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Thankfully the normal dinner time chatter took both the children’s and the men’s attention away from Em, and she was able to slip out to the kitchen and slap some cold water on her strained eyes and take the puffiness and redness out of them, before she returned.
At least, for once in her life, the hyperawareness she felt around these three men was pushed aside to make way for her own internal pain, and she didn’t need to worry about whether she was gazing at one or the other of them inappropriately.
Small wins. Today she’d take them all.
Chapter Four
THE NEXT WEEK PASSED far too quickly as far as Em was concerned.
She fitted in as much of the fun stuff as she possibly could in the little time she had left, but with a week to go before Christmas Day, she knew there were some things she had to leave for the fathers to do with their children.
Things that didn’t include her.
Packing for her time away, Em tried her best not to succumb to the easy tears that seemed to exist just under the surface of the calm she was continually trying to portray.
Not for the first time, this week, she lamented the position she found herself in with these men and their children whom she loved like they were her own.
If nothing else, this whole debacle had shown her just how invested she was in her makeshift family.
But they were not hers.
Emalee was just an employee.
And that meant her situation could change in the blink of an eye. Nothing highlighted that more than having her connection with them severed.
Em had briefly entertained the idea of attempting to distance herself from them all. But how would she ever do that? She didn’t have it in her to walk away of her own free will. She’d considered it; thought about the heartache it would cause not only her, but the children, and their fathers while they tried to find a replacement.
And she had come to the inevitable conclusion that since it was going to hurt either way - more than hurt, it would break her heart - she may as well make the most of each and every day she still had. Because by the time Xander, Ky and Coll made that decision, their circumstances would have changed, and at least Em would have the comfort of knowing that the children were taken care of. At the end of the day, she would be able to handle her own heartbreak as long as Kira, Axel, Alex, and Nicky were okay, far better than if she was the one who caused them even a moment of upset.
Because she loved them enough to put their well-being first. Even before her own.
Of course, that was cold comfort as she trudged around tossing clothing into her suitcase.
Emalee didn’t give much thought to her packing. It wasn’t necessary since she had no plans. She’d booked the closest hotel with vacancies, and it was only a few miles from the house. It had a gym and a spa, so she threw in workout gear and a swimsuit. She didn’t bother with formal clothes. Em could think of nothing worse than eating alone in a dining room full of couples and families celebrating Christmas, so she’d just opt for room service or maybe get takeout, so she didn’t exhaust all the menu options.
Finally, she added her laptop and kindle to the case, and looked around the room.
There was nothing else to fritter away her time on. No more excuses to linger.
She’d dug out the children’s traditional stockings and given them to each father, adding a couple of trinkets of her own for the man in red to deliver.
She’d wrapped gifts for everyone and nestled them lovingly under the tree.
She’d left a list of suitable events with times and dates for the men to choose from either individually or as a group, along with all the pertinent information.
And she’d labeled up various tins and Tupperware with the contents and dates for all the treats she and the children had made.
She’d even made a last-ditch attempt to avoid going altogether. Three, in fact.
She’d approached Coll first. With Nicky being the youngest he was the most sensitive to change, and recently Em had been having to stop him from calling her ‘mama’, even though she ached with every fiber of her being to allow it.
“Hey Coll...” Em started awkwardly when she finally caught him alone. “Umm... I’m a bit worried about how clingy Nicky’s been lately. I would hate for it to spoil Christmas for everyone, so if you want me to stay, I’d be more than happy to do so,” she blurted, hopefully.
“Nay lass,” Coll boomed. “I wouldn’a dream of keeping ye away from yer holidays. Me and the wee laddie will manage.”
He got up and pulled her into the kind of bear hug that made Emalee want to burrow into him and never come out. His brawny arms closed around her making Em feel safe, and cared for, and weak at the knees.
She took a moment - just a fraction of a second - to allow her head to rest on Coll’s wide, comforting chest, and as she closed her eyes, she allowed peace to settle through her.
