Page 32 of Deep in Winter


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Suddenly, his eyes slam into mine, making me jolt. “I know, but this is harder than I thought.”

“This is new for me too,” I admit. “Tell me what I can do to make it easier for you.”

He shakes his head. “Nothing. And that in itself is the problem.”

The silence builds as I wait for his confession.

“I didn’t mind sharing before. With you, it hurts.”

My chest caves at his words. All along, this is what he’s been trying to avoid by keeping his distance. And yet, his strategy has failed.

“I’m sorry.” I’m not sure how to ease his pain. I’d hate to see him with other women.Hateit.

“And I love Luca and Roo. They’re my brothers. I’d do anything for them. I didn’t think I’d have to rip out my heart for them though.”

My head drops to his shoulder. Does that mean he loves me? Or could? “Brecken,” I plead brokenly. “I don’t know how to help you. How to make this better.”

For a second, he’s lost to his thoughts. “It’s okay. I’m around much more than they are. I’ll get the lion’s share.”

His eyes crinkle a little, letting me know he’s not serious about that comment. It’s not meant to demean me, or be negative. He’s trying to find the humor. A way to accept this. Time permitting, I’m hoping we’ll find a way to ease around the unconventional dynamic of our relationship until it’s much more natural. Reflexive and instinctive. Luca and Reuben seem to have the hang of it, but Brecken’s struggling now, his emotions where I’m concerned more invested than with previous girls. And that knowledgethrillsme. Yet, out of the four of us, I’m the one with the most to get accustomed to. I’m the newbie.

“I’m not sure that’s going to help. This is a big adjustment for us all.” Maybe we need to pull back, to retreat a little. Maybe being fucked stupid was too much too soon.

“Maybe, but it’s true. I’ll get to see you more which will help. And if we have more nights like last night, I’ll feel more in control.”

Feeling the tension clouding him ease, a smile breaks free. “So to gain some control you need to lose control?”

Brecken mirrors my expression. And his smile has the air whooshing out of my lungs. It crushes my heart into smithereens with its beauty. “I didn’t know I could be so…God, last night, I was a lot.” He rakes a hand through his hair. “Did I go too far?”

“It was earth-shatteringly perfect. I look forward to more nights like it.” Leaning in, I kiss his mouth softly. “But the recovery will be longer, so we need to be wise about how much you want to possess me.”

Concern and guilt shadows his handsome face. He nods, his eyes dancing over my features. Then he palms my face, holding me gently. “Well, I’ve got you until we return tonight, or we can delay until Saturday so that you can visit the city. Either way, it means conversation, touching, and this.”

And then he captures my mouth in a blistering, toe-curling kiss.

The past weekhas seen me fly across the country to California, and up to Seattle as I familiarize myself with the most urgent projects on my schedule. Again, I was accompanied by Balthazar and one of his sons. Reuben warmed my bed in California, while Luca visited Seattle with me, both of them keen to avoid the disruption of the renovation works by their office. Reuben seemed to be on the phone to the crew several times a day, and Luca’s attention was on other things, notably the idea I had of opening up a tower to paying guests, the profits potentially going to charity.

Balthazar sees a lot of potential in the idea, and it occupies Luca. I got him for all of twenty minutes before he returned to his laptop, communicating with the hotel’s accountants and tax experts. The scale of the project is huge, and when I haven’t been touring the country, I’ve spent time with Reuben and Luca at the opposite end of the hotel, and in a different, unoccupied tower envisioning how it could work.

Immi and Jack are enormously supportive. Where possible, I use their insider knowledge, trying to avoid asking Luca a million more questions. He has enough to do. And when I’m not worrying about him, it’s Brecken who has my undivided attention. His tolerance of the situation has been on my mind. Not wishing to invade his privacy, I’ve not shared details about our first time together. If the brothers discuss the nitty-gritty details between themselves, then so be it, but I want to be discrete about how I spend my time with each of them. When, and if, we do combine our evenings, well, then that’s a different story.

Saturday is taken up with lots of errands, many of them beauty-related. I start off getting a wax, and then my hair cut, happy to return to my regular salons. It’s good to be back in Aspen, to visit familiar shops and businesses and feeling welcomed. But the joy is intertwined with trepidation, a slow building fear that I’m going to bump into someone from Wardorff-Messen.

Brecken and I have had a long talk about the next steps in my case against my ex. The panic attacks ended some time ago, but living through the stress of knowing that video existed, that people watched it, and paid to watch it, still haunts me when I least expect it.

It’s a long-running curse, one I try and forget about.

Still, I’m suing him, and the company in London. I guess we’ll see them in court unless they ask for some kind of agreement beforehand, which I’d prefer. Avoid courting means I don’t have to spend days and weeks in front of a judge. I just want this to go away, fast.

And after Levi turned up in Vail, pleading with me to drop the case, I did consider doing just that. At times I wonder if litigation is helping my recovery. But Brecken outlined why I should continue with the plans already in motion. And any compensation can be given to charities that help women in similar situations. I want nothing of his. Nothing but his defeat.

With my lunch date with The Moms fast approaching, I head towards one of the trendier restaurants that’s popular with the hip, moneyed crowd. They have a wide selection of vegan and plant-based foods, and after all the fine dining this week, I crave something simple and healthy.

Inside, I check on the reservation and then make my way to the restroom. I think my period just started.

There are only two stalls in the bathroom, but thankfully one is vacant. I hang my bag up on the back of the door, locating my supply of feminine hygiene products from the inside pocket. Just as I go to unbutton my jeans, something heavy lands on the floor in the neighboring stall and spills under the space that divides the cubicles.

“Oh crap!” a voice exclaims. There’s something vaguely familiar about it but I can’t put my finger on it.

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