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I laughed, shoving him off me. “Cock sucking is fine, brother, but count me out.”
We reached the green room, and he stopped. It was a bit quieter here, so we didn’t need to shout to be heard.
“Gray, are you okay? I can tell that something’s up. It has been for a while.”
I shrugged because what else could I say? I was managing my OCD. The therapy and medication were doing their job. But how could I tell him that my life felt empty, even when I was surrounded by people? That my heart was missing two massive parts and I couldn’t seem to feel anything anymore. That while I loved music and wanted to be in the band, it all felt pretty pointless. That I missed Ivy and Ethan so much it physically hurt to think about them.
I didn’t tell anyone where I’d spent that month. The press had a field day making up stories. Frankie, Addi, and even my parents hounded me for details about where I’d been. I didn’t breathe a word because I wouldn’t know how to explain what I’d had with them. It was more than just the sex. It was a connection with people who just seemed to get me and want me, just for me, exactly the way I was.
Sometimes I wondered if I’d made it all up because it had felt too good to be true.
I groaned as I allowed myself to think about the feel of Ivy’s curls between my fingers or Ethan’s lips against my scruff.
“Earth to Gray?”
“Sorry, Mav. I spaced out there. I think I need to eat. I’m good. My OCD is okay, I’m sleeping, I’m fine.”
“And that, there, is the problem, little brother. You’re a world famous rock star, in the middle of a sell out tour, surrounded by women… or men who would drop to their knees for you, with more money than you could ever spend, and you’refine. Shit, Gray. Something is up, I know it is.Finetells me that you’re anything but. Look, I can’t make you talk to me, but whatever it is, it will never change how much I love you, brother, ever.”
I pulled him in for a hug. “Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment, but I am okay. The tour, it’s a lot. The travel, the gigs. I guess I’m just tired.”
“All the more reason you should get your dick sucked and then you’ll sleep better.”
I laughed. “Go, I’m good. Find someone to suck you off and I will see you later at the hotel. Take your security with you. Otherwise, Addi will have your balls.”
“Ha, she wishes she could touch my balls.”
“God, you’re delusional if you think she’d go anywhere near you. Now, fuck off and have fun.”
A couple of days later and we were on the tour buses traveling from one country to another. We’d moved about so much over the last few weeks that I had no idea where we were or where we were going. Our tour buses were huge. We’d spent years having my dad drive us to gigs in our battered old campervan, sleeping in car parks with our equipment next to us in the tiny space. Now we expected more. This bus had four double bedrooms, a kitchen, and a small lounge/eating area. I’d found Emmy at the table, papers spread everywhere, scribbling in a notebook.
“Hey, witchy woman. What you doing?”
She pulled her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose as if she was trying to refocus her eyes. She was stunning. So different from the girls we were used to being around. When she first joined us, she looked like a librarian, trying to hide from the world, but she was finding herself and transforming in front of us. It’s like watching a butterfly crack out of its chrysalis.
I knew what Tanner thought. I’d seen the way he glared at me when she was around. He thought my behavior was because I had feelings for Emmy. It wasn’t true. I did love her. She was fun to be around, and she had a personality that made you gravitate toward her, but I loved her like a sister. I was just jealous as hell. I saw the way she looked at Tanner, even when she was furious with him, and the way he looked at her—like she was the only person in the room. I had that once. I wanted that more than anything, and I fucked it up. Seeing Tanner and Emmy in love brought back my OCD itch, and I was struggling more than I cared to admit. I was actually glad we were on the bus as there was only one bathroom, so I couldn’t hide in the shower to wash away my feelings.
“Plotting out some chapters for your book. It’s all falling together nicely, although you and Mav, your chapters have some serious holes in them.”
“What do you want to know?” I asked as I sat across from her. “I’m an open book.”
“Are you happy, Gray?”
“What a weird question. You’ve seen our life, right? It’s pretty amazing. I can’t complain.”
“That’s the material stuff, but what about your life? I’ve seen how crazy it is. Is that what you wanted?”
I took a sip of coffee while I thought about how to answer. Emmy has this way of unpicking our darkest secrets without us even realizing, and I needed to talk about Ethan and Ivy out loud before I convinced myself that the month with them had only existed inside my head.
“It’s not. What I want is a life away from music. Someone to come home to at the end of the day. Someone who wants me for me and not because I’m in a band. I want someone to look at me like you look at Tanner. I know you might think I’ve been weird because I have a thing for you, Ems, but that’s not it. I mean, you’re stunning, but I’ve kept my distance because I’m so fucking jealous of what you and Tan have. I mean, you don’t seem to care that he’s loaded or famous or the lead singer of a band. You like him for him and I’m desperate for the same. It’s hard to watch.”
She looked at me, guiltily. “Sorry, Gray. You should have said something. We could have been more… discreet.”
“You are. That’s not the problem. It’s the lingering glances, how much you care for him, the way he looks at you. It made me sad because I don’t have that. I don’t think I’ll ever have that. I don’t think I’m normal.” I sighed because that was the truth. What I wanted wasn’t normal. I didn’t want to come home at the end of a busy tour to a woman. I didn’t want to fall in love with a man who looked at me like Tanner looked at Emmy. I wanted all that and more, but withthem.Every possible scenario for the future involved them. And I couldn’t have that. No one would understand, and Ethan and Ivy would never forgive me for running.
Emmy didn’t say anything. She just waited. I sighed again, allowing my secrets to spill out with it.
“About 18 months ago, I think I fell in love. I’ve never told anyone this and I don’t think it should go in the book, please. This isn’t about the band. This is my private life, Em. I need to know it will stay like that.”
