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“Optimism.”
J.R. sits next to me. He kisses my belly, whispers something that I can’t hear, and then looks at me. “I want to get married when I come home. We’ll elope or whatever, but that’s what I want to do. Be thinking about it while I’m gone.”
“A Christmas wedding?” I ask a little surprised.
“Why not?”
I shrug. “I guess it could work. At least, we’ll never forget our anniversary.”
“Exactly.”
I laugh at him. “Okay. A Christmas wedding.”
He smiles gently. “I have to go.” His voice is soft.
“I know.” I wrap my arms around him, and I hold him close to me for a few seconds. There’s one more kiss, and then he’s gone.
35
I’m getting married today. It’s something I feel like I’ve waited entirely too long for, and yet now, I’m not sure I’m ready. Nothing will change, I tell myself. I think J.R. and I have been married since that night at the Handlebar so many years ago. We’ll just be official now.
Though J.R. has been gone for the last few weeks, we’ve planned this day over the phone. We’re getting married here at our house on the boardwalk, which I find symbolic. Wasn’t the boardwalk where I found him again less than six months ago?
Kelley and Adam are here—and Kelley's parents, too—and J.R.’s parents are set to arrive soon. The pastor will be here at noon, and I will walk down the boardwalk at 12:30. It was only slightly sad to not have anyone of my own family here today. Aunt Sue was my last remaining relative, and now she’s gone.
The thing about December in Georgia is that it will either be relentlessly cold or like a second summer. Today, the sky is blue; the sun is high; and the air is warm. I’m thankful.
Kelley, Knox, and I went shopping days ago for our dresses. After hours of searching, experiencing a period of extreme hunger and then exhaustion, we finally settled on emerald green dresses for them. I couldn’t go for a traditional white dress. I’m anything but pure. I found a cream dress with lace across the chest instead. It’s beautiful, long, and simple. It’s me.
Now, Kelley glides makeup over my face. I sit in a chair with my eyes closed, as she does her very best to make me look presentable. We sit quietly. She breathes softly, and I feel a soft sponge move across my cheeks. She applies eye makeup and then gloss across my lips.
“All done. Take a look,” she says, spinning the chair around to face my vanity’s mirror.
I open my eyes, and for a moment, I don’t recognize myself. My dark hair hangs past my shoulders. It’s got volume, falls in a slight curl down my back, and looks silky smooth. I reach up to touch my hair just to make sure it’s real. My face doesn’t look like my own either. My cheekbones are highlighted; my eyes have what the magazines call the “smoky look”, and although I am very pleased with the way I look right now, I hope J.R. doesn’t expect to ever see me in makeup like this again. I could never duplicate this look, and I’m not sure I’d want to. I’ve been sitting in this chair for an hour, and my back hurts.
However, I look beautiful, and that’s something I’ve never considered myself to be.
“Don’t cry,” Kelley says. “You’ll mess up your makeup.” She smiles behind me. “You clean up nice.”
I laugh, remembering she said those exact words to me the night we went out for my twenty-first birthday. “Thank you.”
I turn to face her. She’s beautiful, too. Her blonde hair is pinned back, her blue eyes are highlighted by her eye makeup, and her cheeks are pink with the perfect amount of blush.
“I can’t believe this day is finally here.” I see a smile break across Kelley’s face. “Thank God,” she jokes with a heavy sigh.
I laugh, standing. I reach to hug my friend, but I catch a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror across the room. The dress I’m wearing hugs me tightly, outlining all of me, every curve—even my pregnant stomach, which seems to add to my silhouette like a piece of artwork. I’m surprised at myself as I gaze into the mirror. I’m not sure why. Maybe I’ve never envisioned myself like this. All made-up. Although, I never intend on looking like this again, I think I’ll enjoy it for today. Today is special.
Knox emerges from her room, meeting me in the hallway, ready to do her part in this wedding day event. I smile at how beautiful she is in her dress. Her dark hair flows like mine past her shoulders, and she beams up at me with a wide smile and bright blue eyes.
“Aren’t you the prettiest thing I have ever seen,” I tell her.
Knox smiles proudly, and then says, “You look beautiful, Mama.”
I smile and reach for her hand. “Ready to walk me down the aisle?”
“Ready.” Knox takes my hand, and then Kelley gives us one more look-over before it’s time to step out of the house to the boardwalk.
I step out first, and then Knox. The warm air hits my skin, and a soft sea breeze passes through my hair. I’m surprised to find a photographer, snapping pictures as we walk further out. I don’t recall hiring a photographer, and I know J.R. didn’t think about it either.
