a freak for wanting them both so much.”
Taking my thumb, I wiped away the tears leaking from his eyes and I cupped his face. “You’re not a freak, Gray. We love who we love. And who gives a shit what anyone else thinks? Is it better to cut yourself off and be miserable or tell them how you feel?”
“It’s been so long. They won’t want me now.”
“What makes you so sure? You still want them, so what’s to say they’re not feeling the same? Talk to them. Explain. Even if it’s too late, you won’t have any regrets and they won’t have to wonder why you vanished. You owe them that, at least.”
He pulled back slightly, pushing a strand of hair that had fallen from my messy bun away from my face. I closed my eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling of being cared for, but when I opened them again, he’d disappeared. I looked around, confused, gasping when I saw Tanner pinning Gray against the wall, his angry face glaring at him.
“Give me one good reason I shouldn’t punch the shit out of your pretty face, Gray? What right do you have to touchmygirl like that?”
I leaped from the bench, pulling Tanner off him. “What the hell, Tanner?” I yelled. “We were talking. You don’t own me. Jesus. Do you not trust me? Do you not trust your brother? Like either of us would do that to you.”
Tanner loosened his grip on Gray’s shirt, stepping back, pushing his fingers through his hair, his eyes still dancing with anger.
Gray shoved Tanner’s chest, pushing him further away. “Wow, there’s the old Tanner. I’ve not seen him for months. I have to ask, man, have you been drinking?”
“No, I have fucking not. I come down here and find you pressed all over Emmy. Of course I was going to lose it.” Tanner yelled, pointing in my direction.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know I couldn’t hug my friend or move some hair out of her face. You’ve got issues, man. I thought it was because of the booze, but maybe it’s deeper than that. Maybe you should talk to Levi about it. Emmy, thanks for the chat. I have a call to make. I’ll let you know how it goes. Tanner, calm down. You’re out of control.”
Gray left, slamming his shoulder against Tanner’s chest as he passed, heading to his room on the bus.
“Angel—” Tanner bent towards me, reaching out to touch my face, but I was so angry with him, my body recoiled.
“Don’t angel me, you caveman. You have no right. I will do what I want with my own body and if I want to hug another man, I won’t apologize for it. What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelled, my voice even louder in the confines of the bus.
“It wasn’t the hug. You looked like you were in some deep, intimate conversation. The way he touched you. It just pushed me over the edge,” he replied, his voice filled with fear.
“Wewerehaving a deep, intimate conversation.”
“What about?”
I held my hands up, warning him to back off from this conversation. “None of your goddamn business, Tan.”
His face crumbled. “You’re not going to tell me?”
