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I finish getting ready, not having put in much effort because it's just my mom. Plus, I'm running on an empty tank today. Fumes are all I have, but that's going to have to be enough to get me through what I need to do.
I make my way downstairs, finding all of them sitting in the living room watching a football game. I had wondered what all of the shouting was about and now everything makes a little bit more sense.
I keep forgetting it’s football season, despite the fact that Cole disappears every morning and afternoon, plus most Friday or Saturday nights. I’m pretty sure he has some away games coming up, so he's going to disappear for longer than that, but in all honesty, my head's been so far up my ass that I've been selfish enough to not pay attention to what's going on with their lives.
After today, I should probably try and prioritize some of that, especially if we're going to be doing this thing with the five of us for real, but then I should probably speak to them about that too. Speaking with Travis is one thing, but I feel like it's a conversation I need to have with all of them, or at least each of them.
I want to make sure that everybody's on the same page so that nobody's wires get crossed and nobody ends up getting hurt. Because I'm aware that, in this situation, I'm probably going to be the one who ends up broken at the end of it.
"I’m going to see my mom," I announce as I head into the kitchen and grab a croissant from the plate on the island before pouring myself a mocha. I add extra syrup because I'm not sure I can handle my mom for too long without all the extra sugar in my system.
"Do you want us to come with you?" Sawyer asks. I swear his smile makes my heart skip a beat. He's been so good, so caring and attentive throughout all of this. I'm not sure that I'd still be going if it wasn't for his perpetual joy and enthusiasm about life. He really does radiate that golden retriever energy and it's really helping me get through.
"No, that's probably not the best idea," I tell him. "She’s going to feel cornered enough as it is and if you guys come too, it's going to feel like an attack. I think this is something I have to do alone."
"At least let us come with you to the house," Travis says, lifting the remote and turning off the TV. "At least then we're with you, even if we're not there while you talk to your mom."
I take a minute weighing up the pros and cons of it, but ultimately decide fuck it. "Yeah, sure. That sounds good. At least then I don't have to drive the Batmobile. I'm not sure I should be driving anyway."
Travis nods then runs upstairs, returning moments later with a hoodie in his hand and sneakers on his feet. The others were already dressed, so I cram my pastry into my mouth and transfer my coffee into a tumbler before we all pile outside to the car to drive to the Kensington McMansion.
My stomach twists and turns the entire journey and I barely say a word, letting the four of them talk around me and joining in only when I absolutely have to. While deep inside I already know the answers, I really need my mom to confirm what the police told me, but when she does, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the fact that I killed my father.
Or that he tried to kill me.
* * *
I sit opposite my mom at the small round table, waiting for her to speak. "Do I need to ask you again?"
She just blinks at me like I've pushed the pause button, or the reset button in her brain and she's currently rebooting. If it wasn't so frustrating, it would be mildly amusing. I give her a few moments before I say it again. "Is Noah Crawford my father?"
I already know the answer, because I've never seen her shut down in quite this fashion, but I need to hear her say the words. After a few more moments, she nods.
"Why did you never tell me?" I ask. "Why did you let me believe that Dad was my dad?"
She looks like she's about to cry, which makes absolutely no sense to me because I'm the one who's just had my entire existence upended by all of this.
While I haven’t really let myself feel anything about what happened on Thanksgiving night, I get the feeling that knowing this information and having it confirmed by her is going to send me on a shame and guilt spiral like no other I've ever known.
Other than when Iris died.
"I didn't tell you, I didn't tellanyone, because that would mean acknowledging what actually happened."
My stomach twists at the deadness in her eyes, at the hollowness of her voice as she speaks.
"What does that even mean?"
"Don't make me say it, Briar. I never wanted you to know. I know I'm a crappy mother, and I always have been, but this was at least something I could protect you from. Don't make me say it."
I think I'm going to be sick, because if she's implying what I think she is, a whole new layer of self-loathing is about to wash over me.
"Please don't leave me thinking the worst, Mom. Please, just tell me because otherwise…" I trail off, unable to finish the sentence as she stares off into the distance over my shoulder.
"Noah Crawford was someone I met once. Before him… I was happy before him. I was sober. Before him, my life was completely different. He stole so much from me, but he at least gave me you."
For the first time in my life, I actually feel sorry for my mom. The woman I knew has always had issues. If what she's telling me is true, then he's the man that started everything. I'm the byproduct of that. "I tried to forget," she says, her voice still fully emotionless. "But there is only so much that you can forget when every time you close your eyes to go to sleep at night, you relive every moment of the worst part of your life, the day your innocence was stripped away. The day you realized that monsters really do exist, and they look just like you and I. That was the day I grew up. That was the day I learned that everybody has a monster inside of them, no matter how well they hide it."
"Mom," I start, and she finally looks at me with those cold, dead eyes before barking out a dry laugh.
