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I paced the floor while I waited for her to call him, trying to breathe as the tension in my chest tightened.
Rylee walked back in, handing me her laptop. “He’s there, and he has an hour for you to chat if you need it, Tanner.”
“Thanks, Rylee. I appreciate it.”
She left, and I opened the screen. “Levi, thank fuck.”
“What happened? Let me guess, the lovely Emmy left?”
“Not yet, but yes. I’ve blown it. Fuck, I’ve blown it. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me for the things I’ve done.”
“Tell me what happened and let’s take it from there.”
So I did. I told him everything. My fears that I’d kept hidden for months, my suspicions, the voice in my head and what it had been whispering to me, how unlovable I felt, even though she told me she loved me. But most of all, I confessed how much I wanted to get fucked up and off my face.
“Wow, Tanner, this might be the most honest conversation we’ve had since we started working together. And this is what I’ve been telling you. You can’t build your sobriety around someone else. She’s leaving. According to you, she hates you. How does that make you feel?”
“Broken. Raw. Terrified. Like I don’t have a reason to stay sober.” Each harrowing word punched me in the gut.
“Exactly. If you put your reasons on someone else, then their behavior makes or breaks your sobriety. You have to do this for you, Tanner.Youhave to find your reasons to do this, to stay sober, and to avoid your addictions. All you did with Emmy was replace the drink and drugs with her. Now I’m not saying you don’t love her, but for now, that can’t be a reason to be sober. Remember when we first started talking, and I asked you to give me three reasons to stay sober? You never answered me. Can you give me them now?”
“Erm, the band…”
“No, I need you to focus on things that don’t put your power in someone else’s hands.”
I wracked my brain for whyIwas doing this. “Okay, I like the new sober me. Life feels easier, brighter, and way more fun. I don’t want to feel like I’m killing myself slowly, and I’d love to have kids one day and I don’t want to be that drunk dad who ignores them.”
“Good. Really good, Tanner. Although I’ll let you off with the third reason. It’s still for someone else, but they’re hypothetical people and it’s you planning out a future where you’re happy, so I will let that one slide.”
“But I’ve lost her, Levi. How do I fix that?” Sweat broke out over my brow, as the enormity of what I’d done to Emmy sunk in, along with the realization that I wouldn’t be able to fix things with her any time soon.
“Honestly, you need to let her go, Tanner. You need to heal. Work out who you are without your addictions. You can’t do that in a relationship. I’m not saying you can’t go back to her or you have to be on your own forever, but right now, you have to be your priority.”
“But—” I tried to interrupt.
“No buts, Tanner. Let me ask you this. Were you happy with who you were when you were with Emmy? Or did you spend your time trying to second guess yourself and overreacting to her choices and decisions?”
Dropping my head, I decided to carry on being honest with Levi because it helped to lift the weight of anxiety I’d been carrying on my chest all these months. “I overthought everything. I overreacted all the time. I drove myself mad with my behavior, so I can’t imagine how frustrated she must have been with me.”
“Exactly, and that’s because your feelings are raw and new. You need to understand yourself before you can be with her, Tanner. It’s not over. You need to pause it while you heal.” I remained silent for a while until his words settled.
“I think it’s too late for anything. She hates me for what I did. And I don’t blame her,” I mumbled, scared to even say the words.
“Why don’t you sleep on it, Tanner, and let’s chat tomorrow and I can help you work through this.”
“Thank you for being there when I needed you. I really appreciate it, Levi.”
Emmy
Addicouldn’tgetmea flight back to England for a few days, so I was stuck here, hiding. They played their opening night in LA and for the first time since I’d been with them, I didn’t go and watch. I couldn’t bear it. Tanner’s words changed everything. I didn’t kiss him before he went on stage. I didn’t see the secret smile he saved just for me before he slipped into rock star mode and I didn’t get to feel his erection rub against me when he got off stage. I just stayed in my room.
It was after 2 am and I’d paced the floor for hours. His words, the insults, his behavior, they’d hurt so much. I needed to know why he had to be so mean. I needed answers. I pulled on some joggers and one of Tanner’s hoodies that I couldn’t bear to give him back because no matter how angry I was, I loved that it smelled of him.
Heading to his suite, I knocked.
Nothing.
I knocked again and thought I heard a giggle.
