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He steps toward me, our chests bumping before I think to move back. “If taking advantage of being a professional athlete means having sex once at nineteen, so be it.”
My mind replays his angry words, sure I heard wrong. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Still no one but you, Spitfire.”
“I don’t understand. You had a live-in girlfriend. You’re a professional baseball player. You’re a twenty-four-year-old man. You haven’t slept with anyone? How is that… Why?”
His chest puffs, the vein in his neck pulsing. “Oh, I don’t know, Nova. Maybe because my best friend’s mother molested me as a child.”
I cover a stunned gasp with my hand. “You’ve never said it like that. You’ve never—”
“You’ve known for years. The past hasn’t changed.” He huffs a sigh.
“No. No, I get that. I just—” My feet move without my consent, closing the gap. “You’ve never used those words before, Dev. To hear you…” The right words won’t come.
Devin peers down his nose at me. “Confess?” The corner of his mouth curls with disdain.
“Maybe? Or maybe it’s more like an admission.”
“I don’t like playing the victim.”
“Being a victim doesn’t make you weak.” Dev winces, prompting my arms to grip his sides, anchoring him in place. “You are one, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. What she did. It doesn’t make you any less of a human being. You survived, Dev. You’ve built an amazing life for yourself.”
“Nova, don’t.” Large hands circle my wrists.
“No.” I cling to his navy shirt, determined. “I’m sorry I called you names like some middle school bully. I assumed, and I should have been more sensitive. I just…” I’m jealous.
His nostrils flare. “I’m not hard up if that’s what you’re thinking.”
Jackass.My arms drop. “Obviously not. I saw the photographic evidence. I’m sure they leave you with quite the happy ending.”
“Don’t worry. The favors are returned.” His face is void of emotion.
He’s lying. He has to be.
“Why are we doing this, Dev? Why are you pushing my buttons this way? Do you want me to admit to being envious of those women? Is that what you want?”
“You know what? Yeah, I do. I want you to admit you have feelings for me and that every one of those shots made you angry. Or that every time you saw me with Palmer you couldn’t stand it. I want you to admit that you’re pissed at yourself for letting me go.”
“Hey!” I rear back, stunned. “Don’t you dare throw that in my face, Devin Hawthorne. You were the one who said it was too hard to stay connected.”
“And you were the one who opened the door and kicked me out.”
“Because I wanted you to be happy. I thought it’s what you wanted.”
“No, I wanted you to fight.” He hits his chest with his fist, and I withdraw with each painfulthump.“I wanted you to tell me you’d be here with me in the end.”
Why doesn’t he understand?“I didn’t want to make a promise I might not fulfill. It wasn’t fair to keep you waiting.”
He shakes his head. “I wanted to wait. I just needed you to tell me you wanted me to. All you had to do was ask.” His tone hurts.
I never meant to cause him pain. I only tried to do what was right. The same as he did when he left me in Oregon. I needed time to become who I am today. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you? Are you sorry for showing up at my door after months of silence and ruining any chance Palmer and I had the moment I saw your face again? Are you sorry for sitting back and waiting? For not jumping at the chance to try with me? For not coming to any of my games? Are you pissed that we keep missing each other?” My throat burns with tears. “Because that’s how I feel every soul-sucking time I see you with another man. I want to kick their asses. And damn, how I want you to experience just an ounce of the misery I do.”
The first tear drops as my throat closes.
How does he not get that all I’ve been trying to do since seeing him with Palmer in that hotel room is find a way to move on?
