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“Sid, what are we doing?” I asked.
He sighed and sat back. “I’m trying to get you to open up to me. I miss you.”
I relaxed a little. “I miss you too.”
He sat up straight. “You do?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still angry about how you treated me.”
“I know.”
Silence settled around us. I sipped my wine and looked out over the dining area. After a few minutes, the waitress arrived to take our order. Once she left, I excused myself to use the bathroom.
Rebecca came in a few seconds later. “How’s it going out there? It looks painful.”
“It is. It’s like we’re reliving our first date all over again, but this time is worse because I know we were good together once.”
“You can be again. You just have to give it a chance.”
I tilted my head at her. “Give it a chance? We can’t even think of a single thing to talk about. All we’ve covered is that he misses me, I miss him, and he hurt me. There’s nothing more to talk about. He keeps bringing me meals and taking me to and from work, but it’s like we’re stalled. We’re not moving forward, but we can’t let go. I hate this!”
Rebecca put her hand on my shoulder. “Kat, I say this with love, but that’s because ofyou.”
I shrugged her hand off and spun on her. “What?”
“You’re afraid to move forward because of what happened last time, but you’re also afraid to lose him altogether. If the relationship stays in this middle ground, it’s comfortable and safe. You don’t have to worry about getting hurt, but you don’t have to let him go.”
Shit. She was right. That was exactly what I’d been doing. I was so worried that Sid would hurt me if I let him in again. But in a way, he’d been like a wounded animal, lashing out in self-defense. He’d deliberately set out to drive me away because he was struggling with feelings from the past. And he’d done a lot of work to pull himself out of that dark place.
Sid wasn’t a malicious person. He didn’t say those things to hurt me; he’d just panicked. He’d felt trapped, mostly by his past. I was just collateral damage.
Could I forgive him and move forward without letting that hold us back? To do that, I needed to let go of what happened, and I’d never been good at that. Whenever someone hurt me, I cut ties and walked away. I’d light a match and throw it behind me as I walked away. Forgiveness wasn’t in my nature. Running was, and that was the other feeling I’d been fighting since this all happened.
I ran to New York, but when I returned home, the feelings all came flooding back. The desire to flee had been strong ever since, and I’d thought of leaving more than once. Packing everything up and starting fresh somewhere where no one knew me or my past. A place where I would be free to be Kat from New York. Or Kat from Oak Springs. But definitely not Kat the spoiled princess.
But really, I wasn’t that girl here. No one cared who my parents were or if I had money. No one asked me to give them a handout or dated me to get ahead. I fit here. More than I’d ever fit anywhere else.
Not only did I fit in Oak Springs, but I fit with Sid. In his house and in his life. We fit together like two puzzle pieces. He liked me for me and not for what I had to offer. He enjoyed my company and my personality. He called me sunshine and told me I brought joy to his life. I’d never been called that before, and I’d certainly never had someone tell me I made them happy.
Most of the people in my life had called me names and told me how much I screwed up and how much I pissed them off. No one wanted the real me. They wanted me to play a part. But Sid didn’t want me to pretend, and I loved that about him.
I also loved his big heart and his smile. When he relaxed and enjoyed life, he was so handsome. He’d always treated me with respect and love. Until he didn’t, and it was that one time that I couldn’t get over. I’d forgotten about all the other times he’d stood up for me. The times that he’d complimented me and praised me in front of people.
That was what I needed to hold on to. Not the one time he’d messed up. Even though it was a big mistake, he deserved a second chance. I wanted to be happy, and I could only be happy if I forgave him.
“You’re right,” I said.
Rebecca smiled. “I know.”
I stuck out my tongue, and she laughed.
“You guys are good together.”
“Really good,” I said with a smile.
“Sid is willing to let go of his past. Isn’t it fair that you do the same?”
“Yes.”
