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8
Pink and blue streamers spanned the ceiling in our mom’s living room. The woman who fainted when she learned Benji and Amelia had sex before getting married, suddenly transformed into someone who celebrated her youngest having a child with a man mom never met, out of wedlock, before she planned to move to another country. How our mom changed in just a few weeks boggled my mind, but I figured it was best not to probe or I’d somehow find myself at the top of her shit pile.
Sadie flew from the ottoman across from one of our aunts the second I stepped inside, her thin arms tangling around me. I hoped she couldn’t sense the fact I’d slept with her almost-brother-in-law two weeks ago.
“I’m so glad you came,” she whispered into my ear. “I was afraid I wouldn’t see you before going back.”
“London,” I muttered, returning her hug. It was an acknowledgment of her life, but also strangely mine, too. “Was it hard being apart on your anniversary?”
Her lips pursed while Sadie froze in thought. “Well,” she replied with a sigh, “it’s hard being apart from Matthew, period. I’m going back on Monday. Won’t it be so weird to plan the wedding with an ocean between us?”
“I bet his family will figure it all out for you,” I offered, dropping my coat on the pile of wool, fur, and parkas from the shower guests. “But you still have time to plan it, Sadie.”
She squeezed my shoulders when I started walking into the living room, yanking me back. “No, Mia. It has to happen before I show. I can’t look pregnant at my wedding.”
Glancing around at the streamers, balloons, the overwhelming pile of presents that I assumed would be more expensive to ship back with Sadie than were she to buy them herself in London, and returned my confused gaze to my sister. “Your pregnancy isn’t a secret,” I reminded her.
“I know, but I found a dress that just won’t look right otherwise, and Matty and I picked a date and found the perfect spot. Did I tell you Rhys is going to be the photographer and the best man?” I limply shook my head, barely listening to Sadie as she described the wedding they scheduled for mid-March.
The pieces I picked up, as she followed me past the guests and into mom’s kitchen, sounded exactly like Sadie. Flashy place, enormous crowd, expensive.
I gave quiet thanks to mom for brewing coffee and poured a steaming cup into a mug, swallowing it in two gulps as Sadie detailed the wedding. I’d missed so much of this by separating myself, by trying not to care as much. Part of me felt guilty, but I made a vow in the new year to let that go. As hard as it would be.
“Mid-March,” I repeated when she took a breath. “That’s not too far away.” Doing a quick count in my head, I considered mid-terms and spring break, and the fact I’d see Rhys in less than two months.
The restless butterflies that taunted me while I sat on the park bench weeks ago returned, but their wings were different; slower, wider, more confident. Thinking of Rhys, of seeing him and being near him, was a slippery slope. He’d given me the gift of time and friendship, and we established boundaries, so the fact we were both in control of whatever our friendship was should’ve settled my nerves. Instead, I was daydreaming about our night together while Sadie rambled on about Matthew.
Still in a haze, I let Sadie guide me out of the kitchen and into the living room, almost tumbling over her when my feet adhered to the hardwood. The coffee mug rattled against its saucer as I struggled to steady my trembling hands.
“Why is Anne here?” My question came in a breath so quiet I wasn’t sure Sadie heard me. She nudged my arm and shrugged, taking the cup and saucer from my unsteady grasp.
“Mom invited everyone. Even Amelia’s mom is here,” Sadie replied. “What’s the big deal?”
Not sure if my heart broke because Caleb’s mom was there, or because my sister didn’t understand the emotional magnitude of mom’s decision to invite Anne, I couldn’t answer Sadie. I turned to watch Sadie. Her gaze widened as someone announced it was time to open gifts, and I held my breath. I had to, or I’d scream… Or cry. Sadie skipped away from me to join everyone in the living room, where the sound of crumpling wrapping and tissue papers mixed with a chorus of celebration.
Our mom sat next to Sadie, tracking every gift for personalized thank-you cards she’d send later on Sadie’s behalf, her eyes filled with happiness. Amelia reached for a small gold bag overflowing with sparkling tissue paper, passing it across a few laps to hand it to Sadie. I leaned against the doorframe, halfway in the kitchen and living room, halfway trying to hide, while Sadie greedily snatched the bag and pulled out the paper.
“Who’s this one from?” Mom asked, preparing her pen. I watched Sadie, her red lips parting when she closed the card, almost swooning as she handed it to mom.
“Rhys,” she answered, looking at everyone. “My fiancé’s brother, and the baby’s godfather.”
It was startling how the sound of his name stopped the rattle in my hands, making things feel calm for just a moment. The idea of him was a secret that I kept from everyone in that room, and maybe that quiet empowerment was what I needed to share space with Caleb’s mom, the whole baby shower, and everyone else inside.
I watched Sadie cry while she studied the necklace Rhys sent her, Sadie’s thin fingers twisting two intertwined diamond circles. Mom reached up to wipe away Sadie’s tears before they both erupted into conversation about Matthew and Rhys, people mom never officially met but was now describing as angels from heaven.
Rolling my eyes, I turned back into the kitchen and started loading mom’s dishwasher. I needed to keep my hands busy, so I didn’t text Rhys… At least not for a few days.
Returning to work the following Monday was bittersweet. Torn between missing winter break and replaying every detail I could recall from the time I’d spent with my new best friend, I struggled to focus. Spending an afternoon with Caleb’s mom at Sadie’s shower, pretending I wasn’t avoiding her in my childhood bedroom or when cleaning my mom’s kitchen, left me a little rattled, too.
Clicking off the copy machine, I turned to the counter and sorted fifty copies of one syllabus. I’d finished typing and printing for three classes, apologizing to each tree sadly judging me from the windows as I passed between the department office and the copy room. My heels clicked lightly against the aging wood floor, sending me higher with each bouncing step. In a twisted way, everything seemed buoyant with Sadie back in London and life returning to routine in New York. I appreciated Benji taking Sadie to the airport so I could get back to work, and also avoid the sobbing mess she’d become between bouts of telling me how perfect Matthew was at everything.
“Professor Valentino!”
Pausing mid step, I turned to see the history department leader poking his head out from the safety of his office doorway.
“I’m glad I caught you! I see you haven’t made it to your office yet,” he acknowledged my scarf and coat, “so before you do, I need to inform you of some minor changes that were made over break.”
“Sir?” Waiting for him to meet me in the hallway was painful, almost too long and quiet.
