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“Yet it was he who broke his wedding vows! While my mother was nothing but gentle and courteous to him and did her duty by him!”
But had it been so? Judith recalled the cold tones her mother always employed when she spoke to her husband, and the disdainful way with which she looked upon him. At the time, she’d thought her mother was entitled to her rancour. Still, Nell’s words seemed to hold a truth Judith was beginning to see she had failed to see before.
“Was it a mother’s duty to turn a child against her own father?” Nell said, as they paused at the foot of the hill.
Judith stared at her, white in the face.
“She never did that!”
Nell shook her head with a bitter smile.
“Edward was pained! He told me you’d started to run from him when you were a child, frightened at even the sound of his voice! At first he could not understand why the little girl he’d held so often before in his arms would become so fearful of him after a long trip he’d taken to London. At first he thought it was a childish fancy which would pass, but then he came to understand you would always shun him. Your mother had taught you to fear him!”
“It is not so! Father was…”
But what had her father been like? It was not as if she’d spent many moments in his company. He’d been a busy man, overseeing his estates and doing his duty by his liege, and she had on purpose avoided his company whenever he’d been at home, seeking her mother’s instead. And in those rare moments she’d been in his company, they’d spoken but little. Judith recalled how he had ordered her to marry Tristram, not caring for her own thoughts upon the matter.
“Your father loved you,” Nell Tyler told her, in her soothing voice. “Though perchance he didn’t know how to say it. He tried to do right by you. I remember how happy he was that time he came back from London. He spoke of the love match you were to have.”
“Love match?”
“Aye, love match! Isn’t that what you and Lord Tristram have in truth?”
Judith started shaking her head, deciding to tell Nell Tyler it was not for her to discuss her lady’s marriage. Yet Nell Tyler didn’t seem to care that Judith was her lady. And she spoke far too well for a woman of her station. Judith recalled how her mother had always told her commoners were beneath their lords, always to be pitied because they were unable to learn gentle, courteous ways. And she also recalled that her father seemed more at ease among commoners than among his peers. She remembered how well he was loved by his people, and that he’d always been fair to them. And she might not have known him well, but she knew for certain, if he’d been alive, he would have told her never to look down upon others just because of their station in life. It was a lesson she’d already learnt from him.
Judith returned her eyes upon Nell Tyler, who was one of the most astute women she’d ever set eyes upon. For so long, she’d thought her an evil woman who’d kept her father away from his lawful wife. But was it so?
“I beg forgiveness,” Nell said, having noticed the look of astonishment on Judith’s face. “I spoke out of turn. I couldn’t help it though. I recall how pleased Edward was he’d arranged the match for you. He told me your new husband was a man whom he’d already perceived you looked upon with great longing.”
“He had?” Judith muttered in puzzlement.
“Aye, and he was so happy Lord Tristram was the kind of man who could see you for what you were.”
“See me?”
“Those were the words Edward used. He knew you shared his shyness and that, because of it, others were sometimes slow to see how beautiful and clever you were. He had set a test for Sir Tristram, claiming at first he had but little dowry to bestow on you upon your marriage. Sir Tristram didn’t even care. And when your father asked him why it was he wished to marry you, Sir Tristram confessed he didn’t know how to say it in words, yet that he somehow understood it was the only thing he could think of doing. And Edward was not a man of many words, but he could recognize a man in love when he saw one.”
Judith tried hard to stop the turmoil which had begun to rage in her heart. Why had her father never tried to truly talk to her? And Tristram… It seemed impossible Tristram could have fallen in love with someone like her.
As if in echo of her thoughts, Nell Tyler said, “Your father could see your mother’s unhappiness. He felt sorry to be part of it, and knew that her lot, as a woman, was harder than his, in the loveless match they’d been both forced to make. Yet he could never bring himself to forgive her for this… in his own words, for teaching his child to fear the world, for making her believe she was in some way unworthy – unworthy of others’ love. I am sure he died a happy man thinking that by the match he’d arranged for you he would get to undo this harm.”
Why was this day so unlike any others? And why did all those things Judith had thought she knew seem suddenly other than what they were. For a while, she walked along with Nell Tyler, up the hill which, she’d recently come to learn, her father had also loved. Had it been he who’d brought her here first in her early childhood? Judith began to understand it must have been so. Even in her childhood, her mother rarely ventured out of the castle – a prisoner in a marriage to a man she couldn’t bring herself to love, and, unlike her father, unable to escape her prison. Was it why Judith had learnt so easily how to resent her father? Because she’d been able to perceive he’d set himself free from his loveless match, while her mother hadn’t ever been able to do so?
When they finally reached the top of the hill, Nell Tyler spoke of other things, those things which had prompted Judith to seek her out. She was knowledgeable in her craft and she spoke well, not thinking it blasphemous to advise Judith what to do in order to prevent conceiving a child.
“I shall prepare a pouch of herbs and a pessary for you if you do not wish to soon cradle children in your arms. And I shall school you on what days it is better to abstain from bedding, though, by the looks of your lord husband, it would be a hard thing to ever abstain,” Nell Tyler said with a wink and a smile.
“Why is it that you are so willing to help me?” Judith asked in sheer wonder, recalling she’d spurned this woman and had never even deigned to speak to her.
“You’re Edward’s daughter,” Nell Tyler said in her steady, soothing voice.
“Am I so like him? My mother always said…”
“You are like both your parents, and yet in some ways unlike them. All children are so. But I am certain you know this already, don’t you, my lady?” the midwife said as they looked upon the green hills.
Chapter 21
Tristram winced slightly as he pulled his tunic over his head. He’d come to the bedchamber to change his garments, seeking a time when Judith was not there. It was best he didn’t look upon her or share a chamber. Because if he did, he would be sorely tempted to let go of all his anger towards her and treat her gently. Yet she’d deceived him before, had broken his heart before, and he did not want his heart broken again by her.
