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“I want to know everything,” I say, hiccuping as I speak, but at least I‘m not crying as badly anymore. “I’ve heard bits and pieces in your mind—”
“Fucking Ryes,” he mutters, shaking his head in disgust.
“Ryes is actually on your side,” I say, and surprise fills me from his side of the bond. “But I won’t get into that yet. This is about you and I, E. You and I.”
“Okay.” He bites his lower lip, and my eyes lock in on the nervous movement. He sighs before giving me a tense smile. “Can you come take a seat first, princess? I hate seeing you struggle this way, and if I can’t comfort you… at least then I’ll know you’re comfortable.”
I sigh, hating how sweet he’s being despite everything else. He grabs a blanket from the bottom of my bed, and as I stumble over to him, he wraps it around my shoulders before guiding me to sit at the head of my bed.
He passes me a pillow and a box of tissues before sitting at the very end, making sure to keep some solid distance between us. I wipe my glasses and eyes with the tissues before getting settled properly.
He doesn’t touch me, not crossing the boundaries that I put into place, but still somehow makes me feel comfortable and safe.
I hate that more than I appreciate it right now.
“Where do you want me to begin?” he asks.
I facepalm, causing him to grumble. “The beginning, Etrix, obviously.”
“Sassy,” he teases, but the joke falls flat. “So, I joined the High Order, as was expected of me, when I was younger. Just like Eirik and the rest of the goon squad, I applied to be in the Black Coats.”
“That’s the more dangerous position, right?” I ask, and he nods.
“The plan was for me to be on their squad,” he continues, his voice sounding distant, clinical, even. It’s like he’s reciting words from a textbook rather than sharing his memories, and it breaks my heart. “But then I found out I wasn’t going to be the next heir, and my dad became an even bigger colossal prick.”
“I’m sorry, E. I know how badly that hurt you.”
Literally, too. The imprint on his soul was profound, flaring up whenever King Farglory has been mentioned, and even trying the crown on a few weeks ago, finding out that it lit up for him, too, hasn’t healed it enough.
I sniffle, wiping my eyes with a tissue. He meets my eyes, a watery shine over his, and gives me a straight-line smile. It’s not enough to settle the pain within me, the echoes I feel from his pain, but it helps a little bit.
“It’s not your fault, princess,” he says gently.I hate that he’s comforting me, when he’s the one hurting.“And you helped heal me of a lot of the pain that night.”
“I’m glad it helped.”Even if it didn’t erase the years worth of heartache.
He reaches for me, offering out one hand, but I don’t move from my comfortable spot amongst the pillows. He sighs before dropping his hands to his lap. His shoulders droop, as does his lips, but I refuse to let it sway me.
I need the distance to keep a calm head, and to be able to listen to what he says properly.
“I blew up,” he says, and this time, I sense the shame in his words. It’s a small little mark on his soul that I wish I could remove. “I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I lost it. It wasn’t that I wasn’t going to be the next King, that kind of life wasn’t one I wanted in the first place.”
“Then what was it?”
“Finding out that I was nothing… it caused a divide between Eirik and I,” he says, and his breath catches just a little. “I was always the bastard, and treated a little different because of it, but Eirik never really cared about that. He hated Aria, and even as a young boy, he never blamed me for his mum’s death. We were brothers, we share the same blood, and that is that.”
I smile, knowing that in Eirik’s mind, that’s exactly how it is. They share the same blood, they’re brothers.
“Finding out that he was the one to inherit the throne wasn’t a surprise,” Etrix says quietly. “He’s perfect for the role, but that day? Everything changed. I was no longer the spare, no longer worthy of even being acknowledged. From that day forward, my dad made it absolutely clear that I was fucking useless.”
“Etrix,” I whisper, reaching for him, but this time, he’s the one who doesn’t move to accept my comfort. I don’t push it, knowing he needs to get this off his chest, but it’s gut-wrenching.
“I went on a bender,” Etrix says. His misery surrounds him, his aura a dark blue, and his face is a furious inferno, waiting to unleash. But he won’t because he did that back then.
I hate that I’m putting him back into this horrible headspace, bringing up old memories, but it’s something I need to know.
A relationship with trust can’t be built on lies, and it’s clear he understands that.
“I caused as much trouble as possible for my dad, and honestly, for Eirik, too,” he says, shame flaring once again. “Eventually, I ended up being recruited by the revolution. The rebels… they became people who wanted the same thing I did. People I could trust to help execute my vision.”
