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The only light came from the dying embers of the fire, and I wondered if he might feel easier to talk this way—without having to look us in the eyes.
“I don’t know what will happen when I leave,” he admitted.
“What do you want to happen, Gray?” Ethan asked while he wrapped his hand in mine as we waited nervously for his reply. Ethan and I had talked about this, about what we wanted, but we’d left this conversation up to Grayson to start.
“This has been amazing, but my life in the band is so different. I’m always busy, away all the time, and I worry about what will happen when people find out about us… about what this is.”
“Fuck what people think,” Ethan fired back, and I squeezed his hand to remind him to stay calm.
Gray sat up, pulling the comforter across his lap. “It’s not that easy and you know it. I’ve got to think about the band. I’ve got to think about what the press would do if they knew about us. They’d hound you both.”
I moved to pull Gray’s hand into mine so I could hold on to them both.
“We don’t want you to go, Gray. We would have you any way you could give yourself to us. We know it won’t be the same as it’s been, but we want to be with you. I love you. I love you so fucking much. The thought of you not being here with us hurts like hell. Tell me we can make this work.”
I wasn’t used to hearing this side of Ethan. He was so strong and self-assured, but Grayson had done something to both of us. I think I’d been in love with him since that night on the balcony at the hotel, but I didn’t want to tell him now and make him think we were trying to emotionally blackmail him.
Grayson wrapped his hand around the back of Ethan’s neck, pulling his forehead to his, squeezing my hand at the same time.
“I want to be with you both. So much. Being around you is the only thing that makes sense, but I can’t work out how to make this work. I can’t find a way to have you and the band. And I can’t just walk away from my family to be with you. I owe them more than that. But I promiseyouare what I want. This. This is perfect. I wish I could stay forever. I just need to find a way to make this work.”
“But remember, Grayson, you don’t have to work this out on your own. You’re not on your own anymore,” I reminded him as Ethan and I wrapped our arms around him, making the most of every minute we had him here with us.
Grayson
Myheadlaidona sleeping Ethan’s chest, Ivy’s face inches from mine as her cheek pressed against his other pec. We often ended up here, whispering to each other as Ethan slept. We laughed and teased him for having no stamina. But it was so much more than that. He put so much in when we fucked, bossing us about and making sure we were both taken care of, that he often passed out minutes later, sometimes mid-conversation. Tonight was no exception.
Her hand cupped my face as she pulled me to kiss her.
“He meant what he said, Grayson. About loving you. You know that, don’t you? And I want you to know that I feel the same. I love you, Grayson. You make us better people. I need you to know that you’re it for us. This isn’t a fling or an experiment. We want you to be with us, properly, forever.”
I sighed because it was everything I’d ever wanted to hear, but I had no idea what to say back. I loved them too, both of them. Equally, with every part of me. I’d meant what I said about how happy they made me. But the band, the press. There were already enough rumors about me and my sexual preferences. I didn’t want to drag them into the circus that was my life. And just like that. It happened. The thoughts, the compulsions, the mess in my head that had calmed to a silent trickle since my night with Ethan, caught a spark of my self-doubt and ignited into an inferno.
I tried to hide my melt-down from my face as I kissed Ivy lightly, burying my fingers in her hair and running my thumb over her face again and again until her eyes grew heavy. When I was sure they were both sound asleep, I did the only thing that seemed to make any sense.
I ran.
Chapter 10
Grayson - 18 months later
“Fuck,I’mexhausted.Ineed a beer to take the edge off and someone to suck my cock until I feel less tense,” Maverick shouted as we walked away from the stage in Switzerland, the noise of the crowd making conversation impossible.
He slung his arm over my shoulder. “You in, baby brother, or are you still pretending to be a priest or some shit?”
We were in the middle of a 150-date European and American tour, and it had been a rollercoaster for all of us.
Tanner had OD’d before we’d even left London and almost died. The band nearly split and Addi had threatened to quit. We’d only agreed to stay together when Tanner promised to get sober and stay that way for at least six months, while Addi brought in the wonderful Emmy Winters. Ghost Writer and beautiful soul, whose questions were helping us heal as she tried to get to know us so she could write our autobiography. She’d already made Tanner fall in love with her, shown us that Frankie was miserable, and helped us start to repair the damage we’d done to each other and ourselves over the years.
“You can’t drink. We promised Tanner we’d all be sober to support him. Don’t be so fucking selfish, Mav.”
“Shit. I know, I know. It’s just hard sometimes.”
“And how hard do you think it is for Tanner? He’s an addict. He nearly died.”
He nodded, knowing how close we came to losing Tanner. I didn’t think any of us would forget that night. He said it was an accident, but he’d been on the edge for years now. We all knew it was only a matter of time before he fell. And that night in London, he fell spectacularly. We were all just grateful he’d taken the opportunity to change things for the better.
“Fine, but I can get someone to suck my cock, surely? I’m a rock star. Dick sucking is essential for my mental health.”
