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The itch under my skin screamed at me, begging me to do something to ease it. Instead of listening to it, I glared at my brother. “Mav, I love you because you are the other half of me, but don’t tell me what I want or need. You’ve no fucking right.”
“Gray, look around you. This room, your body, your mood. You’re punishing yourself. For what? A band you don’t want to be a part of anymore? A life on tour that you hate so much you’re burning your skin off in the shower? Why, Gray? I told you if you ever had to choose, to choose them. Why didn’t you?”
I didn’t have an answer for him because he was right. Every word he said was right, so knowing how well my twin brother could read me, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep until he left.
And then I got out of bed and into the shower, forgetting to set the timer on my phone for my therapy appointed twelve minutes, knowing that I would need much longer to soothe the pain in my heart and hoping it hurt me as much as I deserved to hurt.
We moved between American cities playing sold out gigs and I did as I was told, like a band robot. Smile. Kiss my fake fiancé. Publicity. Guest appearances. With each one, I lost a little bit more of my soul and I punished myself harder. I stopped taking my meds and spent hours in the gym, pushing my body to its limits. I refused to call my therapist back, despite the number of times she’d called and emailed. I spent hours in the shower scrubbing my skin raw, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept for more than a few hours at a time. On stage, I wore my mask well and no one would know I was falling apart, but off stage, I was crumbling to dust, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop it from happening.
“Are you coming for dinner, Gray?” Addi asked, concern clear in her eyes.
“No, I’m good. I’m exhausted.”
“Gray, it would look better for the band if you came along. You don’t want to become a problem again, do you?” Hazel’s pinched tone questioned.
“Hazel, I appreciate you’re here to protect the label's investment, but I’ve had enough. Fuck off and leave my band alone. If they want to sack me for saying that, fine, but look at him, you’ve fucking broken his spirit,” Addi fired out.
“I have very specific instructions, Addison. Fix the problems you’ve all created. That’s what I’m doing. Gray has tarnished the reputation of the band with his distasteful relationship, and I’m sorting it. He knows that he needs to toe the line and do as he’s told. He knows the consequences if he doesn’t. Isn’t that right, Gray?”
I didn’t even bother replying.
“Grayson will come for dinner with the band. He will smile. He will kiss his bride to be where people can take pictures because I’m telling him he has to. He knows what he has to do to make his sexual misdemeanors disappear.”
“What the hell is all this?” Tanner yelled, pushing out of his seat, leaning his enormous frame over Hazel, trying to protect me. “I’ve had sex with so many people I can’t even count. I can’t remember half of them because I was off my face and the record company never sent anyone. Why now, Hazel?”
“Your behavior started all this, Tanner, but you were clever enough to keep it behind closed doors or to choose to have socially acceptable relationships. What Grayson did was abhorrent. It’s not normal. I told the record company this and they agreed with me. It’s why they chose me to come here. I won’t allow this sort of thing around the bands I work with. You’re representing the label and you are role models for young people. His behavior does not fit that.”
“And my drink and drugs binges did?”
“As I said, I’m here to deal with the current, more pressing problems of the band, which is Grayson. You have to live with your own behavior, Mr. Hastings.”
“Fuck, Gray, you don’t have to listen to this shit. Do you hear me?” Tanner fisted my shirt, forcing me to look at him, but I didn’t have enough energy to react.
As I got ready for dinner, I considered when I’d lost my love of music. I didn’t know when it had vanished. Well, actually, I did. It had been fading for years. I felt like we’d been on the road for nearly a decade. As kids trying to get noticed, and then as adults signed to the record label. All we did was tour. The label gave us instructions, and we did as we were told. Other than being able to write our own songs, we had little or no autonomy about how our careers developed and I’d grown to hate it more and more. I wanted a home, a life away from the band that let me be myself, and then time with my family making and playing music we loved. What we’d ended up with was a hamster wheel of touring, performing at the label’s demand.
Being with Ethan and Ivy brought back my passion. Knowing they were in the crowd, there when I got off stage, supporting me. It gave me the fire I’d been missing. Without them, I was just an empty shell of myself.
I did as I was told and we went out for dinner, Hazel watching me like my own personal prison guard.
I observed the people around me. Tanner, Mav, Frankie, and even Addi chatted and laughed as if the world wasn’t fading to black. I watched as they ate, while I couldn’t bear to put food in my mouth. I didn’t deserve the life I had, but I also didn’t want it.
I sucked in a deep breath. “I need some time off. I’m a mess. I hate everything about what we’re doing. I can’t do it.” I spoke quietly, uncertain about the words leaving my mouth and the impact they would have on the band, but the relief at saying it out loud was almost instant. As if I could fill my lungs fully for the first time in years.
Tanner moved to speak, as did Addi, but Hazel got there first, hissing out her words.
“The record company thought you might do this, Grayson. If you choose to do this there will be a twenty million pound breach of contract made against the whole band. That’s based on what we’ve paid you, but also future earnings. If one of you leaves, you will all be charged.”
“He’s not asking to leave. He’s asking for some time off. Look at him, Hazel,” Mav begged. “If he broke his leg or got the flu, would you give him time off? Of course, you would. He’s not well.”
“He’s nothing but weak,” Hazel hissed. “Illness is acceptable. Weakness is not. He can pull himself together, snap out of it and stop wallowing in his self pity. It’s pathetic.”
Frankie slammed her hand on the table, drawing looks from people around us. “Hazel, you are a bitch, and we would like you to leave our family dinner. You’re not family and Gray doesn’t need a babysitter.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I mean it, Grayson, you will not break this band because you’re weak. I will not allow it.”
Frankie stood and wrapped her arms around me. I peered up at my little sister. The girl I used to tease when she was tiny, the one who begged to join the band and spent hours learning the drums, persuading Mum to make us let her practice with us. The one who we’d recently learned felt like an outsider, even though we thought she was at the very center of our orbit.
“Love you, Frankie.”
