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“You gave me quite a fright! I thought you were unwell!” Judith said with a shake of her head and a relieved smile.
Lady Fenice frowned.
“That silly serving wench! I told her to say I wanted to see you when you could spare the time, but she’s obviously misunderstood.”
“No harm done,” Judith said in sheer relief. “I’m glad you’re well.”
Lady Fenice beckoned her.
“Since you’re here, could you fetch me a half of spoon of sugar? My stomach feels rather poorly this morn, and you now hold the key to the spice chest.”
Judith nodded, because indeed she now held that key, as well as several other keys in their household, chained on her belt. In the past months, her mother’s health had worsened and she’d delegated upon her daughter the tasks which had been once hers. Besides, Dame Berthe now seemed quite adamant Judith should learn her chatelaine duties, saying they’d been too long postponed. Judith was glad of these lessons, but her days had become increasingly busy, because she now also had to fulfil duties which other times had fallen upon her father. Sir Roderick and their steward helped, yet there were things which needed a lady’s or a lord’s attention, including settling disputes in the villages under their care. Judith knew she had a full day ahead of her, although, in truth, she would have loved to idle about and spend it showing Redmore to Tristram. She reasoned she should do so, no matter how busy she was. At this time, she raced down the stairs to the kitchens, to fetch the sugar her mother had asked for. Sugar was a dear spice, and her mother had always impressed upon her the spices in this house should be dispensed only by the lady of the house.
It was upon her return, when her hand was already on the doorknob of the solar, that she heard worried voices.
“Did you hear something? Is it Judith?” Dame Bethe’s loud voice asked.
“No… Not yet… Quick, I’ve something to ask you before she gets back,” her mother’s hasty voice cut in.
Judith frowned, and was flustered. She wanted to leave, because it was not like her to listen upon doors, but the distress in her mother’s voice made her pause.
“How does this husband of hers look upon her?” Lady Fenice asked. Her voice was loud and it seeped with worry.
Dame Berthe laughed. “Didn’t you see for yourself? He has eyes only for her. I am so glad. And such a handsome, well-spoken man! Our Judith has made a lucky match for sure.”
“I do not know. You see, I’ve had word from my sister. She was at Court while he was there. It seems…”
Here Judith heard her mother sigh.
“From what my sister tells me, he’s dallied with quite a lot of women during the past year – commoners... Noble ladies too. I fear it was not pressing business which kept him away from my daughter, but other things.”
“You do not say!” Dame Berthe exclaimed in chagrin. Yet after a short while she added, “He is young and handsome and they were apart for too long. You know as well as I that many men don’t keep faith with their wives when they are not with them! But now he is with Judith. And by the way he’s been looking at her, I do not think he’ll stray if Judith gives him what he craves. A man who is well-pleased is less bound to stray, as you know.”
“Still, I fear he will, and you know Judith. She’s kind and gentle and caring! Her heart’s too tender, and I fear he’ll break it. She cares for him already far too much, didn’t you see?”
“Then you mustn’t tell her any of this!” Dame Berthe suddenly spoke and her voice sounded sharp. “What good would it do her to know of it? If it is true he’s already strayed, then she can do nothing about it now. What’s done is done. And if he treats her right and kindly, why does it even matter if he strays from time to time? Men do sometimes. I’m quite certain mine did a couple of times or so, but I never sought to learn the truth of it. He was away on long trips then, so I’ve never thought to hold that against him.”
“Yet Judith is different from you and so tender! What if she learns of it? What if it breaks her heart?”
Judith had heard enough. She rushed down the stairs, biting her lip hard until she tasted blood. And she ran hard – so hard she didn’t even have time to perceive when she was out of the bailey. She paused only when she reached the moat bridge, to catch her laboured breath. Tears already seemed to choke her, but she kept them at bay and tried to reason. It was not as if she’d expected Tristram to keep faith with her when he’d not even coupled with her. And they’d been apart for more than a year. She must strive to understand this and forgive his transgressions as a good wife should. Just as Dame Berthe had said, this didn’t mean he would stray from now on, as long as they were together and shared the bed.
Pulling her shoulders back, she retraced her steps, telling herself she had no right to be angry with her husband. Yet that deep pain in her heart simply wouldn’t go away, as if something had crushed it with a hammer and shattered it into a thousand splinters. She tried to dismiss it, berating herself, knowing Tristram was not truly the one at fault in this.Shewas. Whenever she thought of him, she was mad with longing, as if she’d taken leave of her senses. And just as her mother had said, her heart was far too tender.
When at last she glanced upon Tristram, he seemed so immeasurably beautiful to her that she felt ready to forgive him every past or future transgression. And she understood in deep distress that this man would be able to do anything he willed with her because she already worshipped the ground he walked on. And she felt afraid of what lay in her heart.
“Oh, here you are! Perchance we may spend this day together, and you can get me acquainted with Redmore,” Tristram told her with his bewitching smile.
And Judith wanted to eagerly acquiesce to anything he wished. However, she ended up shaking her head, coming to understand her mother was right. She’d already surrendered her heart to Tristram. He had every power over it. And it would hurt a thousand times more than it had today if he chose to break it again.
“Perchance another day. I’ve pressing business,” she muttered, and her own voice sounded cold and strained to her ears.
She needed her time away from him to sort out how to deal with the strange power her husband now wielded over her entire life. Tristram’s handsome face held a brief flicker of disappointment, but he soon shrugged it away.
“Of course, I understand. I’m here to stay awhile. There’s plenty of time ahead.”
Judith nodded tersely, loath to look at him. Whenever she looked at Tristram, she felt ready to fall into his arms, so she restrained herself, thinking upon Redmore and upon her mother as things which would give her strength to look ahead.
Chapter 13
