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He stands on the front porch with his hands in his pockets and an unenthusiastic look on his face. His expression changes, of course, when Knox goes skipping over to him. J.R. squats down, opens his arms, and takes Knox Rose into a big embrace.
I smile as I pull some things from my trunk, with Kelley helping me, too.
“Well, he’s obviously not thrilled to see me,” she mumbles.
“Or me,” I add.
“Maybe you two will work things out, and then he’ll like me again.”
I shrug. “I’m not so sure. I think I’m just here as part of the Knox Rose package.”
J.R. meets us at the car to help. “Kelley,” he says, greeting her flatly.
“J.R.,” she says, echoing his tone.
“All of this?” J.R. looks into my trunk, slammed full of boxes and bags.
“Yep, and there’s more in Kelley’s car.”
J.R.’s eyes sort of go wide at the sight of all of our stuff, but he doesn’t complain. He steps in and helps us out.
We quietly move everything into the house. No one speaks, and I wonder if the tension will remain this thick. How long can I handle it? If it sticks around, maybe I’ll find myself a small condo on the island. Knox can stay here with J.R, although the thought of that makes me sick.
Kelley helps me unpack a few things before she decides it’s time for her to leave. I follow her out and give her a hug before she steps into her car. I don’t want her to leave. She’s the only human capable of keeping me sane, and we’ve been through so much over the last few years. I’m not sure I can live without her.
“You gonna be okay?” she asks me.
“I’ll be fine,” I lie.
“I’m just a phone call away.”
“I know.” I smile. “You’ll come visit, too. I don’t care what J.R. says.”
“The road works both ways.”
I nod. “Drive safe. Call me when you get home.”
She waves her hand at me, and then I watch as she backs out of the driveway, soon out of sight.
“I made us dinner,” J.R. says as I walk back inside. “Actually, A.J.'s made us dinner, but I ordered our favorites.” He smiles at Knox and me, like this entire situation is normal. It’s not normal.
The sun is setting now, and I just want to take a hot shower and go to bed. I have an air mattress in the music room for the time-being, and I just want to disappear away from him. It hurts to see him.
“Go ahead and eat. I’m not hungry,” I say. “I think I’ll shower.”
Knox and J.R. look at me with identical expressions on their faces. I determine that I am definitely the odd man out, and I’m not even sure they’ll miss me if I just disappear.
“Rach,” J.R. says.
“I’m just tired,” I assure him. “I’ll be fine. Carry on without me.” I wave my hand at them and then travel down the hallway to the bathroom.
I miss my home, and even though I’ve spent the last few years away from J.R., I wish I was far away from this place. I cover my face with my hands, and I cry silently into them. I feel distant, lonely, and depressed. I don’t know how this situation is going to play out, and I’m not even sure I’ll make it. I am determined to do my best. I’ll cry. Right now. Just this once, and then I won’t cry again.
***
Living back on the island is a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. J.R. and I hardly had enough time to get Knox registered for school before it began, and I miss Kelley. I never realized how much I took advantage of our relationship or how close we had become. I miss my little apartment in the Upstate, too—right down to the way the floors creaked beneath my feet when I walked down the hall.
J.R. and I haven’t talked much. We actually don’t talk at all, but what is there to say? We do keep it cordial, though, for Knox. I feel like an outsider, and a part of me feels like I’m not wanted here. I’m not surprised, though. I knew it would be hard living here with the man I broke but whom I love entirely too deeply.
