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“Your mother is dead.”
“Yep,” I say. “Maybe I’ll just go drink.”
“Do you need me?” she asks.
“I’m fine, Kelley. Don’t worry about me. Just throwing myself one heck of a pity party.”
“Well, stop. I have to go. Adam is on his way over. He thinks I’m the lucky one because I gave him another chance at another date. Poor guy.” Kelley laughs. “Give Knox my love and tell J.R. that I said hi.”
I laugh. “I think J.R. hates you.”
“Do it, anyway.”
“Fine. I will also need details on this date. Nothing could possibly match the first few.”
16
Present
J.R. insists that I stay at the house with him and Knox tonight. I tried to opt for a hotel, but he wouldn’t have it. He even offered to take the couch so that I could have the bed. I rejected that notion. The couch is a better place for me.
It’s late, and I put Knox to bed just a few moments ago. J.R. meets me in the living room with a thick blanket, a pillow, and a sheet.
“I wish you would let me sleep here,” he says. “It doesn’t feel right.”
“J.R., if you think about it, none of this feels right,” I point out. And it doesn’t. If I had never left, this would still be our house, and we would be going to bed together. That was the natural fit. This—whatever this is—isn’t natural.
“She’s a good kid,” J.R. says to me. “You’re a great mom.”
I lay the sheet across the couch, position the pillow, and then spread out the blanket. “Thanks.”
“Can we stay up a little longer? Talk? About earlier. The ring, marriage, all that stuff?” he asks.
“I’m not sure what there is to talk about, J.R. I’ve apologized for leaving; and now that I know with certainty that I’m the asshole in this situation, there’s nothing to say.” I look up at him into his blue eyes. I want to kiss him, but I don’t.
“You’re not an asshole, Rach,” he says gently. “We just…we should have talked more. It wasn’t just you. We just didn’t talk.”
I shake my head. “It was me. It was all me. You were perfect. Well, maybe not perfect, but close.” I plop down on the couch. “I hid Knox from you, J.R. I’m a terrible person.”
“You’re not.” He sits down next to me. “I have spent so much time thinking of all the things I could have done differently. I should have asked you to marry me sooner. It’s all I wanted. I just…didn’t. Maybe I was afraid. I guess I was afraid.”
I turn in my seat to look at him. I want to touch him, but I don’t. He looks at me so softly, gently, tenderly; and I can’t figure out why. How he can be so calm now? Sitting next to me like this? He was so angry yesterday. So cold. I think he’s still angry with me. I can see it in his eyes, and I don’t expect he’ll ever stop being upset with me. He wants to talk, though. He needs to know everything, and even if it doesn’t change anything, at least he’ll know.
“My mother used to tell me that no man would ever marry me. She had a chapter book of reasons why this was true.” I realize that I’ve never really talked about my mother to J.R. Not really. Just a few things here and there, but nothing in detail. It was easier not to think about it.
“I wanted her to be wrong more than I wanted to be okay with just being your girlfriend. If marriage wasn’t in our cards, if what we had was all there ever would be, then I thought it was better to leave. At least this way, my mother was only partially wrong. If I felt like I was in control of my fate, that made things feel better. More acceptable.”
“You never told me any of that, Rach.”
“It was easier not to think about it. Besides, having just said that out loud, it sounds ridiculous. I don’t think I ever expected you to understand. How could anyone understand what I thought and felt?”
“You told me that she used to tell you that you’d grow up to be an old, cat lady, but I always thought it was a joke.”
“I’m better now. I understand now. I’ve forgiven her.” I shake my head. “Even after she died, she was just always there. She influenced my actions and my thoughts in so many ways.” I prop my head in my hand and sigh. “I really made a mess of everything.”
He doesn’t disagree with me. He just relaxes back on the couch and stares straight ahead. His hands are folded in his lap. I imagine he’s considering everything I’ve said. Maybe even weighing the honesty factor of it all. I can’t blame him. Keeping Knox from him was the largest act of dishonesty I’ve ever committed against another human.
“But you’re here now. Maybe we can’t go back and change anything, but we have a kid. We have to make it work for her. We have to be friendly for her.”
