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“Well, take it from me, you can’t go back. You can always start over, though. We can’t change our choices, but we can start over.”
“Maybe you’re right,” Roger says. “I’m sorry, Rachel, for asking those questions. He loves you and that kid. I…I would hate for him to lose you again. Marriage isn’t easy. Some days, you’ll wish you were dead.”
I laugh softly. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Suddenly, J.R.’s voice fills the room, and he’s here in the kitchen with us. “Everything okay in here?”
I startle. I didn’t even hear them come in.
“Fine. Everything is fine,” I say with a smile.
Roger looks at me. “I think I want to talk to my son.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Do you have the rest of this mess okay?”
“Yeah, go ahead.” There’s not much left to clean up, and part of me is relieved. I need a moment to myself. However, I’m sure he’s going to deliver the news that he just gave me to J.R. It means so much to J.R. to have his dad back. I can’t imagine how he will feel to find out he’s losing him again.
J.R. glances at me briefly as if to see if I’m okay before heading out the front door with his dad.
I go back to my dishes, and from down the hall, I hear the piano playing. Knox must be showing off her piano skills. J.R. has been teaching Knox his ways, and although she was good before, he has made her better. She’s like a child version of Jerry Lee Lewis.
Later, after Ellie and Roger are gone, J.R. is tucking Knox into bed. And though it turned out to be a great day, I’m happy to collapse on the couch in my sweatpants and breathe again.
I lay on the couch, running my hands over my stomach, and I’m feeling fatigued. Today was a big day—emotionally and physically. I close my eyes; my mind replays the events of the day, and I listen to myself inhale and exhale.
“Hey.” J.R.’s voice comes from around the corner, and then he collapses on the other end of the couch, our legs side by side.
“Hey,” I say, trying to hide the fact that he startled me. “Knox okay?”
“She’s fine. Exhausted.”
“How are you?” I ask him.
J.R. looks at me gently. His eyes are solemn, and I know what he’s about to say. “I don’t know. Apparently, my dad is dying.” He knows I know. I’m sure Roger told him, and I can’t discount the way he looked when he and Roger came back into the house after their conversation earlier.
I look at him tenderly. “I’m so sorry, J.R.”
He doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure what to say either, so I just rest my hand on his leg.
We lay there quietly. We’re looking at each other, but no words pass between us. I push myself up, and then I crawl on top of him, laying my head against his chest. His arms come around me and lock over my back. He sighs and then kisses the top of head.
“I love you, J.R.,” I whisper.
“I love you.”
I feel my eyes grow heavy as I listen to the rhythm of his heart beating against his chest. I feel him kiss me again, and I smile softly against his shirt.What a day, I think as the full weight of exhaustion takes over. I feel myself relax completely into him, and I think I’ll be asleep soon.
I wake up in our bed. J.R. is across the room, sliding a hoodie over his head. It’s six a.m., and I realize that it’s time for him to leave again. So much has happened, I forgot that he wasn’t home to stay. I sit up, and he looks at me.
“Go back to sleep, Rach,” he whispers.
“Not a chance. You can’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“I don’t want to go.” He moves toward me.
“I know you don’t; but it’s your job, and you do love it.”
“I love you,” he says with a smile.
“It’s just a few more weeks. And then everything can go back to normal. Until your next tour.”
