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She wanted to, no, needed to, forget about Ava. This was her chance. She needed to show that she was straight. Whatever it took. She needed to give Adam all of her. Whatever he wanted.
Her wants didn’t matter. Those things had lead her to this, to feeling miserable and cutting herself. It was time to grow up. Time to sort her life out and move away from the one thing she craved more than anything.
She needed to put the blade down. She repeated that to herself, again and again, until it was placed on the sink. Her need for punishment wasn’t there anymore. No, her need tocutherself wasn’t there.
It would be rough, really rough, but as she picked up the lip balm and looked into the lid for the final time, she told herself this was the road that would eventually lead her to happiness. She stared at the four handwritten words, written by Ava as a response to Jasmine saying she didn’t love her, and said goodbye as the balm tumbled into the bin.
I don’t believe you.
Ava exhaled her doubts and fears, inhaled her confidence. She sat on the toilet of the locker room, having not touched the protein meal she had been given a few hours earlier. Her locker room was actually a spare room with stacked plastic chairs. It wasn’t an arena that she was in, it was an RSL club. She was a mid-card debut bout with about fifty people in attendance. Her padded hands came together just before wiping at her sweat riddled forehead. Strangely, in this room with the door closed, she could almost block out the sound of the crowd outside. Almost.
“I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense...”
She stood up and rolled her fists and neck, readying herself for her biggest opportunity to do something she had always dreamed. Fight. All the pain and sweat had been for this one moment. This one shot. Now she would see what she was made of.
“I’m going to put a stop to this freak show once and for all, young lady!”
She went out into the hallway and looked up as the building shook from a huge cheer. The second to last match had just ended. Any minute now, she would be asked to make her way to the entrance and get ready for her walk out along the ramp. All the times she had whispered to herself to calm down and she still had to tell herself yet again as she took a knee and bowed her head.
She nodded in acknowledgment of the official that had come over to tell her what she already knew: it was time. Ava followed the official but had to excuse herself and go back. She walked into the room and focused on the stained wooden bench, in the middle of the room, where her mouth guard lay. She had forgotten to pick up the most important piece of equipment she owned. “Jesus girl, get a grip,” she whispered to herself as she turned to march back out to face her destiny. “What is wrong with you? Get your head in the fucking game.”
“You’re a disgrace to this family...”
A knock on the door, and Ruben popped his head around. “You OK, babes?”
Ava nodded. “I’m ready.”I think.
Both Ruben and the official walked her to the black dusty curtains, beyond which lay the boxing ring. It was still an MMA bout, but a Cage wouldn’t fit in the auditorium. Chris joined them with a bucket of ice and several towels.
“Last chance to back out,” Chris said, half-jokingly.
Ava held a breath, afraid she might vomit. “No way.”
A whistle sounded, Ava’s cue to make her way down. She parted the curtains and walked out, the boys behind her. She kept her eyes on the ring, trying not to focus on the crowd she moved through.
“Fuck. Nice tits, babe.”
“Wrong night, sweetheart. Lingerie models are on tomorrow night!”
“Hope she kicks your cunt in!”
“Go, blondie!”
Ava stepped through the ropes and busied herself warming up in the ring. Ruben turned her around to face him as the whistle sounded again and her opponent made her way down.
“You don’t look at her. You look at me,” Ruben said, a hand on her shoulder. “It’s her first fight too. You’re both scared. That’s a good thing. But forget about her. She doesn’t matter. Forget about the crowd. Forget about your past and what led you here. Focus on the one thing you can control. You. You wanted this. This is where you belong, right?”
Ava nodded.
“Now show me why.”
Chris gave her a light kiss on her hairline and a tap on the hip before he and Ruben stepped out of the ring. “Go get her, babes.”
She was suddenly face to face with her opponent. She didn’t even know her name, and there were no introductions. No announcers. Just a referee.
Waiting for that final whistle, her fear disappeared. Ruben’s words repeated in her mind. Who her opponent was didn’t matter. She was a means to an end. An obstacle to overcome. Ava bounced on her feet, keeping eye contact. Adrenaline coursing through her. “You’re standing in the path of a freight train,” she said under her breath, the sound subdued even more by the mouthguard, as the whistle sounded.
Ava exploded from her corner, almost running at the girl. The brief second of shock was all Ava needed, unleashing left and rights to her opponent’s head as the girl backed up into her corner, desperately covering her face.
