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Hanna- Okay, I'll let you know if plans change.
I blow out a deep breath. I was afraid she was going to avoid me. Do everything in her power to stay away from me, to keep Ellie away. What's crazy is I already love Ellie as much as I still love Hanna. She is so tiny and bursting with imagination and love. I want her to know me as much I want to know her. She looks just like Hanna, a spitting image, really, but she has my eyes. That reality sends an ache into my chest. I abandoned them, the love of my life, my own daughter.
I wasn't there when Hanna had Ellie, when she took her first steps and when she said mama for the first time. I have to fix this, somehow.
"Is everything okay?" Dojo asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I'm meeting her tomorrow to talk."
"Good, maybe your head will be clear before we fly again on Friday."
"What are they saying about the deployment?"
"Not much. I just heard that it would be quick, maybe thirty days."
"This literally couldn't be a worse time to up and leave. We just got here."
He shakes his head, understanding how upset I am. Ninety-nine percent of the time, if there's talk of a mission, it's usually true. If they're preparing to send our squadron, we will know soon, and they don't typically give much notice.
The reality is, I need to talk to Hanna and quick, just in case.
"I'm going to shower." I groan, pulling my bedroom door closed.
The water running over my back is calming, almost like therapy. Not quite, but almost. I spent about a year seeing an actual therapist, recommended by the Air Force to deal with everything that happened with Ryan. Sometimes I think it helped. Other times I wish I would've stayed with my family and worked through it together. I lean my head against the shower wall, the water flowing down my chin, my mind everywhere but here in the shower.
18 Years Old
I saw my dad standing outside the fence at the football stadium and nearly passed out. I haven't had any contact with him since I was twelve, and honestly, I think I might be hallucinating. I look around at my teammates, and when I look back to the fence, he's gone. I scan the bleachers for Hanna, hoping he doesn't see her. We have the playoffs this weekend, but to see him standing here outside that fence made me completely forget I was even at practice.
I toss my helmet on the sideline and sprint toward the stadium entrance looking for him.
"Dad!" I yell, searching the parking lot for him, freaking out. I had no idea he was getting out of prison. I need to get to Judson. Now.
I take off all of my pads and throw them in the back of my truck rather than going back to the field house and basically fly to my brother. My mind all over the place, my eyes falling on the sweatshirt in my passenger seat.
Fuck. Hanna.
She is supposed to meet me at the field, and we were going to ride home together. Shit. Shit. Shit. She can't know about this. About my dad. About my past. She'd never want to be with me. Her family would never approve. No matter how rich we are, our reputation will be enough to warrant disapproval.
I've never cared about anyone like I do her, and that scares me a little bit. These past few months have been insane. I'm so obsessed with her it's stupid.
We haven't even had sex!
Sure I want to, I'm certainly not a virgin, but I respect her enough to wait for her to be ready. She said she isn't exactly waiting for marriage but is waiting for the right guy. I want to be that guy. No. I need to be that guy.
I can't protect her from my father. If he's back, he's back to wreak vengeance. A scheme that probably involves me or revenge against Carter and Judson for having him locked up.
Judson and dad have never seen eye to eye, and neither have we, but he's always treated me differently than Judson. He hated us both but always had some sort of a conscience when it came to me. So he never hit me. Instead, he played mind games. Constantly.
I pull into the driveway, my mind racing as I bust the front door open. Not even worrying about what I might walk in on. Blakely and Judson are eating in the kitchen, and the second my eyes find Judson's, the tears start to fall.
I explain what I saw, rambling the words out frantically. Judson is pissed. But I know him well enough to see he is also a little afraid. Even if he doesn't want to show it in front of Blake.
His fear is justified. I know exactly what dad is capable of. Blake pulls me into a hug, and I just melt into her. She's speaking, but I'm not really listening to her words. She reminds me so much of my mom that I just sink into her arms.
After a few minutes, my breathing starts to slow, and I go into the kitchen to call Hanna. Instead of telling her the truth, like she deserves.
I lie.
