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Hanna nods knowingly, scooting a little closer to me on the couch, "She took it better than I thought she would."
"She's everything I've ever dreamed of, and I was terrified she'd be disappointed that I was her father."
Hanna jerks away, her warm hand firmly yanking my chin around to face her. "Why would she be disappointed?"
Her eyes sear directly into mine, waiting for an explanation. "I don't know."
She drops her hand from my chin, her tone stern and motherly, "Jameson, this ends now. You made something of yourself, despite everything you've been through," she taps my chest, directly above my heart, "and Ellie picks up on your vibe. She's thrilled. Stop telling yourself you aren't good enough."
My jaw is quite literally on the floor as she drags her hand away from me, realizing she's too close.
"You have done an amazing job with her," I whisper.
Her eyes glisten with pride as she glances at the picture of Ellison and her on the end table. "She's my entire world."
You are both my entire world, I want to say. I want to pull the ring I bought her when I was nineteen out of my drawer and place it on her finger. Scream at the top of my lungs that I'm sorry for everything that happened, but I don't.
I can't.
If I ever get the nerve to ask her that question again, it won't be because I need forgiveness.
I push the thought aside, "Thank you for sharing her with me."
"Just promise me that no matter what, you don't push her away."
I sigh, "Hanna, I never meant–"
She places her index finger over my lips, silencing me, "No. I can't relive that. I can handle what happened, but I want you to promise me that you will never toss Ellie aside."
"Never," I agree, "I never will."
She shakes her head, but I can still see the uncertainty in her eyes, "Hanna?"
"I believe you," She says, fidgeting her hands in her lap nervously.
"No, you don't," I sigh, "Why would you? I told you that you were my reason for breathing and still managed to walk away."
She shoots me a glare of warning, correcting her posture on the sofa.
"Jameson, we really don't need to talk about it. It was a long time ago. I've moved on."
The thought of her with Eric makes me red with jealousy. I know I should let it go, but I can't. She needs to hear what I have to say. Even if it's only once.
"Stop, and just listen to me!" I beg, "I'm sorry, Hanna. I'm so fucking sorry. I'll never be able to express what I was thinking. Where my mind was that day at the courthouse or the days leading up to it. I can't ever take it back, and I've spent the last six years regretting it."
"No," She warns, "Stop. This doesn't change anything, Jameson."
"It does for me. I've been waiting six years to tell you that I'm sorry."
She huffs out a sigh, "I spent the last six years knowing that you were. I could see the sorries in your eyes before they ever left your mouth. You were saying all those horrible things to me, but I knew you were sorry."
I so desperately want to kiss her. To take her cheeks between my hands and taste her, just like I used to. My eyes fall to her lips, my daydream becoming more intense as I can hear her breathing become more shallow. I rake the pad of my thumb over the softness of her lip, and she shuffles backward, standing and stepping away in one swift motion.
"So I'll see you this weekend?" She stumbles, moving toward the door to usher me out.
"Yeah, I'll meet you guys at the airport," I say, scratching the back of my neck.
"Ellie! Jameson is leaving!"
She tramples into the room, dragging a heap of costumes behind her, "Bye, Daddy!"
My heart drops to the bottom of my stomach and I stop breathing. Suddenly everything is okay. A tiny fifty pound five-year-old may be the only thing holding me together.
