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I couldn't even manage to tell her a fucked up version of the truth. I just lie, and it hurts. It stings because I actually want to share with her. Every fucked up piece of me, even the parts that I don't like.
When dad got locked up, initially, I was pissed. Pissed at him for lying to all of us, pissed at how he treated mom. Pissed at how he would grab me by the back of my neck and throw me to the ground, telling me how stupid I was for wanting to live with mom after they split. I was eleven when she died, and the year I had to suffer there with him alone was the worst of my life.
Judson saved me. He won't admit it. He won't come directly out and say that he and Carter did this to protect me, but I know they did. He hated leaving his twelve-year-old brother with a monster, and when he finally graduated, he and Carter pulled the trigger. Ryan Banks went to prison, and I went to Judson.
Hanna sends a hundred messages that night while I sleepover with Judson. I ignore every last one. I can tell that she is worried, but right now, she shouldn't know what's going on, even if that means it hurts her for a minute. It's better than the alternative.
The next day I continue to ignore her, and Judson and I go to Atlanta to speak with Carter. He is insistent that nothing will change. I can see in Judson's eyes that he is terrified. Not of what dad will do to him but what dad could do to Blakely in some sick and twisted revenge scheme.
My phone continues to receive messages from Hanna, one right after the other.
Hanna- Jameson, just tell me what the hell is going on.
Hanna- Just tell me what is wrong. Maybe I can help.
Hanna- Is it the guys? Football?
Hanna- Jay, please!
I think quickly about what I could say to buy myself a little time.
Jameson- I just need some space.
Hanna- Is this because I won't sleep with you?
God, no. It has nothing to do with that. When it comes to Hanna, I can be patient. She makes me better. When I'm around her, I'm not the quick-tempered man-whore I used to be. She makes me want to do better, and I need her. Still, instead of being honest about what is going on, I lie again.
Jameson- I don't know. I just don't think this is working out. I'll never be able to be what you want.
Hanna- Is this you breaking up with me?
Jameson- This is me wanting space.
Hanna- I fucking knew I should've listened to my mom! She was right. The second you decided you were done waiting, you would get it from someone else and vanish. I really thought we had something. I'll pack my stuff up tomorrow.
I turn my phone off, slipping it casually down into my pocket. Instantly feeling a sense of regret and nausea. Hanna's parents flipped their lid when they found out she was living with me. Her brother showed up to cause a scene. He practically threatened my life if anything happened to her, and I bet that'll be a fun ass-kicking when I get back. They didn't like me then, and they certainly won't like me now that my felon father is back in town and I've hurt Hanna. Fuck.
Judson and Carter talk for hours about what's next and how they can put him back behind bars, all while I'm just over here drowning in my own self-pity. I want to protect her from this as much as possible, even if that means leaving her alone. I'll do anything.
My dad knows some dangerous people, people who would do anything to please him. He could manipulate Hanna, have her raped, hell maybe even killed. He wouldn't care, he wouldn't even bat an eye, and I can't put her in that position. Judson will do the same thing for Blake.
I may have my issues. My temper, the fighting, the drinking, but I'm not a monster. I'm not my father.
