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I tried to process what he was saying, but he smacked his hand on my shoulder, and I jolted. “I’m not trying to say she will, Ryan. I just want you to be careful. I’m not sure what you remember about my whole thing, but I was the opposite of you. I didn’t get anything during my divorce. She got it all. You don’t sign in time...” Elroy shook his head somberly. “State’ll screw you.”
I appreciated the man’s opinion, and really, I had wanted to hear the opinion of someone who knew a little more about Darlene. But for some reason, what Elroy said didn’t sit well with me. It didn’t feel close enough to the truth that I felt comfortable accepting it. What Christie had said didn’t sit well when I first heard it, though, either. But she was right, just like Darlene was. It was strange how reasonable someone like Christie could be, even though she knew so little about my life or Darlene’s. Christie was smart and intuitive. She kept me from feeling self-doubt and guilt long enough that I could see more clearly. It felt like she could almost harness the weaknesses within me.
“I don’t think I want to break that trust with her. I need to earn it back.”
Elroy patted my hand before downing the rest of his beer. “You’re a good man, Ryan.” He shifted backward, gesturing at me as he headed for the door. “I’m gonna head out, but you be careful, okay?”
I threw up a few fingers in a small wave. “Be you, man.”
Elroy chuckled. “Be you.”
I stayed until the bar closed but found myself unable to drink. My thoughts swirled with plans and a few unknowns, and I wished Christie could help me fill in the blanks. Even when she called, I couldn’t find the courage to pick up. She’d seen a disgusting side of me that I didn’t want her to use as a label for me. But still, I hated the idea of not talking to her again.
Before I could do that, though, I needed to make sure I was in the clear with James and Darlene. I couldn’t let a new woman into my life while trying to put myself and my family back together. I had to be a father first, and as I was starting to understand that, I began to see more ways I could be better for Darlene. I had to start by prioritizing things, so after the bar closed, I went home and decided that was what I’d do.
The next day, I called the home appraiser and scheduled a date. In doing that, I’d basically turned around my entire situation. I’d have a home by the end of the month, and when the hiring process was over in our other cities, I’d have all my time in Dallas. James would be sick of seeing me so often, and I’d make sure of it.
I passed through a neighborhood not too far from James’s daycare, pulled into the parking lot, and walked up to the front desk. Two doors led to a large room where the kids played or learned or did whatever they did in there, and splashes of color on the walls carried a multi-colored hue into the plain-white room where the receptionist waited patiently for me to answer her.
“Sorry, I’m here to see my son. James. He’s four.”
The woman’s face lit up, but her gray eyes were sad. “I’m sorry, sir, but the children are napping right now. Are you on the emergency contact list?”
“I better be.”
Her eyebrows rose as if she were weighing her options to respond, and when prompted, I gave her my full name while she searched for something on her computer.
“I’m sorry, sir.” Her eyes flicked toward me before returning to the screen. The sound of a closing door brought my attention to another woman leading a child through the left doorway. I faced the receptionist again. “I’m sorry, but I can’t find your information in here.”
“Who is his emergency contact?”
“Sir, I can’t release personal information.”
“I’m just asking for a name. Is it Duke?”
The false sympathy in her expression just pissed me off. If Duke was on there, I swore... “I’m sorry. I can call his mother for confirmation if—”
“I am hisfather.”
Her voice took on a firmer edge. “Well, you’re not on the emergency contact list, and I hope that, as his father, you can understand that because if someone is not on this list, it would be dangerous for me to let someone see a child they don’t have written permission to see.”
I stared at the black-checkered linoleum and tried to riddle out why Darlene wouldn’t put me on as his emergency contact. Was she lying to me about us moving forward? Was I missing something?
“Thanks.” I didn’t meet her gaze as I spun toward the door, exiting and heading straight for the park around the corner. I needed to breathe, and I needed to collect myself.
I hadn’t been in this neighborhood since Darlene and I were dating. She and I would walk around the paved trails and admire the sun blinking through gaps in the trees. We’d been so innocently in love. It was strange how easily that went away.
A few people littered the sidewalks and followed the curved path into urban nature. It split a few times to offer variety, but my legs dragged me down the same path I’d traveled many times before.
Squirrels skittered up tree trunks and chirped at each other in places I couldn’t see. I wondered if they were arguing or simply having a conversation. Sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference with people, but with squirrels, it seemed as if everything they said was an order. Every noise they made refused to go unheard.
“On your left.”
I jumped to my right to let a biker pass; his tall frame bent over a road bike on thin wheels. I watched his back until I no longer saw the yellow flames licking up his lycra-clad shoulder, then I kept walking on my path.
I thought of Christie. I’d like to show her this place. I’d almost showed her, except we got preoccupied, and then I chickened out. Something about this park felt almost sacred. If I brought her here, I’d want it to be because we were ready to be more for each other. My world was too confusing and unsure right now for me to know whether that was even possible right now, and if she wasn’t moving to Dallas anyway, what was the point?
My gut twisted at the sudden thought of this place becoming a stained memory. God forbid Darlene bring Duke here and just shit all over what we had when we were together. I sat on a bench under an oak tree that bowed over as if to specifically bring shade to this spot. This spot was where so many promises and life changes had been made.
