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Friendly. That word crushes me. I never would expect for us to go back to who we were, but I do miss him. I love him. How can I just be friendly? I imagine having to watch him bring home a new girl and Knox telling me about “Dad’s new girlfriend.” She’ll ramble on and on about how amazing she is, and I’ll just be the woman who had J.R.’s child. The one who had J.R. but let him get away. The woman who didn’t appreciate him. The one who left without any explanation.
I almost can’t breathe at the thought of this scenario because I do still love him. I have always loved him. That has never changed. It never will change. I can’t even image myself trying to date again. No one else will ever be J.R.
After a few moments of silence between us, J.R. asks, “Where have you been all these years?”
“Back Upstate, with Kelley.”
“Of course. With Kelley.” He rolls his eyes.
“You know, in her defense, she has always been Team J.R.”
“Oh, really? And that night I showed up at her house, practically begging her to tell me where you were?”
“She’s a good friend, J.R. She’s loyal, even when she doesn’t want to be.”
J.R. just nods.
17
September 2006
“Kelley!” The pain was intense and sudden. I was stumbling into Kelley’s room through the darkness of the night, hunched over, and certain that I was dying. “Kelley!” I shouted louder. Waking Kelley was a lot like trying to wake the dead. It was nearly impossible.
I feel another contraction. At least, that’s what I thought it was. I had never been pregnant before, of course, but I had seen it in movies.
Kelley finally jolted awake. “Rach? What’s wrong?”
“I think…I mean…I’m pretty sure the baby is coming. Like, now.” I was holding my abdomen, mostly hunched over, and I wasn’t even sure we had time to make it to the hospital. The distance between each wave of pain was less than a minute.
Kelley sprang from the bed in a panic. She was practically running around the room, pulling her clothes on and searching for her shoes. “Your water—did it break?”
“I don’t think so,” I managed to say, and then I cried as another wave of indescribable pain ripped through me.
“That’s good. That means we have time,” she replied hopefully. “Okay, let’s go.”
Kelley pushed me toward the front door, grabbing her purse and keys on the way. I reminded her about the hospital bag that we had packed and situated by the door just in case a situation like we were experiencing were to happen.
“Got it right here,” she said, grabbing it up with one hand as she pushed me through the front door with the other.
The drive to the hospital was like a ride at an amusement park. I had never known Kelley to drive the way she was, and I felt certain that she had missed her calling as a professional race car driver. She was speeding, taking turns on two wheels, and I was clutching the dashboard as though my life depended on it. I was praying, too. Praying that three of us made it to the hospital in one piece.
I reminded Kelley more than once on the way that she needed to call the parents I had chosen for my baby. I had met with them several times over the previous few months, and I was confident that they would give this child a wonderful home. A wonderful life. Something that I knew I could never provide. Kelley promised she would call once we arrived at the hospital, but something in the way she said it made me think that she was going to hold off as long as possible. She still hadn’t given up on me changing my mind about placing my baby for adoption.
When we pulled up to the emergency room entrance, we were greeted by a nurse with a wheelchair. The nurse helped me roll into the wheelchair, and then, just like in the movies, I was rushed into the building and down the hall. I felt myself sweating, and I didn’t even care what they had to do to get this baby out of me, but I needed the pain to end right then.
Kelley ran behind us, telling the nurse everything she needed to know—my name, how many months pregnant I was, my doctor’s name, my date of birth, and a bunch of other things that I wouldn’t have even thought to disclose. I was thankful to have her.
As frantic as I felt, I was relieved that this was almost over. The baby was coming, and once she was here, she would be adopted by a beautiful family. I could go home, pretend like I hadn’t spent the last nine months pregnant, and resume life. Not that it hadn’t been much of a life, anyway. It had been months since I had left J.R., and he was still the first thing I thought about every morning. Still, I talked myself into believing that I couldn’t forget him because I had been growing a piece of him in my body for nine months; and when she was gone, he’d be gone, too. I also told myself that this wasn’t true. There wasn’t life outside of J.R. There was never meant to be a life without him. All leaving him proved was that he completed me in ways that I didn’t know another human could.
I was moved to a bed. Kelley was still at the nurse’s station giving them all my information. I wished she would hurry. I didn’t want to have this baby alone. There wasn’t time for any type of numbing medication. I’d have to deal with the pain and do this the old-fashioned way. The doctor checked me, and then I watched as his eyes grew wide. “We’re going to have a baby in about sixty seconds!” he announced.
“What?” I cried in disbelief. It can’t be time!
“It’s time to push now, Rachel,” a nurse told me.
“Kelley isn’t here!” I argued. “I don’t want to do this alone. This wasn’t part of the plan.”
“You have to push, Rachel!” the doctor said sternly.
