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“Don’t leave, Addi. Please. I’m sorry. I want all of you to know that I’m sorry. I pushed it too far this time. The partying, the drinking and the drugs, my attitude. The overdosewasan accident, but I get that it was the final straw. What if I promise to behave? Dial down the drinking, the drugs, the women. Less bad press. Less being a diva on stage. I can try—”
“We’ve heard this all before, Tanner. You’ve had a terrible experience. You fucked up badly, so you’lltryfor a bit, but before we know it, you’re back to full throttle and we’re the ones trying to protect you and hold you up while you stagger through each day. None of us can take it anymore. None of us wants to put up with it. It’s not fun for any of us. You’re destroying everything you’ve worked so hard for. What we’ve all worked so hard for. Personally, I’d rather walk away and work with another band than watch you self-destruct and fade into obscurity.”
“Don’t hold any punches, will you, Addi? I mean, why not say it like it is?” I fired back at her, annoyed by her straight-talking.
“And there he is. I knew ‘remorseful Tanner’ wouldn’t stick around for long. Platitudes won’t wash. We need reassurance that thingswillchange this time. Otherwise, I’m gone.”
“Fine. What did you have in mind?”
“We all need less ego, less taking over, less fucking up. I need you to be able to talk to Rylee without making her cry. I need you to spend time with the rest of the band without starting a war. I need you to be a part of this band again and not assume that you are the band because you’re Tanner Hastings. We’re all happy to step away if you want to do this on your own. See how far you get.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but she held up her hand, silently telling me she wasn’t done. “We’ve been enabling you for far too long. We’ve become your ‘yes’ people and it’s led you here. You could have died, Tanner. We could have lost you.” For a moment I thought I heard fear vibrating through Addi’s voice, but if it had been there, she forced it down and hardened her tone. “We’ve given you whatever you wanted for years. Drink, drugs, the women. That needs to stop. If your drinking or behavior doesn’t end the band, then the press’s obsession with you will. It has to change. If you want to carry on with the Gods, things have to change. We have to start to create a new narrative for you all. The bad press you’re all getting will ruin you.”
I thought she was about to explain what she meant by anew narrative, but a loud knock at the door interrupted her. Rylee opened it and Matt, our head of security, was there. He mumbled something quietly that made Rylee nod and step to the side. I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot when Lori and Phil walked in. Lori didn’t pause, pushing politely through the group of people surrounding my bed, walking over to me and wrapping me in her arms, smothering me with love.
“You scared the shit out of us, Tanner. Please don’t do that again.”
I nodded into her chest as she held me, reminding me that someone loved me, even though I was a monster. Placing a kiss on my temple, she pulled back to stare at me. “You look like shit, Tanner. Have you been looking after yourself at all?”
I shrugged.
“Right, I’m coming right back, but I’d best hug the rest of my kids before they think I’m picking favorites,” she said with a wink.
“I was just about to tell Tanner about our plan, Lori. Or would you like to explain?”
Oh, fuck, this isn’t a friendly visit. This is an intervention.
Lori pulled Frankie and then the twins in for a hug before she turned, perching on the end of my bed. She wrapped her hand over my foot as she spoke, tethering me to her, so I didn’t fly off the handle with whatever this plan was.
“Tanner, we love you. All of us. Even when you feel like you’re disappointing us, we love you. But we can’t let this carry on, sweetie. You’re hurting yourself. Accident or not, you overdosed. You could have died. It has to change. All of it.” I hated hearing the sadness in her voice and seeing the way she looked at me.With pity.“There is no easy way to do this, but you have to stop before you do some serious damage. Until you do some damage, we can’t fix. Now, you’ve had one of my world-famous hugs. What else did you ask me for, sweetie? Oh yes, a magic wand. I brought the next best thing. I brought Phil.”
Phil appeared next to me, placing his hand on my shoulder with a reassuring squeeze. He laid a folder down on the hospital blanket that covered my lap and Lori opened it, handing me the contents.
“A restraining order against your mum, so she can’t contact you anymore without the threat of being charged. Letters, phone calls, turning up at gigs or trying to get into hotels. Anything happens, you just need to call the number on here. Then they will arrest her. She can’t get near you, sweetie. You should have told us. You don’t have to fight her on your own. I thought we’d made you realize that by now, Tanner.”
I took the deepest breath I’d taken since Mum first got in touch with me again. Finally, feeling her claim on me and the power she seemed to hold over me slipping.
I stared, open-mouthed, at the sheer force of this woman’s love. I’d only phoned her last night. It was a six-hour drive to get here, and she was here with a restraining order and so much love I thought I might cry. But I wouldn’t because my black heart was too numb to feel much anymore.
“No one hurts my family, Tanner. Your mum was hurting you, so I dealt with it, but you are hurting yourself, so it needs to stop. Do you understand me?”
I nodded, staring over at Gray, Mav, and Frankie, noting the anger and hurt in their eyes.
“Lori came up with a great idea,” Addi declared, smiling at my pseudo mum and dad, a secret look passing between them as I waited to hear my punishment. “Your mum can’t blackmail you if you get in front of the story. Tell your side. But we need to move away from the idea that you alone, Tan, are the Cosmic Gods. You’re a band and you need to tell your combined story. An autobiography for all four of you. How you came together, grew into the international superstars you are, and who you are under the leather and the eyeliner. Who the Cosmic Gods are and what makes us all love you like we do. We need a way to cement you all back together as a cohesive band, and I think this is the way to do it. I’m going to find someone to join us on tour and write your story, warts and all.”
I could only stare blankly because I wasn’t sure how I felt about talking about my past. I was happy to talk about life with Lori and Phil, but what came before that…
“I can’t talk about my childhood or my mum. I just can’t. I don’t want anyone to know about what happened to me.” I hated that the world would learn how unlovable I was.
“You have to, sweetie. Otherwise, she’ll keep chasing you, trying to break you. It’s her goal in life and now you have money and success, she has even more reason to do it. This way, you get to tell the world and she has to bugger off and hide in a cave somewhere.” Lori brought her wonderful calm energy to the room and, not for the first time, I wished I’d been hers from birth because I might not have become the monster I was if I had her genes.
“I’m going to get the writer to come and spend the next six months with us. They’re going to take the time to get to know you, interview you, and understand how you all work together. Then they can write a bestseller about you all… but I want you sober for those six months. No matter how much we love you, Tanner, and we do, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, you’re an addict and your addiction is affecting the band, but more than that, it’s risking your life.”
Mav stepped forward, leaning his hands on the edge of my bed. I’d not spoken to him properly in months, or maybe he’d spoken, but I hadn’t listened because I was off my face. I'd forgotten how deep and gravely his voice was. “Look, man, we love you, but right now... in fact, for a while, you’ve been unbearable. I know I speak for the others when I say that if something doesn’t change, we’re done. We don’t care about the sales or the money. If we’re all miserable and you’re snorting so much crap you nearly die, then something has to change. We will all quit if you don’t do this. You can go solo. Be our guest. But you know, you wouldn’t last five minutes. The loneliness would eat you alive, Tan. You hate being on your own. Do this. Let us see the difference a sober you can make in six months. If a pissed, drugged-up you can write like you do, imagine what amazing things a sober you can do.”
“Sober? I didn’t fucking agree to do anything sober. I can’t go on stage sober, I can’t write sober, I can’t even fuck sober,” I barked out, anger raging through my body.Maybe if I had one more blowout, one more drink, one more line, then I could do sober,but I’ve had no warning, no way to satisfy those cravings again.
“And there’s your problem, Tanner,” Phil chimed in. “If you can’t do the things you love sober, then why are you trying to do them at all? A fucked up you isn’t you at your best. We want to see you at your best.”
