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Chapter Thirteen
I called the Reserves office to confirm their message from the Chief, and then I drank just enough to not feel my toes and still feel in control of my surroundings. The walk home in the middle of the night was difficult but nothing compared to what I needed to tell Lizzie. I didn’t know how I could face her after Callie’s news. I felt disgusting, like I’d known all along and was only now able to tell her. But the thing was, I didn’t know. I didn’t have a damn clue. I sealed the book of girlfriends-past the moment Lizzie touched me, and I’d signed off on knowing Callie the second Muffin and I caught her in bed with another dude. Except now, she’s pregnant.
I took my sweet-ass time toward the next step in my day, an emotional wreck as it was. My day started with Lizzie, brunch with her friends, and thinking of that made me feel…dirty. They were genuine people with no idea of the bombshell I was about to drop on Lizzie. It started to thunder, and I couldn’t pick up my pace. Why destroy my relationship any faster than necessary?
I unlocked the front door and stepped out of the rain, Muffin waiting for me near the foyer. His claws clicked as he waddled in my shadow, so I picked him up, not wanting to wake Lizzie or her cats. The condo was dark, quiet save for the hum of the oil diffuser in the living room. I stepped into the room, clicking off the machine, and shook my hands as though that would rid my anxiety. The same hands that just held Callie’s stomach. What the hell? Muffin snorted and burrowed into my chest while I fumbled in the hallway on my way to Lizzie’s room. I didn’t want to wake her, and I wasn’t a coward who would leave a letter for her to wake up to, but I knew I couldn’t crawl into bed with her…even though my body and mind craved it more than ever.
The light filtered in through the open window, just enough of the streetlight and moon to highlight every curve of her exposed skin. She slept in a shirt of mine, the loose sleeve pulled over her bare shoulder in sleep, folding over the curve of her hip and exposing the soft skin of her stomach and driving me crazy. I watched her for a moment, trying to blink myself to sobriety and erase Callie’s visit, but both were fact, and I needed to do something about it. Lizzie’s bedroom was too small for a crib, and now I felt too big for her world, too messy…too destructive.
I knelt at Lizzie’s bedside, inches from her face while Muffin huffed between us. I couldn’t believe how peaceful she looked, her curls wildly framing her perfect face like a halo and her eyelashes fluttering in sleep.
“I love you,” I whispered, leaning down to kiss her forehead while she slept. “I always will.”
“Love you,” she hummed in her sleep before adjusting her pillow and slipping further away into her dream.
I might be a dad. Lizzie wasn’t ready to be a step-mother; she only told me to move in because we thought I was leaving for a few weeks. Dammit, I have too much to tell her. And here we were…
I wandered through her condo, Muffin in tow, trying to be as quiet as I could while collecting his bag of food, tempted to sleep on the couch and wake up to Lizzie making coffee. I didn’t even remember what day it was; what good was I at telling Lizzie what happened?
I sat on her couch, staring at Muffin, who scrutinized me with his smooshed face. I could read those big brown eyes, and they were scolding me. And I needed to stop drinking, stop dating, and rewind in time to before I knew I was about to hurt Lizzie.
I needed to tell her. I told myself I would in the morning, after I’d slept off this stupor and grounded myself. I carried Muffin with me to the apartment we called home so seldomly since falling for Lizzie and passed out on the couch.
I don’t remember dreaming, but I do remember waking to the sun blinding me as it poured in through the window…and Lizzie calling my phone.
“You’re alive,” she scoffed when I answered the call, not even uttering a word.
“Liz—”
“I’m almost to your place. That’s where you are, right? Or are you still at work? You didn’t come home last night, and I was worried. Sorry. Is this too much?”
I sat up, pinching my forehead and regretting the beers. “It’s perfect, but Lizzie, I need to talk to you.”
“Great,” she giggled, “because I’m walking up your steps right now, mermaid.” I heard her footsteps on the creaking porch and front steps before the doorknob wiggled. In the five seconds it took to register Lizzie standing in my living room, I saw it all flash before my eyes. I was about to lose her, to lose the greatest person I’d ever loved, to lose it all.
She wore a long, sleeveless, black dress with the sort of light fabric that loosely cascaded around her, longingly clinging to the curves of her figure before stopping above her sandaled feet. I couldn’t take my eyes from her sparkling toenails, thinking about how they looked peeping out of bubbles in her tub or resting on my bare shoulders when we’d make love.
“What’s going on?” I watched her toes creep closer before Muffin waddled between us. “Aww, there’s our baby.” Lizzie knelt down, scooping up Muffin and scratching his ears. He grunted with pleasure and nestled into the crook of her arm. Our baby.Baby. “Don’t I get a kiss hello from my other guy?”
I snapped out of it, looking into her hopeful blue eyes, knowing mine narrowed beneath my furrowed brows. Taking Lizzie’s free hand into both of mine, I leaned forward and softly pressed my lips against hers. She tasted like strawberries, my favorite of her lip glosses, and I felt a piece of me break with each delicious lick of her flavor.
“Can you put down Muff?” I uttered, tightening my hands around hers, not speaking until she complied. “When I was at work last night, my ex stopped by.”
“Oh?” Lizzie tried to take her hand away, but I couldn’t let go. “The…the one who cheated on you…the one before…before me?” Dammit. I was making her self-conscious, and it was all about my errors, not hers.
I swallowed, crossing my arms with her hand in mine, trying to hold myself together for when she knew the truth. “She’s pregnant.”
“How do you know it’s yours?” she asked, her hand frozen between my arms. “She cheated on you. No, Noah. This isn’t happening. I’m going to just go outside and come back in and you’ll kiss me, and it’ll be a restart.”
“Lizzie,” I pleaded as she pulled away. I followed her to the door, my footsteps quick to close the painful gap between us. “Please wait.” Lizzie’s hand wrapped around the doorknob, but I pressed my foot against the door so she couldn’t open it. I was panicking, not even sure where I was.
“I love you, Noah, but this…” Lizzie shook her head, kicking my foot out of the way. “This is a child…with another woman.”
“You’re the only woman for me, Lizzie,” I cried, catching her stare. It was painful, beautifully tragic, and I was sickened by causing the tears that threatened her eyelids. “I don’t know what to do.”
I wished she had the answer, the one that would make it okay…for all of us. “Do you have feelings for her, Noah?” I wish she’d call me mermaid, not Noah.
“Strong ones. I despise her,” I admitted. Lizzie let go of the doorknob and turned to me, her eyes flicking between mine as if I had the answer we needed.
