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“It sucks most that he never realized he was doing that.” Tears glinted in her eyes. “Him trying now is like the unanswered prayer, you know?” Her smile made my heart swell, and my brow wrinkled as I fought back tears of my own. “I don’t want it for me anymore. I just really want it for James. I want him to feel seen. By his dad.”
“Well, if he doesn’t step up and do right, I’ll help you kick his ass.”
Darlene laughed, and her mood lightened after that. We had so much to talk about, and it surprised me how kind and optimistic she really was. I could see how someone like her would appeal to Ryan. Her outlook on things was so positive, to begin with, but after years of disappointment, at some point, she’d adopted a pessimistic attitude. It had to be hard to navigate such disappointment.
Darlene was a beautiful woman, inside and out, and it hurt me to understand that Ryan walked away from someone like her. Even if he was growing as a person, how could I begin to measure up to Darlene’s strength?
“I know it’s wrong,” she said, “but sometimes it bugs me when Ryan gets preachy about wanting to be part of his life.” She scoffed. “It’s not like I ever said no. I just told him how shitty it was that he wasn’t following through.”
We were on our second beers, but Darlene swirled the rest of hers as if she were weighing whether to get another. When the bartender caught her gaze, he gestured in acknowledgment before retrieving a fresh glass and filling it from the tap. “I just don’t want him to disappoint James in a big way one day.”
“What makes you think he will?”
“He’s done it enough to cost our marriage. How can I believe he reached a breaking point now?”
Chapter 26
Ryan
After talking to Darlene, I felt really good about where we were heading. It felt normal, almost, and I couldn’t wait to see James again. I really hadn’t been there for my family, and something about this past week opened my eyes to how blind I’d actually been, full of anger, guilt, and blame. I knew where I’d gone wrong, and I promised Darlene that I would always be there for James from now on.
I looked around the bar where I sat. The neon glow cast a dim light onto the brick walls and black-painted floor. A mellow alternative beat played quietly in the background, and a few college kids laughed over their beer and a pool table.
When a shorter man walked inside, I threw my head up in greeting and waited for my friend to reach the bar top. “Hey, man,” Elroy said and leaned against the counter. “How’s it going?”
“Hey,” I said as he sat on the neighboring stool. “Sorry to bug you.”
“What? No, seriously. What’s going on?”
“I have been so shitty. I screwed up with Darlene.”
“Did she move?” Elroy’s body tensed. “What about James?”
“No, she didn’t move.” I shook my head when the bartender locked eyes with me. “When we were married. I screwed up, and the more I realize I screwed up, the less I know what to do.”
“About what?”
“Everything.” I hung my head between my palms. “Things seemed good after we talked, but then... I just left realizing how much time I missed with my son. I thought about hiring a fuckingnanny, dude. During the times I had him, I thought about hiring someone to watch him when I had to work.”
Elroy shrugged and ran a hand through the top of his black hair. “Nothin’s wrong with nannies. I had a nanny. Remember? She’d make those—”
“Oh, those croissant rolls, right?” My eyes nearly rolled to the back of my head as I remembered the most buttery croissants Ms. Bernard liked to make on days she cooked. My mouth watered at the thought of smelling the rich floury smell as it expanded in the oven. “Damn, I miss those.”
“Wish I learned the recipe.”
“You’d ruin the recipe.”
We laughed, then I shook my head and sighed. “I just don’t want to miss out on his life. And I acted as if that wasn’t a priority. And now it’s like I want to take away half the time he spends with his mom.”
“You still thinking of filing for full custody?”
“It’s seeming like less of a good idea.”
“Are you sure she’s not leaving, though?”
He spoke as if he knew something I didn’t. “What do you mean?”
Elroy held his hands up. “No, I don’t mean nothin’. I’m just saying if you really think she’d do something like that, it’s a risk not to go after her when you hold all the cards. You don’t have to follow through with what the ruling says, but if any part of you thinks she’ll come after your rights, you need to at least walk away knowing you’re the one with the say in his life, you know? Otherwise, she and Duke will have half the say in everything, whether you like it or not.”
