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“My heart… I do not feel well. Why are you saying such cruel, unfeeling things to make me ill? Accusing me of lying?”
Judith closed her eyes briefly, then called upon a servant to tend to Lady Fenice by giving her a restorative potion. She understood her mother genuinely believed herself ill in her body, although the illness resided only in her soul. It was an illness that had caused her to disregard her own daughter’s wishes or happiness. And Judith saw her mother still fervently believed she had been doing this for Judith’s welfare and protection. And for this, she’d stooped to lying and treachery.
“Forgive me, Mother,” she said, now striving to speak gently, perceiving her mother’s sickness was a powerful one and that Lady Fenice may never see the error of her ways. “I did not mean to make you ill.”
Lady Fenice nodded with a tremulous smile, now obediently drinking the potion the servant had handed her. It was in truth a restorative tea made of cat’s valerian which the physician had recommended. He’d told Judith it had no healing power, but just a mild calming effect. However, while she’d been told what it was, Lady Fenice was persuaded it was a good medicine for her ailing heart.
“Yet I did not tell you what Edith further said,” her mother went on, when it seemed she was feeling better.
Judith strived to keep her composure and to listen calmly to what her mother had to say.
“Edith spoke of Severborough Priory as a place of peace and tranquillity. A place of contemplation. With pleasant gardens, and a prioress of noble blood who’s mindful of those who are of high birth. Edith herself is content there, and she tells me of books and songs and even of other entertainments which can be had. There are several women of our station in that place of solace, who were forced to take the veil or reside there, like-minded souls who supported our queen’s cause. It got me thinking. As our own home seems lost to us forever, you and I could go to this place where we’d be free of men and their harsh ways!”
“Free? This is a convent, Mother! No matter what Aunt Edith says, convent life is bound by harsh rules!”
Her mother waved her hand. “I never told you, but at one time I thought to join a convent. Convent life seemed a far better prospect than being married to your father.”
“Was Father truly so harsh and unkind to you, Mother?” Judith couldn’t help asking now, hoping her mother would not become newly distressed by her question.
Lady Fenice shrugged, apparently unbothered by her daughter’s boldness.
“He was a man I could not ever care for, with his uncouth and savage ways. A fiend, just like your husband is, but in a different way. Your lord is clever and well-spoken, but underneath all this he’s only savage – just as savage and as fiendish as your father was.”
Her mother stared intently away from Judith, as if not seeing her, and enwrapped in thoughts of her own.
“So we shall leave as soon as can be, away from here! To the safe haven this convent is!” she said, with deep feeling.
“You’ll have me seek a convent?” Judith asked in full wonder.
“Certainly. It is the best thing for you, and you’ll come to see I’m right. At one time, when you were very young, I even spoke of it to your father, and he just bellowed at me in anger. I was wrong to bend to his will at the time. Marriage is not for you. I raised you to be gentle and caring.”
Judith simply stared at her mother, who was now completely wrapped up in her thoughts of keeping her daughter from the world outside. And she closed her eyes in sheer weariness, because she finally understood all she’d failed to see for all these years. Her mother did not truly see her. She never had. She only saw her own desires and plans of happiness, uncaring her daughter loved the man she’d married, uncaring of Judith’s own wishes and dreams, and thinking them misguided and unworthy. Yet, Judith also understood, in her own way, just like her father, her mother loved her and wanted what she thought best for her. It was only that her mother couldn’t ever understand that what she wanted wasn’t what was best for Judith.
“Redmore is the best place for me. And marriage is the best thing for me, Mother. I love my home. And I love Tristram. I’ve come to see that Tristram loves me. And from now on I shall strive to think myself worthy of his love. This is my home, and it cannot be otherwise!” she spoke the words gently, kissing her mother’s forehead.
Lady Fenice pushed her away, and tears of rage soon started to fall upon her cheeks.
“He’s turned you against me, the fiend! I can see now you believe the lies he’s weaved. Oh, Edith was right all along! She told me you might never wish to leave this place. YetIwill!”
Judith tried to plead with her mother, but it seemed that at this time the lady Fenice had become too distraught to speak, and Judith understood it was to no avail to attempt to reason with her. She left the solar, telling herself she would resume the talk and make her mother understand this place would always be better than a priory.
Chapter 22
Judith did not set eyes upon her husband for the rest of the day, yet she resolved her course was set. She had erred grievously towards him, and she now vowed to herself to seek his forgiveness and never to pass wrong judgement upon him again. Her grief over the hurt she’d caused was mixed with the joy she was loved in return. Tristram did love her, and this meant there was the shadow of a hope things could be mended between them, once she told him of her love and remorse.
Still, she simply stirred in pain to think of what Tristram had endured for her sake. Not only had he borne a painful, humiliating flogging which, she now fully understood, had been meant for her, he also had received the penance of the hair shirt she’d seen him wear this Friday. Judith now understood this penance must also be for her sake. And she started asking herself whether she should tell Tristram thatshewould gladly wear it from now on. Still – her whole being revolted against the thing when she sought it out in Tristram’s garment chest. In her eyes, it was an ugly, vicious thing which had tormented her Tristram, and no matter how guilty she felt towards her husband, this ugly thing had no place in their lives from now on.
Resolutely, with a servant’s help, she busied herself to kindle a fire in the hearth. The servant looked at her askance, because it was August, but he assisted his mistress with what was required of him. When she’d thanked and dismissed the servant, Judith simply proceeded to throw the penance shirt into the fire, her nostrils filling with the pungent smell of it as soon as it started to burn. She looked at it for a while in grim satisfaction, not stirring when she heard the door and footsteps behind her. When she turned, Tristram was staring at her with a hard expression on his beautiful face.
“I thought you were gone from the chamber,” he said tersely, and turned to leave.
“Wait!” Judith cried, pulling her shoulders back. “The penance shirt...”
Her words stopped Tristram in his tracks, but he didn’t turn to look at her.
“I burnt it,” Judith said striving to keep her voice level.
Tight-lipped and pale, Tristram returned to stare at the hearth and at the burnt remains of the instrument of his penance. When he turned to look upon Judith, his dark eyes were pitch-black against the white skin of his face.
