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“What was said that was so distracting?”
She just gave her head a shake, not wanting to bring up subjects that would upset him, and she suspected this would. “It’s nothing.”
“Let me guess. It was about me?”
“How did you know?”
“Because every time they’re with you, they bring up some aspect of my childhood, and what I went through, and what I’ve suffered.” He grimaced and rose. “But I’m thirty-seven. I’m a man and I don’t need their pity.”
“I think its sympathy, not pity,” she said. “They just want what’s best for you.”
He stepped out of the small bathroom, his shoulder pressed to the doorframe. “Which makes me think it was one of three topics. My father, my mother, or, my wife.” He frowned, thought for a moment. “Or, it could have been about Elizabeth. They’ve had a hard time letting her go.”
Cara looked down at her hands, uneasy.
“You can tell me,” he said. “I won’t be upset with them. I know them too well to get upset about their endless gossip.”
She looked up at him. “I think it’s more speculation than gossip. I don’t think they mean to cause harm.”
“But something was said that upset you.”
She glanced past him, past the corridor with its framed sketches of the house over the years. There was so much history here. So much weight to it. No wonder Alec could be grim.
“It was about Elizabeth,” she said. “Elizabeth had just called Emma to wish her a merry Christmas, and Emma had to share with Dorothy, and then it became a whole thing.” Cara looked up at him. “They said if you weren’t still grieving, you would have married Elizabeth.”
“Which isn’t true, as I already told you,” he said.
“I know, and that’s what I was telling myself when I cut myself.”
He sighed. “Elizabeth is a wonderful woman. She is the daughter of an earl, raised in a home similar to mine. She had gone to the best of schools, raised by accomplished parents to be successful, raised to move in the upper echelon of society. If I’d loved her, she would have been a great wife. That’s not to say that I didn’t care for her, as I did. But in the end, my feelings weren’t strong enough for me to propose.”
“Emma said Elizabeth was shattered when you ended the relationship.”
He rubbed his eyes. “She took it very hard, yes.”
“She thought you would be getting married.”
“I think everyone anticipated an engagement announcement, but when questioned by her father, why had I not made the relationship official, I realized that my affection for her was genuine, but it wasn’t the same kind of love I’d felt for Madeleine. I needed Madeleine in my life. I needed her with me. I never felt that way about Elizabeth. I never longed to see her.I never felt an ache when she was away. And it would be wrong to continue in a relationship, to let her hope for something that I now understood would never happen.”
“Your aunt Emma is afraid you’ll never marry.”
He nodded, straightened. “I’d rather never marry than marry the wrong person. I know what love feels like. I know what love means.”
“But you have to marry, don’t you? You need heirs.”
“Elizabeth said the same thing. That was her primary argument. I needed to marry, children were essential, and she felt the pressure of time. With every birthday she felt increasing anxiety over her age, over her fertility. Until our big breakup, she’d never come out and said it so bluntly, but there had been small, frequent references, mentions of her friends getting married, having children, and then there were the weddings and christenings they went to. My friends. Her friends. And everyone would say to them, ‘Well, you must be next. When is your turn? When are you going to pop the question?’”
“You didn’t like it,” Cara said quietly.
“Hated it,” he said, jaw jutting ever so slightly. “Elizabeth didn’t mind, though. She would blush and look down, or glance at me with a half smile, and it was after one such weekend, and another long wedding, one of those destination weddings, where you’re trapped with the wedding party for days, that I realized I couldn’t continue with her. I couldn’t give her what she wanted. I waited until we were back in London to talk. Elizabeth was shocked. I’d caught her off guard and it was a terrible conversation, but I knew in my heart it was the right decision.”
“You never regretted letting her go?”
Alec shook his head. “No.”
“Have you been serious with anyone since?”
He shook his head again. “Haven’t dated since then. I haven’t wanted the complications, haven’t wanted to lead anyone on, and haven’t wanted the guilt, either.”
