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I took another deep breath. “OK, here it goes. I did know about the baby in London.” I rushed on. “Well, not entirely, but I thought I was pregnant.”
“You knew before the doctor told you?”
“Kind of.”
“You’ve been acting like you were surprised.”
“I know, and please just listen to why I didn’t tell you earlier.” I patted the seat next to me for him to sit, and he ignored it. I sighed, and continued, “As you know, the doctor told me when I woke up. He told me that I had lost the baby. He assumed I knew I’d been pregnant.”
“That’s what you told me in the hospital, that the doctor told you, you’d lost a baby. You said the doctor told you after the surgery on your collarbone.” He sounded like he knew what I was telling him but didn’t want to believe I had lied to him.
“Yes. He told me about the baby, thinking I knew…and I told you about the baby as if I hadn’t.”
His eyes grew wide in disbelief. “So, you acted like you didn’t know then told me that you didn’t know?”
“I hadn’t done a test. I didn’t know for sure.”
“Now you’re telling me you did know? You’re making my fucking head spin, Camille.”
I wrung my fingers together. “I’d been feeling really tired, really off, and I’d been drinking soda.”
“You don’t like soda.”
I raised my eyebrows.
He rolled his hand. “Continue.”
“I thought it was stress or nerves. A few days before the event, I hadn’t had my period. I counted back, and it had been almost two months. I think I was in shock. Denial, maybe. We had talked about babies, but it was always in the future, not then.”
“Tell me again what he told you.”
“What?”
“What did the doctor tell you when you woke up?”
I cleared my throat. “He said…he said, ‘The surgery went well, but I’m afraid you lost the baby.’ That’s what he said. I didn’t really hear anything after that.”
He closed his eyes and put his fingers to his temples. “We would have had a baby, Camille, our baby, if you hadn’t competed that day.”
“I know.”
“You shouldn’t have made that decision on your own. It was my baby, too. Your decision to ride anyway cost both of us.” His lips were thin.
My stomach churned. I tried to speak but nothing came out. I swallowed. “I know.”
“And you’re telling me this now, because…?”
When he opened his eyes, they were flat, tired almost.
My eyes welled. “Because I don’t want any more misunderstandings, lies or questions about my feelings for you.”
“Let me make sure I completely understand you.” I nodded and he continued, “You kind of, maybe thought, you might be pregnant, with my child, before you went to London?”
“Yes, but….”
He cut me off, “Yes, or no?”
A tear dropped. “Yes.”
