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“Wanna try again?” I offered with a smile.
Tears brimmed Darlene’s eyes. She cleared her throat and chuckled once more as she methodically turned her beer glass around and around. “Yeah, I dunno. I went a long time where Duke saw James more than I did. He works, but mostly from home.” Her rotating glass captured one of the overhead lights and turned her beer a bright gold when the light hit it right. When she paused, her fingertip trailed a drop of beer until it slapped onto the counter. “I don’t want to end up ignoring him as Ryan did.”
“Hey, it’s not like Ryan didn’t want to be there.” I swallowed. “I don’t think.”
She waved dismissively. “I know. It’s just... I’ve always loved kids. And I wonder how much attention James gets when he goes—it’s a big daycare—and I just think I could be there for him and maybe help some other parents while I’m at it.”
I smiled and blinked away the dizzy wave that came when I turned on my stool to face her fully. “That’s really neat. I want to be happy for you, Darlene, but I have to admit, it’s—”
“I know. I’m beingsuperdepressing, aren’t I?” She eyed her glass. “I just wanted to ask you something, and I couldn’t get myself to do it over the phone.”
Nerves traveled up to the center of my gut and fermented there until I released the question on a breath. “What question?”
Darlene’s dark gaze leveled with mine. “Are you going to be in James’s life? Are you going to get in the way of our family?”
The words hit me like an old friend’s betrayal, and I wasn’t sure why. “I would never get between Ryan and his family. Wait, hold on.” I tried to gather my thoughts. “Ryan and I aren’t dating. We just slept together.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“Excuse me?” I couldn’t figure out why I felt so easily offended, but my defenses went up, and I prepared for battle. I wasn’t sure what I was fighting for, but something about her questioning my intentions with Ryan reminded me vaguely of being dismissed at work so simply.
“I’m sorry.” Darlene’s head melted between her raised arms as her elbows slammed against the countertop. She clutched hair between her fingers, and I swore I heard a faint sniff and prepared for tears. But when she looked up, her eyes were dry. “I just felt so hopeful after we talked. I just... I don’t know what to expect, you know? And Jamesloveshis daddy, but I can’t make him promises that Ryan won’t keep. I want to trust that Ryan will do what he says—he always tries to—but if he gets swallowed up in work...”
Darlene rambled about Ryan and her fears about his intentions. As I listened, I tried to remember that she wasn’t attacking him. She wasn’t even angry. I was listening to the tired hopes and fears of a mother on her last legs, wishing she could control the unknowns she walked toward every day.
Unsure what else to do, I scooted my stool closer and rubbed her back lightly. “Hey,” I began, thinking hard for something to say. “I really don’t think he’d do that. In fact, no, he wouldn’t do that. He has been trying to find a way that he can be James’s father for real, hasn’t he? He’s taken big steps toward taking on that role.”
“He admitted he wanted to sue me. For full custody.”
“What?” Had he done that before he and I talked or after? Did what I say truly make no difference at all?
“I thought he’d changed his mind, but since I haven’t seen him—”
“That doesn’t mean he went to start a lawsuit. He’s more honorable than that.”
She swiped a tear from her red, puffy eyes. “He is.”
I kicked at the stool’s legs, weighing my words before I said them. “Did you talk about getting back together? Or, what happened the last time you saw him?”
Darlene sniffed. “No.” A chuckle escaped on a sigh. “Hell no. We’d agreed to work through things for James. Now he’s ghosting me. I know he has things to do for his house and work and whatever, but even when he was busy all the time, I could always get hold of him.
I glanced at the phone near her lighting up.
She noticed my gaze and grabbed the phone. Her head shook. “It’s Duke. He’s just checking on me.”
We’d barely been here for ten or twenty minutes. “Is everything okay?”
She nodded quickly. “Yeah, just... working through stuff.” She pressed the last button on her phone before turning off her screen and setting it face down on the counter. “You around many stupid men?”
I scoffed. “We’re around them right now.”
“Yeah.” Darlene folded her hands in front of her as she swept her gaze around the room. “You know, one time, Ryan and I came here to meet with a few of his old buddies from college, and when they came in, Ryan acted as if I weren’t even there. He was so excited to see them.”
“Well, that’s screwed up.”
She shrugged, her smile soft and genuine. “I thought so. But I don’t have to be the center of his world. It wasn’t that he forgot I was there at that moment. It’s that when he’s in a moment, nothing else exists.”
“Oh, Darlene...” I fought the urge to lean against her and opted instead to touch her hand. “I’m sorry he did that to you.”
