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I watch a smirk break across his hardened expression, and he replies, “I love you, too.”
I wipe my cheek, lean into the front door frame, and watch him leave again. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and a piece of me wishes I had never come back to J.R.. I could have just stayed put with our lives here and told Knox that J.R. was dead or something. Anything to protect me from this pain that I am feeling right now. Those are selfish thoughts, though, and I’ve been selfish long enough.
“He just wants you to move in?” Kelley sits at my kitchen table, helping herself to the last of the freshly brewed coffee.
After J.R. had left last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I was too busy thinking about what he’s asked me to do. What he’s asked us to do. I don’t appreciate Kelley emptying the coffee carafe into her mug. I need coffee. All the coffee.
“Knox and I both. Move in. Like a family, except that we aren’t a family,” I reply, sipping the last bit of coffee from my mug. “I don’t know if I can. It’s hard enough being near him now. I can’t imagine living with him. Every instinct in my body wants to hold him, kiss him.” I push my hand through my hair and relax back in my chair. “And then to just pick up and leave here. We’ve made a home here.”
“Have you asked Knox about it yet?” Kelley asks.
I shake my head. “I’m not even sure how I feel about it. I can’t talk to her about it yet.”
“He’s not wrong, you know. He just wants his family together,” Kelley says. “You have to respect that.”
“Why don’t you marry him then? You never take my side.” I think about saying something about her drinking all my coffee, too, but I don’t.
Kelley rolls her eyes at me. “You know I love you, but I’ll never understand why you left him in the first place.”
“Yeah, well.” I go to sip my coffee again, but then I remember the mug is empty. “I’ll never understand it either. And if I’m being honest, I don’t really understand why you’re still dating Adam.”
“Don’t change the subject. What are you going to do, Rachel?”
I shrug. “I guess what’s best for Knox.”
“You think she’ll want to go?”
“She is irrevocably in love with her dad. She won’t even have to think twice about it.”
“Maybe I’ll come visit. Once a month,” Kelley says.
“You’ll miss me, won’t you?” I smile.
“I’ll live. Besides, I’ve got Adam now.” She winks at me.
Just as I expected, Knox didn’t even take a single second to think about whether she wanted to move to the island or not. As soon as I told her of J.R.’s proposal, her blue eyes lit up; she made some sort of shrill noise that I’ve never in my life heard her make; and then she started packing her bags. I feel guilty for considering not even telling her about what J.R. has asked us to do. I think Knox has waited her entire little life for this.
So, I call J.R. It’s late at night now, but I know he’s awake. The two of us had a bad habit of staying up too late at night when we were together. I think that if we had lacked any more self-control, we would have stayed up until the sun rose the next morning, slept a few hours, and then repeated the process over again.
“I spoke with Knox,” I tell him. “About moving in with you.”
“Yeah?”
“She didn’t even have to think about it,” I say. “She’s already packed her bags and everything.”
“And how do you feel about it?” he asks.
“I feel like living with you and seeing you all of the time won’t be easy, but Knox deserves to be with her dad. I’ll come. We’ll come.”
He’s quiet for a moment, and then he says, “Maybe we’ll work on us, too.”
“What does that mean, J.R.?” I wish he would stop saying things like this. I wish he wouldn’t fill me with hope if there is no hope because I can’t hang onto a hope that isn’t there. I can’t live hanging onto a hope that maybe we’ll work things out, maybe we can be together again, maybe he’ll forgive me and we’ll live happily ever after. I can’t do that. I need to know what I’m working toward.
“It means what it means, Rach. It means that I still love you no matter how angry I am with you. It means that when I see you, it’s everything I have in me not to take you back into my arms. It means that we have a kid, and no matter what has happened between us, we’ll always share that.” J.R. sighs. “I love you, Rachel, and you still love me. I think that’s worth something.”
21
J.R. is less than thrilled to see that Kelley made the trip with Knox and me. But she offered to help us move our stuff back to the island, and who was I to argue?
