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My dream was to buy a place. A place that would be all mine. That no one could come and inspect, throw me out of, or increase the rent on to get me to leave. I laughed breathlessly because there was no way in hell it would ever happen. I’d made too many poor decisions in my past that made most of my dreams feel like wispy clouds on a windy day. Visible for a brief moment before they vanished.
I poured myself a large glass of ice-cold water and turned on the TV where I was met with a news story about a rock concert that happened in London. Apparently, the band—whoever they were—had broken records because of their album sales and their sold-out concerts.
Pictures of the band at their gig last night flashed onto the screen. There were two men that looked like twins, although not identical. One with almost albino white hair, the other rich dark brown. High cheekbones, enchanting eyes, and long, lean toned bodies, carrying guitars. Then there was a girl. If I had to describe “Goth”, she would be it. Black hair, smokey makeup, and black clothes, but with a glint in her eyes that made me want to know more about her story. And then I recognizedhimand I realized who the band was.Tanner Hastings.I knew his name because he had been on the front of every newspaper, magazine, and entertainment show for months, or maybe years. Rock star. Womanizer. Loved to party, hard. Tattoo covered, leather wearing, eyeliner loving, Cosmic God lead man. I didn’t have a type, because men weren’t interested in me and I wasn’t interested in them, but if I did, it would be the total opposite of him. Fame made them heartbreakers. Every single one of them.
I moved to turn off the TV when the story showed an ambulance at a London hospital, making me turn up the sound to hear the rest of it.
“….Tanner seemed out of sorts at the concert last night, with fans in the crowd telling us he seemed drunk or intoxicated on something stronger. Reports suggest they brought him here in the early hours of the morning, following what looks like an overdose. Mr. Hastings is well known for his partying ways and this reporter isn’t shocked by this story, having seen personally how hard he can party. The rest of the band and his management team are reportedly not at the hospital with him, annoyed with his recent behavior. Talk from inside Team Cosmic Gods is that a band split is on the cards if Tanner doesn’t seek help and sober up.”
I turned it off, needing to focus on hatching a plan for my homelessness predicament, but I couldn’t shake the thought of Tanner Hastings from my mind.Does he have people to care for him? To help him get the support he obviously needs or is he just swimming through life with people bowing down to his every whim?No wonder he overdosed.
Shrugging off my questions, unsure why I cared about someone I’d never even met, I pulled off my sweaty running gear and stepped into the shower that wouldn’t be mine for much longer.
Chapter 2
Tanner
“OfcourseIdidn’tmean it. It was an accident. I just took too much. Drank too quickly. Partied too hard. I don’t need to be here. You couldn’t have covered it up, Addison, and done your fucking job? You had to let the world find out and think I did it on purpose?” My voice was hoarse and my head throbbed. They’d pumped my stomach and then flooded me with fluids to flush everything from my body. And now I was lying here in a private hospital, hating my life, taking it out on everyone around me.
The door to my room opened, and a nurse walked in. “Mr. Hastings, I just need to take your blood pressure.”
I saw red. “Get the fuck out of here now!” I screamed. “I’m having a conversation and I don’t need this crap.” Her face crumbled before she backed out of the room.
Addi’s eyes widened as she sighed loudly, rubbing her temples with her fingers. “Tanner, I can’t do this anymore. You overdosed. You nearly fucking died. I can’t put up with your shit any longer. I quit. Find yourself a new manager. I used to love managing you all. The Cosmic Gods were like a breath of fresh air in a jaded business, but you… your attitude, mood swings, even your performance recently. It’s not worth it. You’re not worth all this shit, Tan.” She raised her hands to point around the room at the monitor and drip I was on as if to reinforce her point. “I have bands lining up to work with me, but you make me look like an amateur idiot that can’t even get my lead singer on stage sober or keep him from overdosing. I’m sorry, Tanner, but I’m done. I’ll let the others know, I’ll work my notice, even help you find someone new, but you… this… me. It’s over. I can’t watch you kill yourself or ruin the band.”
Addison turned, storming out of the room with an air of finality. She’d been with us since we were signed. She wasn’t just our manager, she was our friend. As much a part of the band as the four of us on stage. The fact she wanted to leave showed me how far things had fallen… how farI’dfallen, but I had no idea how to turn things around or if it was even possible to redeem myself.Fuck, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I reached for my phone and called the only person I knew I could be honest with without the world finding out my secrets. It was the thing I hated most about being famous. Everyone would sell you out for the right price. Except her.
“Hey, son. Having a bad week, I see. I phoned the hospital and the kids to check on you. None of them have to been to visit because they didn’t want to upset you. Talk to me, Tanner. What’s going on, sweet boy?”
And there she was.Lori. The nearest thing to a mum I’d had for years… actually, ever. Mum left me in that house alone at fifteen. No food, no power, no hot water, and no one to take care of me. I didn’t hear a word from her again. Until a year ago. At first, it had been the odd postcard, then letters, demands for money, phone calls, and finally threats of blackmail. I’d ignored her, until recently when she’d turned up on my doorstep, managing to talk her way past my security with a black eye that she promised to tell the world I did to her. I paid her the 5K she wanted, and she left, but her recent threat was worse and it had sent me spiraling.
“The overdose was an accident, Lori. You know I’d never…”
“Tanner, sweetie, I honestly don’t know what’s going on in your head these days. You’ve hardened your shell and you don’t want to let any of us in. Not even me. I’m worried about you.”
I sighed. I needed to get this off my chest because it was eating me alive. “It’s my mum. She’s back. She’s been contacting me for the last year, but she’s ramped it up to a whole new level of crazy. About a month ago, she started blackmailing me for huge amounts. Claiming that she’s going to sell my secrets. Exactly what secrets, I don’t know. Stuff from my childhood. Evidence that I’m messed up and twisted, apparently. I don’t know what she’s actually talking about, but knowing her, she will have made up some elaborate lie that I’m sure the world will believe because the press loves to hate me. I’m not letting her ruin my life, so it seemed more fun to ruin it on my own terms.”
“Tanner,” she sighed loudly. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner? We could have helped you. We can help keep her away from you. You don’t have to suffer her on your own and you definitely don’t have to press self-destruct on your life, sweet boy. You’re better than that.”
“Am I, Lori? I’m so lost, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m not sure how I got here or how to find a way back. Maybe this is who I am now.” I heard the break in my voice as tears threatened and fear gripped hold of my chest. “The booze, the drugs, the way I treat Frankie and the twins. I would never have pulled this shit before, but now it feels like my default setting, and I don’t know how to stop any of it. I can’t be honest with Mav and Gray. They hate me so much. And Frankie can’t even look me in the eye anymore. What I did to her… she’ll never forgive me.”
There’s a pause, neither of us wanting to dwell on what happened with Frankie. “What do you need, Tanner? Tell me what I can do?”
“Well, unless you’ve got a magic wand and one of your famous hugs, I’m not sure what you can do, but thanks for listening. I appreciate it. I’d best let you get back to Phil. Tell him I said hi.”
“Okay, if you need to go, that’s fine, but remember, I’m here, Tanner. You can tell us anything and it won’t change how much we love you. I might not have given birth to you, but you are as much a part of this family as the kids I birthed. I love you like my own and I will fight to protect you, just like I’d fight for Frankie or the twins. Don’t let your ego destroy the good things, Tanner. You’re better than that, whether or not you believe it.”
“Thanks for listening, Lori. I appreciate you being there for me, no matter how much I fuck things up. I’ll call you when I get out of here and back to the hotel.”
I hung up and closed my eyes, letting sleep pull me under, promising myself that tomorrow I’d sort things with Addi, make up with the twins and Frankie and deal with my good for nothing mother before she could leach anything else from my life.
I fell asleep with memories of her spiteful words, the fists of her many boyfriends over the years, and her venom playing through my mind on a loop, until I woke up in the early hours, sweating and desperate for a drink. It was still dark outside, my body twitching from being stuck in this bed, in this room, empty of alcohol and drugs for the first time in… well, actually, I couldn’t remember the last time I was sober.Fuck, I’m probably in need of more help than I’m willing to admit right now.I managed to wait until 6 am before I messaged Addi, asking her to come and see me. And then I typed out a group message to Frankie and the twins as well. No matter how big my ego had gotten—and even I could admit, it was an untameable beast most of the time—I knew I’d fucked up. Not just with Addi, but with my bandmates… my family, and I needed to try to start building bridges before I really was as alone and lost as I felt most of the time.
About 9.30 am, Addison, Rylee, Maverick, Frankie, and Grayson all arrived in my room together. None of them looked happy to be there. Addison’s face was set in stone, emotionless.Fuck.
“You wanted to see us, Tanner. We’re here,” she announced coldly.
