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“Where’s Ivy?”
“Gone to buy groceries. All the extra calories we’ve been burning off means the fridge is empty.”
He reached out and pulled me by the hips towards him, so I stood between his thighs. Leaning forward, he pressed his forehead against my stomach. It was such an intimate move that I had to suppress a groan. I pushed my fingers into his hair and raked them across his scalp and down his neck until I found his shoulders massaging as he spoke.
“It’s ironic that tomorrow the newspapers will be full of stories about me being in rehab for a sex addiction I don’t have when in reality I’m here, having more sex with you two in a few weeks than I’ve had in my entire life.”
“This will never be in the news, Gray. I promise. What we have. It’s special. It’s ours. I mean that.”
He groaned as I kneaded his shoulders harder.
“Thank you. I can’t explain how much that means.”
“You don’t have to. I can see.”
I looked up and glanced around the guest room I’d not needed to come into since Gray arrived as he’d been in our bed with us. I noticed how ordered and clinical it looked. Even the bed had been stripped of the bedding I knew had been on there.
“Can I ask you a question, Gray? You don’t have to answer if it’s too much.”
He gripped my hips harder. “Anything.”
“Explain this place to me. The room? What you’ve done to it?”
His body tensed, so I rubbed his shoulders with slow, rhythmic circles until he let out a long sigh.
“It will sound stupid, but I’ve never felt good enough. Ever since we got our recording contract, I’ve been waiting for it all to vanish. The money, the luxury, our spot at the top of the charts. So, I told myself not to get used to it. I mean, I’ve never really struggled. Mum and Dad gave us everything we wanted. I’ve never been abandoned or gone without food like Tanner. But my twisted mind convinced me not to let myself enjoy what I had. I struggle with luxury. Soft sheets, sinking into too many pillows, and having lots of stuff around me sends my OCD into overdrive. If I’d got into that bed like it was, the voice in my head would have had a field day telling me I didn’t deserve it and I’d not earned it. So, I just take it away.”
“Gray, that’s—”
“Fucked up. I know. I’ve not even said all this to my therapist. It’s stupid, I’m loaded but do you know I’ve never spent a penny of it, other than buying my car and I only did that so I didn’t have to take a driver with me when I took this month off. I’ve never bought a house or blown it on a lavish holiday. I have what I need and that’s all I allow myself. For me, the feeling that I might lose it all when people realize I’m not enough is all-consuming.”
“But you can stay in our bed, okay?”
“It’syourbed. Not mine, so that’s okay. It makes perfect sense in my fucked up head.”
“It’sourbed, Gray. You belong in there with us.”
He started to circle his thumbs over my hips, matching the speed I massaged his shoulders.
“I’ve never felt comfortable enough to let myself enjoy my life. I’ve always been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Being here with you both… it’s been everything. A moment in time where I’ve let myself have what I want. Where I’ve let myself find pleasure and happiness instead of punishing myself.”
“Do you trust me, Gray?” I asked. He lifted his head from where it was still pressed against my stomach and looked up at me.
“With my life.”
Grayson
Ethan'shandsonmyshoulders soothed me and made spilling my secrets feel easy. I knew how messed up it sounded. I was punishing myself for things that hadn’t even happened. Even if the band stopped tomorrow and I didn’t work another day in my life, I had enough money for at least a couple more lifetimes. But it didn’t matter. I still refused to let myself indulge, enjoy, or find comfort. Instead, I allowed myself the bare minimum. A single pillow on a bed, a sheet, and not the thick duvet and comforter that had been in their guest room when I arrived. No photos, knick-knacks, or luxury because my messed up brain told me I didn’t deserve any of it.
It was why I punished my body with the showers. As if I was hurting myself until the world realized I wasn’t worthy of the Gods and punished me instead.
“Do you trust me?” When he asked me that I wanted to screamnobecause trusting people outside my family had never gone well, but I felt so much for this man… for both of them, I wanted to be honest.
“With my life.”
He smiled. “You don’t deserve to hurt yourself, Gray. You deserve the best”
He pulled me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me. We were about the same height, but he was wider than me and, in his arms, I felt strangely protected.
